i miss you

The past 3 weeks have been the best and worst part of my life. After being single for a long time, I finally met someone who was there to truly love me. The past 3 weeks, I learned a lot about relationships, the ups and downs of loving and being loved. Although we’ve been together only for a short time, I can sincerely say that I love him so much. I always wanted to see him, hear him and feel him. I just couldn’t get enough of him. Aside from this, I felt something that I never felt before; I was willing to do almost anything just to make him happy. No, I’m not obsessed. I know the difference. It was pure love. Now, I won’t be able to see him or talk to him due to some reasons I do not want to disclose here. The point is I can’t do anything about it. All I have to do is wait…

I wrote a letter below, hoping that he would read it someday... when he gets back.

I want to tell you these things… I want you to know what I feel and remind you of what I always tell you. I felt something the first time I saw you, something that no words can explain. I thought it would just fade away, but it didn’t. When we ate breakfast that morning, you just don’t know how happy I am to spend time with you; I was wearing a mask, hiding my smile for you not to notice how much I like you. And those times that we spent together during the storm, was one of the best days of my life. Loving you was one of the best things that happened to me. I learned things that I’ve been wanting to know for the longest time, and that’s because of you. I found a part of myself through you. Lastly, I always tell you this, and I just want to say it again, I love you, I really do. And wherever this road takes us, I just want you to know that I will wait for you. My love will always be here for you… I miss you.

Thoughts of a slightly shopaholic person

I shouldn’t be posting this because it’s kinda embarrassing, but who knows, maybe someone out there could relate…

Today’s a normal day for me. It’s just the 4^th working day after payday and I almost spent all of my money. This is what usually happens to me, however last payday, I was expecting that I would have enough money to last 2 weeks because I wouldn’t be paying a lot of bills. I don’t know what happened but money just flies away so fast that I don’t even remember all the things that I’ve been buying. Yes, I have a problem.

I’m about to start reading this book, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan. I finished the first one (Confessions of a Shopaholic) last week, and I’m also looking forward to reading the third book (Shopaholic ties the Knot). It’s about this girl who can’t stop buying things that she doesn’t really need. She’s always justifying the purpose of her purchases. I can’t help but relate to what she’s going through… and it’s kinda scary. But don’t get me wrong, I can still pay my debts and I’m not broke, it’s just that I can’t seem to save money. I know there are a lot of people in this world who are having the same dilemma, but I have to get out of that circle. The problem is, there are just some things that appear out of nowhere which makes me spend more than what I usually do. I pay a lot of bills: phone, electricity, water, etc. But if I analyze things, my salary would be more than enough. Like what I’ve said, there are just some things that you just couldn’t help but buy. Like for example, I went to the Robinson’s Galleria sale last weekend. I bought 5 shirts in Calvin Klein worth 300 each. I know that these are just wants and not needs, but without the sale, they’re worth around Php1000.00 to Php1500.00 each! Who wouldn’t take advantage of that? And another thing, I treated 2 of my close friends to a movie. That’s ok, right? (I believe in good karma) Last Friday, one of my agent came up to me with a bag of clothes (these are brand new clothes that are sold to famous and expensive boutiques in the metro. She sells it to me half the price coz they’re the ones manufacturing the items), everybody in the office is always excited when she comes in with a bag filled with clothes. I bought a long sleeved polo and a pair of pin striped slacks worth 700 each (sold Php1500 for the polo and Php2000 for the slacks when you buy it in the market), and the fit is perfect so it’s definitely a good buy. Sometimes, I also buy small things that don’t cost that much, but when you combine everything at the end of the day, you’ll just be shocked with how much money you’ve already spent. I admit it; I’m just not good with saving money. On the other hand, I probably know what to do; I’m just too stubborn to do it. The good thing is I still have enough money left in the bank.

But then, all things come to an end, and I’m not really addicted to shopping (just slightly addicted), so starting next payday, I’m REALLY gonna start saving.

Acceptance Speech

I talked to a friend (Corrinne, the girl beside me in the pic) last night about one of my previous posts. It was about admitting that I’m still not over this guy I used to date. She was asking me to write about how I was able to deal with it for the past month. Honestly, I do not have the exact answer. Maybe because I was focused more on other things and not dwelling on it. Yes, sometimes he still comes into my mind, but maybe, just maybe, I learned how to accept the fact that he’s not coming back. Maybe I just learned to divert my attention on more important things. Like what I read on one of my friend’s blogs… the trick is to keep breathing. Life is not always like the fairytales where someone in distress would be saved by a knight in shining armor, or like a prince would slay a dragon just to help his princess. Life is definitely meaner. It would’ve been better if it was just as simple as that. People deal with a lot of things aside from finding the right person for you. There are bills to pay, deadlines to meet, and sometimes, you’d be too busy trying to squeeze in a break in your hectic schedule.

On the other hand, if I’m gonna focus on the negative side, I would be asking the things most people ask, but will never really be contented with the answer because you alone knows how it feels to be in that situation. People might come up with books on how to move on and deal with heartaches, your friends might give you the best advice but then, if you come to think of it, they don’t really know how you are feeling, do they? You’re the one who was there, you’re the one who was happy with him at one point, and you are the one who went through it all. Maybe some of them went through similar ordeals but each person has different views on things, people have different reactions to every situation. They’re just there to help, but you’re the one who’s going to deal with it. (I hope I’m making sense here…hehe)

Anyway, if you ask me, yes, I still think about the happy moments when we’re together, I still think of him and is wondering how he’s doing now. I still wish that time would turn back so that I could at least do something to change what happened to us. I still imagine how it would have been if things worked. I still hope that one day, he’d realize that he wants me and he’d come back. And yes, I still want him, but do I need him? Right now, I’m ok with the idea that we’re friends, and that we didn’t end on a bad note, but yes I still wish that we had something more than that.

Sometimes, life is just like that. You just have to tell yourself that you’re ok now, you’ve accepted what happened and actually feel that way, but when you think of it, you wish you had it your way. Like what you’ve said Corrine, it feels like the story’s not yet finished because there’s still a chance that things might change. But then what if it doesn’t? Like in some blockbuster movies, people might be lead to think that there’s a sequel, but what if the story just ends that way. Some might wait, but eventually forget about it. And when they talk about that movie with friends or just simply remember it, they would hope that there’s a part 2, unfortunately, it’s been years and there isn’t.

It's all about work

my messy desk

Just got back home from work and this is unusual because it’s still early. Usually I go home at 9 – 10am but right now, it’s only 7:30 and I’m ready to sleep. Probably because everyone else at work went home early or maybe because I just didn’t feel the need to stay at work (although I was actually hoping that I would find someone to hangout with a while ago), I was done with the daily reports even before the shift was finished simply because majority of my agents were not dialing. After the shift, I just asked my team to go to the briefing room for a meeting. I think it’s time for us to get serious. After handling the top team for several months, the agents in the whole campaign were reshuffled, as a result, I have new agents; agents who came from different teams. At first, I didn’t really like what happened because I love my former team. We’ve been together since my first day in the campaign, and that was last year. But things happen, and all you can do is to deal with the changes, whether you like it or not. So there, after the reshuffling of agents, my team became the worst team (sales and quality wise), not counting the other issues that I have with them, like sleeping on the floor, tardiness, absenteeism, etc. So during the meeting, I formally introduced them to a new set of policies that I will be implementing in my team, and the response was pretty good. Hopefully, we’ll slowly fix the problems and become the top team. For the mean time, I’m gonna be optimistic. I know that I can do this. I’ve done this before, there’s no problem doing it again.

How My Day was Spent

I met this guy before, and we used to date. Unfortunately, what we had just slowly faded after a couple of days. I dunno what exactly happened but we just stopped talking and sending messages to each other. The good thing is, after a couple of months, he sent me a message with his new number asking me if we could meet. This happened weeks ago when I was so stressed to go out and meet other people (aside from my best friends). I declined the offer the first time, but last Saturday, I finally decided to meet him after work.

We met at Starbucks. I was with my officemates, when he got there, I introduced him to them and then we went straight to McDonalds to eat breakfast. We were able to catch up on a lot of things. It’s always fun to talk to him. He has this way of making the topic interesting even if it’s something not even old people would talk about. There were no boring moments with him… he’s really fun to be with. I remember how he reacts every time I tell him to stop acting like a kid… he’d look at me wearing this what-the-fuck-did-you-just-say? look. I would just smile at him and tell him I’m kidding. He hates being called a kid. And I know that he isn’t. Sometimes he evens acts more mature than me.

Another thing that I like about him is his confidence. When I introduced him to my friends, he didn’t show a single hint of introversion. When he got to our table, he immediately asked the group what we were doing, which is something I cannot do. Usually, when introduced to a group of people, I just sit and keep quiet until I get comfortable to talk. Similar thing happened when I introduced him to my mom (FYI: this was not intentional). What happened was we were hanging out near my place when he asked if he could use the washroom. I didn’t know that my mom was up then, so after insisting that we have breakfast at our place first, the next thing I remember was, they were talking to each other for hours.

After spending a couple of hours with him, I went straight home. It was 12nn when I got to bed. I promised myself that I’ll be going out at night. After 8 hours of sleep (finally…) Meg, Jason and Mitcheiko (colleagues) called asking what my plan was that night. I told him I’m not sure yet. Then after a couple of minutes of trying to come up with a decision, we agreed to just go to Jason’s place and drink there (since Corrinne, an x-colleague, together with her husband, Paolo and friend, JR are goin to buy drinks and food for us). We got there at around 12mn. After a couple of drinks, I remembered that this guy (the guy I met that morning) is in a party near the place, so we decided to pick him up after his party. When we got back, he started to drink shots (he already looked wasted when we picked him up), and started this conversation with one of my agents about politics and the economy. Everybody was tipsy; some were hammered already when people started to join the conversation. He was definitely making a point, and everybody was listening to him. Some even asked him questions. I was amazed by how good he is. Even my friends were impressed by the way talks and the things he believed in.

After hours of arguing about the being optimistic, people’s beliefs, changing the government, etc., we decided to go to bed. The original plan was he and I would be sleeping in the guest room, but we just decided to stay in one room. I was thinking of what we used to have before, how this young guy caught my attention, how he told me what he likes and doesn’t like, telling me his opinions about stuff. I was staring at the ceiling, thinking how it was for us before when he suddenly wrapped his arm around me. He asked me that night if I missed him, I said “yeah”, and then asked him the same question, he just smiled, then after a couple of seconds, he said “of course”.

Renovation

I was finally able to push myself to work on my blog. After a couple of hours of Photoshop-ing, surfing and editing, I was able to achieve my idea of a “simple yet fun” site. Although, I’m not that satisfied yet because the pictures don’t seem to be that clear, I’m still happy because I was finally able to accomplish what I wanted to do weeks ago. Thanks to some cool sites (where I got ideas and pictures), I finished my masterpiece! (I even have my signature on the header… heheh!) I attached some of the pictures I used for the header here, just to let you know where it came from. (Thank you James for the pics.)

Now I have a huge favor… If it’s not too much, can you give out feedback, suggestions, or whatever you wanna say about the way this site looks like (or even the things that I write… hehe)? Hopefully, you could tell me if the old one’s better. I really appreciate it. Just click on the comment link below… Thanks.

Saturday Night

After several weeks of not going to bars and dancing like crazy, last night, I was able to go back to how I was years ago. I danced like there was no tomorrow.

After work, I went straight to the mall and watched “Sukob”. It was one of the few movies that will give you the shock of your life. Everyone screamed on the top of their lungs. Just imagine, there were five of us occupying four seats. We lifted the armrests so we can sit close together. It felt like we sat on a couch. After the movie, all we can talk about was how our knees are still weak. The movie was definitely worth watching.

After the movie, I went straight to bed. It was around 3pm when I last checked and set my alarm hoping that I would wake up at 8pm to meet my friends in Greenbelt to have dinner. Luckily, I woke up at 8pm, unfortunately, my body did not stand up, all I can remember was when I checked my phone it was already 11:40pm. The first word that came out of my mouth was “SHIT!” The second time I looked at my phone, I saw 3 missed calls and 9 messages. I immediately called my friend and asked where they are. Fortunately, they were still in Greenbelt having coffee, and decided that they will go to Government afterwards. I told him to wait for me, and then rushed downstairs, took a bath, wore a white shirt and jeans and put on my dancing shoes. I was so in a hurry that I didn’t even check if I still have money in my wallet.

When I got to the coffee shop, I immediately ordered café mocha, to wake my body up. After a couple of minutes of chatting with them, we decided to go to the club. Everybody decided to go. I do not exactly know what’s with me that night, but I was so excited.

When we got to the club, I signed my name on the VIP list, and then I walked towards the entrance where here was only a black cloth covering what was going on inside, only the beat of the music could be heard.

I almost forgot how it was inside the club. It felt like people are on “E” or something. Everyone was dancing… some guys even took their shirts off, exposing their sweaty chiseled body. After a couple of minutes of letting things sink in, I went to the bar and got myself a glass of Cape Cod and went upstairs to greet my friends who are regulars of the club. After that, I found myself talking to joel bout creating a post on describing what we see, feel and hear right at that very moment. We were trying to look for the right words to use like surrendering to the music, or feeling the music flow through our veins, something like that. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t find the right words to use now, so I’m just gonna say that it was a F*CKIN great night. It feels good to dance your heart out without caring bout what the people around you would think. That’s what I did. I surrendered to the music, and hell yeah… it was fun. After hours of dancing and taking over the dancefloor, it was time to go (there were still a lot of people inside, it’s just that czar needed to go home), we went to the exit and daylight flashed before our eyes… it was 6:30am. I didn’t even notice. It was a night to remember. Too bad I didn’t get to meet anyone.

Just an Update

There are a lot of things that happened to me the past month, I don’t even know where to start, but I told myself that I have to write again, so here it is.

- I have quit smoking for almost 2 months but I started smoking again because of the stress at work. I’m going to quit… again. If I was able to do it before I can easily do it the second time.

- Work has been more stressful than ever. It came to a point that I wanted to quit right at that very moment. It was also the reason why I reached the most stressful and depressing moment in my life. It’s crazy.

- My mom is starting to act really weird. She starting to be really nice when I’m around, which kinda scares me. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just not used to it. She’s telling me that she just misses me since we don’t have time to talk anymore because of my work.

- I already have internet at my station at work. How I got it is a long story. I’m just happy that I have one. It’s actually one of the reasons why I still go to work.

- I’ve been so into changing the template of my blog. I’m very proud to say that even if I didn’t study a single thing about HTML, I did the template by myself. It’s easy for others maybe, but for me, its days of trial and error.

- I’m still not satisfied with the way my blog looks which made me stop writing for quite sometime thinking that I should made the site look better first. I want a simple one; I just don’t know where to start though.

- I’ve been doing the header/title of my friends’ blog. I’ve done several for my best friend Joel and I’m doing Chai’s now (check out the links on the right side). I just love doing headers. It brings out my creative side. I’ve actually downloaded a lot of Photoshop brushes, and I find them really cool.

- I just found out that other people, aside from my friends, read my blog. It made me feel shy because I’m not that good in writing, but I’m happy that there are people, who I do not really know, finds my posts interesting. I honestly did not expect it. (Thanks for reading guys...)

- I’ve been doing zips for a couple of weeks now, and I am proud to say that I could do fire already, I just don’t want to coz I wanted my fist burn (that’s how they call it) to be perfect. So I’ll need more practice.

- I’ve had a major bonding with my team at work. I just love the guys.

That’s it for now. I have to prepare for work. It’s been raining hard and I don’t want to be late.

The Past, the Present and the Future

I woke up too early today. I slept for only 3 hours, and considering the fact that I’m still taking medication for my vertigo (which doesn’t want to leave me) and my allergic rhinitis, my sleep was just like a power nap.

It was raining hard. The thunders made me open my eyes and check my laptop if it’s still connected to the phone line. Someone told me that if there’s lightning and thunder, you should unplug your computer from the phone socket just in case lighting strikes the line, your computer won’t get destroyed or something. I find it weird but, what the heck! I wouldn’t lose anything anyway if I do it. So I did what I was told. After that, I looked around the room and felt OC. I started cleaning and arranging my stuff. I found some stuff that came from my condo unit (I used to live alone in a condo near where I live now.) I found bills, cards, receipts, and all those paper. I started organizing all the important documents that I have. Browsing through them made me find out how much I’ve changed in the span of 1 year and a half. I used to run away from paying bills before, which is the reason why I still have a balance with my credit card, phone and gym. I also found letters from friends, notebooks which included the prices of the jewelry that I was making, how much I charge my client, pay slips from my previous work, pictures, etc. I was different before. I didn’t have plans; I always get into the same trouble, same sentiments, and same problems over and over again. My life’s a mess. The whole time I felt like I was bringing out skeletons in my closet. Maybe because we just came from a tragedy that time (our house was razed by fire, and everything that we have was lost. The only thing that we had left were the clothes that we’re wearing that time), but enough with that. We were all able to move on now. And I always believed that everything happens for a reason. No regrets. (I just miss my clothes and shoes!) Anyway, going back, yes, I had a tough past. (I haven’t written everything yet. It would be a very, very long story if I did. You can just ask my friends.) Even if it took me a hundred of falls before I learned, everything was worth it. I know that every trial made me stronger, those things made me who I am right now.

After finishing the chores, I told myself…

“You’ve come a long way. Don’t let things go back to the way it used to be.”

Currently, I have a stable job, not financially ok but coping (I can still pay my bills, thank God!), I can still buy most of the small things that I want, and also have my family and friends who support me, I should be ok. Although I’m working on my health now (I’m kinda sick now and I’m regularly going to the doctor for checkups), everything will fall into place… soon. All I have to remember is that today, I had a glance of what my past was… I don’t want to go back. I want a better life.

Wanting

After a night in a club, one whole day of traveling with one of my best friends, Joel, I found myself sitting in a bar with him, his boyfriend, Third, and another close friend Ron. One and a half bottles of beer and I could already feel the alcohol flowing through my veins … making me feel tipsy. It’s been a long time since I had a drinking session with friends. I miss it. We are talking about people we’ve dated that time. We were exchanging ideas on relationships and how one’s friends affect his choice of person to date. It should not really matter, but in some instances, it does, especially if there’s a strong urge to impress the people around you. Who wouldn’t want a perfect guy?

After a couple of minutes, the focus was on me. We were talking about this guy that I dated before and why I always talk about him. We dated for a month. Unfortunately we had to part ways. No regrets though. We are still in good terms, even chat once in a while in yahoo. At that time, I was thinking of the feeling of almost having the perfect guy. You find excitement and happiness with that person, and when it’s already gone, you start search for the same feeling again. The problem is that you start to compare. You meet a new guy. You find out that he’s completely the opposite. You look for another, and after finding one, again, you find differences. It would have been fine if it didn’t matter. You make yourself believe that it doesn’t matter, but at the end of the day, you realize that it does. If I’d be talking to someone who’s in this situation, I’d tell him: “It’s easy. Accept the fact that no one’s gonna be exactly like him, try to find the good things with the new guy and embrace his flaws.” I used to tell myself this. I was ok for a while. Single, had a couple of dates, but still single. It didn’t bother me until last night. Last night I faced the fact that it’s still him that I want.

Break Stuff

I just woke up an hour ago, ate breakfast, had coffee, and talked to my mom for a while about this coffee she’s selling. It’s an herbal coffee. She wanted me to help her sell it, and I will. Anyway, I work in an office where almost everyone drinks coffee, so might as well take advantage of it.

Yesterday, I went to PUP for the enrollment and as usual, Jason and I was not able to finish the process since there were a lot of students trying to get their stuff done and there’s only one girl trying to accommodate everyone. So after a couple of trips to the photocopying machine, we left our stuff with the girl and asked her if we could just come back tomorrow. She said yes, with a huge smile on her face. I guess it made her feel better since it’s almost lunch time. After that, we went straight to SM Sta. Mesa to watch X-Men 3. I don’t usually go there because it’s not accessible from where I live and/or I haven’t heard of any good stuff to look at in that mall. Since it’s the nearest movie house from where we were at that time, we decided to watch the movie there. We arrived at around 11:30am, bought tickets for the 12:40pm showing and ate lunch while waiting for the movie to start. While eating my lunch, I just realized that I’ve been awake for almost 20 hours already. I was thinking, after the movie, how in the world will I get enough rest for me to have the energy to go to work at 7:30pm? While walking, I was already trying to figure out an excuse of not going to work, or at least work half day. After a couple of minutes, I told myself I’m gonna deal with it later.

We’re done with lunch and also done smoking a cig at the Bingo area, so we walked our way to the movie house. It was enormous! Biggest I’ve seen so far. I think it can accommodate a thousand people. We bought the premiere seats thinking that we would get a better view, but when we got in, we sat on the front row thinking that it wouldn’t be that far but realized that it was still too distant. It felt like we were just watching the movie in front of huge television. So we went downstairs, and took the deluxe seats.

The movie was so nice! I love it! It made want to be a mutant; it would’ve been cool… The way you’ll use your powers and how people would admire you for the way you look… If I was a mutant, I’d definitely want to look weird. That’s why I love Halloween. It’s the only time you could wear anything you want and not look silly. It brings out the child in me. Anyway, enough with daydreaming, going back, I like the way the movie was made. The special effects were just awesome. The fight scenes were great and Iceman was so cute. :)

After the movie, we drove home talking about what the next marvel movie would be. We were saying something about how they should combine all the Marvel characters into one super-movie. Something like “MARVEL: The Movie”. I’d love to see the characters that I used to like when I was young; Banshee, Gambit, Silver Surfer, etc. with a superior director, good budget and fine actors and actresses, I bet it’s gonna be excellent.

Anyway, when I got home, I felt so tired. I’ve been up for almost 23 hours already, and I realized that if I go to work, I won’t be productive and I’ll just be abusing my body. On the other hand, if I don’t, what’s gonna happen to my campaign? So I decided to go to work at around 12mn, lunch time. I sent my boss a message that I was not feeling well, and that I’ll just try to go to work in the middle of the shift. I woke up at 11pm, just looked at my phone and saw that there were 4 missed calls and 5 new messages. One massage came from my boss, which kinda struck me:

“Gerds… I know you, you’re just feeling burnt out I’m sure… Do you know how important you are to the whole campaign… specially now? Gerds, this not the right time for your whatever, please?! Just think of what’s gonna happen to the whole campaign if you’re not there. I’ll see you later. Stay positive, no matter what happens. Take Care… Luvyah! –shuts”

I love my boss, not in a romantic way, but as a friend and as a good boss. She understands me. Unfortunately, I just feel like I’ve been working too hard. I need a break. When I come back, I’ll do better. I never failed her anyways. I don’t wanna sound boastful, but all the campaigns that are not earning were given to me. I picked them up from the dirt. When I work, I really work. I take things seriously. There’s a time for fun. When there’s improvement, we can have some fun, but I have to remind my people that we’re not yet there, so hold your horses; But when we reach the top, that’s the time to have fun. I work hard, but I party harder.

But then, there are some things at work that I find unfair. Instead of getting recognition for the good thing that you’ve done, you are asked to push for more. I mean, give me a break! It’s like I performed magic to revive a dying campaign and you want me to make it fly, now that it’s flying, you want me to make everything perfect, no time to relax. No time to enjoy your accomplishments. You’re given 7 monitoring sessions to finish everyday (the QAs only accomplish 4 everyday. That’s the average. And they don’t have to worry about any stats or agents, only the quality side, and the supervisors are required to accomplish at least 7 in a day, at the same time manage you 16 agents in one team and also the 20 agents in 1 campaign.), and you should continue to perk your people, update the stats, coach your people on a consistent manner, no cell phones on the floor, no eating, no slouching, sit up straight, NO ONE’S ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN ON THE FLOOR!!! Aaarrgh!!! Did you see any recognition there? NONE! And yes I am complaining. Why not quit? Don’t worry, I’m almost there.

So going back, I decided to bring out the devil in me and went back to sleep. I woke up after 14 hours of deep sleep. I guess it’s enough for now.

Something new

Last Saturday, I went to a team building with my agents in Century Imperial Hotel in Q.C. It’s something different from the other teams’ location for their trips. It’s usually a resort outside the city where they could drink and swim. I just thought that instead of traveling far, why not rent a cozy place in the city. We could also drink and swim there, and if we like, we could go out at night and check out the clubs near the area. It was pretty convenient, especially for me, since I live only a couple of blocks away from the building. If the team needs something for the house, I could just go home and get it. We had a great time.

I just realized that it has been quite a long time since I wrote here. A lot of stuff happened already. First thing that I’ll be talking about would be my fetish for Aussies. I’ve been chatting with a lot of cute Australians, and hoping that I could visit their country soon. I heard a lot about gay Aussies who like Asians, especially Filipinos, and it kinda made me wish that someday, I’d meet one. I like their accent and their features.

Two Sundays ago, I was chatting with this gorgeous Aussie. He had a handsome face and a perfect body. I was actually drooling over his pics. He told me that he’s a model there and sometimes visits the Philippines. He told me the places that he already visited here, which kinda convinced me that he’s not a fake. We had several sessions of chatting after that. I just hope that we could meet one of these days.

Last Sunday, I met up with my best friends. We were able to chat and catch up on things. I miss those times when we would usually meet up every weekend, have coffee, and go to a club at night and party. It was more of a routine that we had before. It felt like a sin if I won’t go out with them on weekends, but now, I can say that we’ve changed. We are more mature now. We don’t need to meet up every weekend, or talk on the phone everyday to assure ourselves that we have a strong bond. I know that our friendship will stand the test of time. We’ve been friends for 15 years now. It’s feels nice to know that the communication is still there, and nothing changes.

And now, I’m in a university in Manila, waiting for the enrollment to start. I took the exam for Bachelor of Science, Major in Broadcast Communication in the Open University, and I passed it. I just thought that I might need a degree. I am excited since I’ll be attending classes again and have classmates. My only wish is that my body would not fail me. Right now I’m so stressed at work already with all the pressure from my boss and all the monitoring forms that I have to accomplish everyday, even if it is not that effective. I have a lot of complaints at work, I try to voice it out, but I just feel like they don’t listen to my solution.

The rainy season's back

It has been a week of stress at work. After a week of relaxation, I should have known that I’ll be subject to pressure and challenges again. I gathered all the strength inside me and did my best to perform well at work. My plan was running smoothly when two guys at work made a perfect storm and ruined my week. The story’s too complicated for me to write it here but the point is what happened brought out the devil in me. Words have been said and it made a huge impact, I tried to resolve it, but it didn’t work. I have a silent relationship with one, and the other, I treat as an acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. The girl used to be my closest friend at work, but now, it’s as if she turned into one of the computers. I approach it when I have to, but I can leave it alone and just use the other stations at work. It thinks that I’m ok now, but after hearing what it has to say, I realized that its mind can store a lot of information but cannot really think the way humans do. It’s selfish. It won’t think of the emotion of humans, it would only consider what it thinks is right. I don’t have to explain things to it because it would not understand, what it thinks will always be the only thing that’s right. Humans have proven the flaws of the computer, but for the computer, it only does the things programmed to do, the only things that are right. It’s intelligent, but it’s still only a machine. It’s just a SIMPLE, BORING MACHINE.

The other one’s just stupid. I don’t have to say anything. Just plain STUPID.

The Island

I’m back to my normal routine. I’m in the office right now. Just finished my 1^st day at work after the long vacation. It’s been a long day. None of my agents are dialing, so we all stayed at the auditorium doing nothing… well, I conducted training for the upcoming campaign, but it only took around 1 and half hour, so the rest of the day was used for doing nothing. Somehow, I still have the hangover of my Boracay vacation. I remember the sand, the water, the sun, everything. All of that stuff sunk in me so bad that I wanted to go back and stay there for months, or even years. But then, I would have to save lots of money first before I could do that. The experience was never really enough, but I would settle for that for now. All I have to do is look at the pictures, listen to the music and remember.

We had a scary flight on our way to the island. The door was not properly shut so it made this deafening noise that scared the hell out of all the passengers. The good thing was nothing bad happened.

The first step on the soft white sand was unforgettable. It almost felt like the first time. I was welcomed by the island with open arms. I felt the wind blow softly on my skin, the waves sung in chorus and the sun was shining on me as if saying that it missed me. It was an unexplainable feeling. We walked towards the place where we are about to stay, and after sometime, realized that it was too far, my shirt was soaked wet with perspiration, so I took my shirt off. You could never do that in the city, especially with the ordinance that men cannot walk on the street without at least a shirt, you learn to endure the heat and the feeling that you want to take a shower right then and there. But in Boracay, It’s different. People are walking wearing only a pair of Speedos, bikinis or board shorts, which makes those people with good body an attraction.

We took a trike to D’Mall, where we met up with my best friend’s boyfriend. After that, we went straight to our place and relaxed for a while. After that moment, I knew that I could enjoy my stay in the island again. I changed clothes, put tanning lotion, went to the beach and praised the sun. It was perfect. The water was not that cold not hot. I remember writing about this; it was my comfort zone.

There were lots of people that time. It kinda made irritated and excited at the same time; irritated of the people who are too noisy that you can’t sleep while enjoying your sun bathing, excited because there are too many gorgeous people walking in front of you. It was scenic. Makes you think that you are really in a paradise.

Aside from all those stuff, the food was also luscious. We spent most of our budget eating in good restaurants. I remember us thinking of where we are going to eat dinner while we’re eating lunch. All the Pork Belly and Hawaiian Rice in Hawaiian Barbecue, the Pa-a and Bangus in Chicken Inasal, the Pasta and the Pork Chop in Fridays, the eat all you can in Mongolian Grill, the breakfast in True home, the Binagoongan and Paksiw in McSandro’s, everything was perfect. I think I gained weight after the vacation. My colleagues actually noticed.

At night, the beach was filled with the beat from the bars. After a couple of Rhum-Cokes, I tend to let go and just dance like there’s no tomorrow, or I enjoy the sound of the waves while walking along the shore on our way home. We never really met any cute guys, which sucks, but at least we had a great time enjoying everything else.

The whole stay was not enough, I guess the reason why most people decide to live there is because there’s never enough time there, but I have to stop. I wanted to write every detail of my days in the island, but I just decided to keep some to myself. A friend even told me that the Beach will always be there waiting for me, but for now I have to go back to this Urban Jungle. The next time I read this entry, I know that I would still remember. The stolen moments in my pictures and the music will always be there to help me remember.

Unwinding

Exactly 3pm when I started writing this. I’m lying down on a hammock beside my friend. And guess where we are… by the beach in Agno, Pangasinan. We’re not actually on the shore, but under a shed on a cliff. I’m facing Vietnam now. I can see the vast body of water, the waves created by the wind, and at the same time, feeling it blow through my skin while listening to music. It’s a perfect retreat. Everything is calm. There are no noisy kids, no other people except for us. It’s actually a private beach. And I’m not talking of a couple of meters long, but probably 30 kilometers of white, sun kissed sand. There’s a house in the middle, in front is a cliff where the shed (we call it tower because it has two levels) is built. Anyway, I told myself that this is my time to relax and forget about all the stress that I have been having for the past weeks. I deserve this.

We went swimming a while ago. I took pictures of the scenery. It was breathtaking. On the shore, it wasn’t actually pure sand. There were small pools of water formed by volcanic rocks. They were like Jacuzzis because the water was warm. Under the water were plants and a lot of black starfishes which were hiding inside the small holes. In the afternoon, we stayed on the formation were the waves meet the edge of the rocks. There was even this hole that shoots water when the big waves reach the edge. It was an exhilarating feeling. I was feeling a little nervous though because one big wave might pull me to the deep water ahead of us, and it’s kinda slippery because of the algae under my slippers. If that happens, I won’t really die of drowning because I know to swim, and I love swimming, but then, the strong waves could slam me to the sides of the rocks.

We continued walking further to the area where there’s place to really swim and not worry about any rock formation under us. The sun was scorching our backs, but it didn’t matter. When we reach the sandy area, we dropped our things on the sand and went to the water and started dipping our whole body under the warm water. The sand was not that fine compared to the ones in Boracay, but the color was nice. My friends started picking up shells for their aquariums at home while I just let my body float.

Eyes closed, moving my arms and legs slowly, I started to feel like nothing else matter. I forgot about all the stuff I have to do at work, my problems at home and my frustrations in life. Everything was so perfect at that moment. It took me a couple of minutes before I realize that the sun was burning my face already, so when I realized that I have to go back, I stood up, went to where my friends are lounging around, sat beside them and lit a cigarette. After one stick we started walking back to the cottage where we will be eating dinner.

It’s almost midnight. I stopped writing a while ago because we had to eat dinner. Yeah it took me a while to write a couple of paragraphs. I just couldn’t continue writing. The view was distracting me. Now I’m on the second floor of the tower. The full moon is shining above me. I could hear the loud splash of water below. The tide is high and the wind is blowing strong making the splash of water sound like thunder. I’m gonna rest for now tomorrow we’ll be goin back to the city. It’s a nice rest for me. I just wish I could stay longer.

The next day, we decided to go straight to Baguio instead, so we drove up to the cold city. The temperature was pretty low. We were wearing summer outfits when we went there, but then we realized we need jackets. It was so cold. We went shopping in ukayukays, then slept at my friends resthouse there. The next day, we went to Minesview park just to see the view. I didn't have enough money to buy stuff so I just took pictures.

Back to reality for now. I'm goin back to work.

Pictures were taken by me during the trip.

Weekend at Last

This is a late entry. My original plan was to write before the weekend starts. I just felt lazy that time, and I also went out with Jason and Malou after the shift. We were in Glorietta til 6pm. Well I was left with Joel because Malou went home early.

We watched Basic Instinct 2. I was so inspired by how Sharon Stone manipulated her victim. It was her power of seduction, play of words and stunning beauty that made it possible for her to pull her tricks and destroy several people’s lives. Call me evil, but admired her for that. Only a few people would be able to do that.

After that, we saw a ramp in the middle of Glorietta and found out that it was Fashion Week. There’ll be a fashion show at 6:00pm. It made me remember the days when I would spend several thousands of pesos just for me to look fashionable at work. There was a time in my previous work that I never wore the same outfit twice for 3 months. I had a lot of shoes, jeans, shirts, jackets, etc. Name it, I have it. Those were the days when I was always seen as the most fashionable employee. I miss those days. Thinking about it makes me want to buy clothes again. But then reality bites. I wasn’t able to get commission for March and I have to save money for my Boracay trip. It sucks when I think about it, but at least I’ll be spending 1 whole week in Boracay. I can’t wait.

Sunday. I spent the afternoon in Greenhills with some friends. Again, I saw stuff that I liked, but didn’t really buy because of some financial issues. But it was ok. Well, I kinda spent much on this game in Timezone which was introduced to me by this guy I dated before. It was a game where there’s a bar moving from left to right, and you have to press a button to stop it from moving. The objective of the game is to stack up the bars to reach the top. The bars move faster and become shorter as the pile goes up. If you reach the top, you win a mobile phone or MP3 player. You can actually choose from 4 major prizes. I just can’t remember the four. It was easy at first. I actually reached the last block several times, but then I never stopped it at the right spot. It was really addictive because my friend even gave me money so that he could watch me play again and again. Too bad we didn’t win.

After that, I met up with my best friends in Seattle’s Best. We were finally able to meet, after several weeks of busy schedules. We were just chillin there, talking about Boracay, high school, stuff that didn’t really mean anything. We were teasing each other, making fun of the people around us, looking at each others’ phones, talking about the people that we usually see in the places where we used to go. That’s was our normal routine when we meet. We’ve known each other since grade school, and that’s something I’m proud of. We still see each other and talk over the phone as often as possible. We’ve seen each other grow and turn into who we are right now. We made each other stronger. We been together through ups and downs and I know that this won’t change.

I’m back in my room now. It’s actually 2:13pm. I’ll be going to work early to print out some certificates and do some reports. The weekend’s over, and I’m back to my normal, busy, stressful life.

Move on

I wasn’t able to write yesterday because I was so tired. I was planning to write though. After the shift, I went to Gateway with a friend and paid my phone bill. After that, we ate at Pancake house, and went home. It was a weird shift for me, because for some unknown reason, I kinda felt better. No extreme dizziness. I was even back to my normal routine of perking people. But then I heard some news. I didn’t actually believe it at first, No one believes the news, but then after analyzing it, I found out that this could be true.

My boss is going to resign from work. According to her, she’s gonna submit her resignation letter later. No one actually took her seriously. Maybe because she’s the type of person who would pull tricks on people for fun. She even made us believe that Manny Pacquiao was going to the office one time. She’s fun to work with though. When she’s around, work feels lighter (if she’s not in a bad mood). She would walk around the floor and crack jokes at people. When you see her the first time, you wouldn’t think that she’s a shift manager, but then when you start to know her, you’ll see that her decisions, the way she handles the campaigns, the way she deals with people and her way of working is astonishing. And she’s known for that.

She’s also a close friend of mine as well. During my first few months at work, she was my co-supervisor. We used to hangout at work with some of the other supervisors. When she was promoted as a shift manager, she’s took me as one of the supervisors in her campaign. Some people think she’s a bitch. Maybe because she always talks about what’s in and what’s out in the society. She’d usually talk about clothes, music, clubs, cars, etc. But then she’s just like that. She has a good sense of fashion and people skills which make others envy her. I, on the other hand, admire her way of dealing with people. Her humor makes everybody want to listen to her. It’s something that’s hard to learn; probably something that you cannot learn. It’s either you’re born with it or without it. And she’s one of those who have it. All in all, she’s a wonderful person inside out. And no one at work would want to see her go.

This happened to me before. My boss who I really like leaves work. I cried so hard yesterday when I heard the news. I still don’t know if this will push through or not. Hopefully it was just a joke. Or if she’s getting burned out, I hope that the management just gives her time to rest.

By the way, I wasn’t able to get my commission for the month of February. Someone was not able to send an email about it to the report writer. Yeah, it happened again. I’m just pushing for a check, like before. Also, I won’t be able to get commission for March. They did not approve my proposal. It hurts.

I can’t do anything about it anyway. Might as well move on…

Stress

Woke up early again today for some unknown reason. Maybe it’s because it’s so hot, and yeah, we do not have an air conditioning unit right now. I guess summer’s really here.

I’ve been having a hard time getting enough rest the past few days. Every time I’m at work, I feel so tired that I want to just lie down and sleep and forget about everything that’s happening around me, but when I get home, I only sleep for a couple of hours. I guess my body clock’s fucked up already. A friend told me yesterday that what I’m feeling is caused by over fatigue. I’ve been working too hard and not getting enough rest anymore. I believed him. I’ve been working too hard and my body’s giving up already. And the worst thing is I feel like I’m not getting anything in return. I feel like just writing here everything that’s in my head right now; stuff that stress me out.

Yesterday, I just found out that the benchmark for the commission grid of my agents was increased. I don’t know why they did this. That benchmark was given to us because that’s the number that you have to hit in order for the company to earn money. My team worked hard for them to hit the benchmark, and now, when they realized that my people are doing well, they increase the benchmark for what!?! Lesser commission for the agents, more money for the company? That’s fucked up! In the first place, why do they give out benchmarks on the start of dialing if they’re going to change on the last day of the cut off? There giving false hope to people, and I know that they’re gonna get something in return. I believe in Karma.

Second. I was talking about the available leads that we have left for the campaign that I handle. I was telling my boss that we don’t have enough leads to last for the 8 days that we still have to end the campaign. I was trying to tell her that we need to do something about it before we get to the point where we don’t hit our goal, and people blame me for not doing my job properly. But then, I did not feel the sense of urgency in this matter. I think she is trying to tell me that we worry about it when it’s happening already. I’ve seen it happen before in other campaigns, and I thought I could do some thing to prevent it fro happening to me, but I was wrong. I just don’t have enough power to make decisions on my own. All I can say is that, I did my part. I’m prepared. I’m just waiting for the disaster to happen.

Third. One of the campaigns ended yesterday. All the supervisors had a meeting about the staffing. FYI: I have the most number of agents dialing in one campaign that is having problem with the leads. 2 agents were transferred to my campaign. Then, after a few minutes, I just realized that they still added 2 more agents, which gives me 4. I actually don’t have problems if these people are performing or not, I can do something about their skills, but when you add more people to a campaign that’s having trouble with the leads, that’s something else. Don’t think I didn’t complain about it, I did. Maybe they just didn’t listen.

Fourth. I was waiting for my boss to give me updates on my commission, if she talked to her boss about the stats. But then NOTHING HAPPENED. That was the only thing that I was waiting for but I was kept hanging.

Fifth. One of my co-supervisor kept bugging me about putting songs to his iPod. He did not stop bugging me. I was in the middle of a monitoring session; he interrupted me to ask me to do it for him. He was asking me to bring his iPod with me at home and add the songs there. I am honestly willing to do I for him, but then his timing and the way he asked me was fucked up. I have his Nano and Shuffle with me right now, and I’m still thinking if I’m gonna do it o not.

Six. One of my cousins sent me a message that she needed money. She didn’t even ask for money, it was more like a command o give her money. I guess I don’t need to elaborate.

I'm back

I just woke up from a short sleep. I set my alarm at 5pm but I woke up at 3pm. So I only slept for 4 hours today. I just felt like writing so I turned my computer on and started typing.It’s been a while since I wrote something about myself. I’ve been so busy at work that I don’t even have the energy to go somewhere else after work. I normally work for 11 – 14 hours everyday. So you could just imagine how stressed my body is right now. Why am doing it? Maybe because it keeps me away from thinking about my personal problems, or maybe because I trying to make the best out of my career. I’ve been doing the reports of my boss for a couple of weeks now, and sometimes I just end up asking myself why the fuck am I doing this? Then I start to realize that this is a good training ground, or I just want to experience the life of someone who is almost at the top of the corporate ladder. I’m giving my best here. I’m doing my best to reach the top. I’ve been in the top 3 supervisors in the campaign for 3 months now, and I guess, it’s paying off, somehow. I get to make decisions for myself, my boss, who’s a really nice gal, listens to me when I say something about the way our campaign goes, and I get to be recognized by the people at work, I get some special treatment when it comes to some small things (which kinda make things a little fun.J), and I get to earn more money because of overtime and commission. Talking about commission, yesterday, after finishing all the monthly reports for the campaign, my world suddenly fell apart. I was hoping, well actually, expecting that I will be getting commission for the month of March. Well, I do deserve it. I’m the top supervisor for the month, I’m doing more stuff than a normal supervisor, and I’ve been damn serious with my work! But then, with a sudden twist of fate, my team quality scores did not meet the requirement for the commission. So all my plans for the month shattered into thin glass as I was staring at my monitor. I usually take everything that comes my way, but this one? Damn! I felt like all my efforts were wasted. Let’s face it everybody works for the money. And I’m not talking about a couple of hundreds; it’s 116% of my basic salary! I wanted to shout at that moment, but I realized it wouldn’t make any difference. So I went downstairs and lit a cigarette while thinking of how much I lost. I thought of all the stuff that I could do to get the commission. There’s no other way than go to my boss and talk to her about it.So after my cig, I went to my boss’ station then talked to her about it. She told me that she’s gonna talk to her boss about it. Fair enough. But then, after a couple of minutes of sitting in front of her, maybe she felt how devastated I am about what happened. Then she stopped what she was doing, and faced my ay and told me that she’s gonna fight for it. It kinda brought back some hope, but majority of what I was feeling was depression. I didn’t know what else to do. I guess I just have to wait till she talks to her boss.It’s gonna happen later. My shift starts at 8pm, and it’s already 4:25pm. Since we do have a management meeting at 7:30PM, I’m going to freshen up early. My friend will pick me up in a while.It felt great writing again. I missed doing this. It’s like telling a person everything, and all that person does is listen to you and feel for you. I’m gonna do this more often. It’s nice to be back.