Solo

I'm not a huge fan of change. And right now I’m experiencing it. I'm not complaining though. Sometimes, you just have to have the courage to face the things that are coming your way. Last night, I went out... alone. I went to this club where they are celebrating single's night. It felt so weird because I didn't feel like dancing. Usually, when I enter the club and I see wasted people, different lights flashing, hear house music and feel the beat pounding my chest, I couldn't help but go to the dance floor and dance like there's no tomorrow. I call it "dancing my fears and troubles away". But last night was different. I don't know if it is because I was alone (but I always dance alone, my friends just stand at one corner and talk), or because at the back of my mind I’m thinking that I am single and I don't really want to be one.

I remember seeing this couple. They really look good together, and they were hugging and kissing while dancing. I just can't help but wish that I had a partner too. It's not that I’m desperate. I know that there are a lot of advantages of being single. Maybe it's just that I’m missing the feeling of having someone to take care of you and worry for you. Someone who would be there to listen to your problems or complaints. Someone whom you could count on no matter what happens. Someone who's not just a friend. Someone who loves you for who you are, no "but" and no "if".

All these things make me think. Do I really have to search for the right person? Or should I just wait? Which is the cliché? Because I’ve tried both and I’m still single... for five years now. I've dated a couple of guys along the way, but none of them worked out. I don't know if it's me, if it's the timing, if it's them? There are just too many factors that would determine what makes all the attempts fail.

The last guy that I dated said it was the wrong timing. But then everything was perfect at first. That’s the reason why we decided to try it out, to date each other. But the, after a couple of days, it was gone. So I guess it wasn't the timing after all. It should've been perfect if not for the things that I guess that scared the spark away.

Let's say it was the guy. Am I looking for the wrong guys? Do I have very high standards? One friend told me that I should stop dreaming. That I should face reality. But what about what I want? Should I just settle for something less? What should I look for then? If that's the case, then I wouldn't be happy with the one I’m with. I would just be pushing myself to do something that I don't want. Making yourself believe that you like someone. Then I would just be fooling myself and the other person as well.

I guess it all boils down to myself. I had been the person who felt that love plays an integral part in one's life, and I’m not being dramatic. That's just the way I feel. Maybe that's the reason why I’m coming up with these ideas, because I think about it too much. I feel that this is going to change soon. I feel the need to focus on something else. I'm not saying that it's not important; it's just that there are other things that need my attention too. Maybe it's time for me to focus on my career, or my family or something else. This change is going to be good. As I have said, I am not a big fan of change, but if it’s for the better, then I’ll accept it with open arms.
I feel that I’m growing emotionally. I'm slowly seeing a bigger picture. Life isn't always about love. Love's going to say goodbye to me for a while. I know that someday it will come back to me. Anyway, change will always be there. But then the faith will always be there. The faith that someday, I will look back and say... "This is worth the long wait."

Boss

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the people who touched your life in one way or another. I’ve always been the person who feels really bad when these things happen. For the past few days, even though I don’t want to, I had to say goodbye to some people who I’ve worked with. I know that I’ve established this connection with these people, but i have no choice. I'm just following orders. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but they felt the same way when I told them the news.

For the past month, I've worked with 9 great people. I became their confidant, their boss, and their consultant. It’s not just the work that made our bond strong, but also the friendship that we’ve established since the day that I introduced myself to them. I worked with them everyday. Step by step, I was able to bring out their full potential. And from being the team with the lowest stats, I was able to make the best out of them. We became the best team for the month of June.

Unfortunately, the next month, the Center Manager transferred me and Chai (supervisor) to a different account which according to them, needs our help. In other words, we have to leave our team and we can't do anything about it. This is the same thing that happened weeks ago, when our Operations Manager was transferred to a different account. I knew how my agents felt because I was in that same position when our boss told us that he'll be leaving the campaign. I consider him the best boss i ever had. He was able to bring out the best in us, not only regarding work but also in terms of how we interact and communicate with other people. He gave us responsibilities that helped us grow. He was the one responsible for the improvement that the campaign is experiencing now. He organized everything, increased the morale of all the people working for the campaign, and he earned the respect that he deserves from all of the people working under him. He is a great person. He treated each person as his friend and never let anyone down. I know for a fact that the people he's working with now, feels the same way we did, and i know that he will continue to touch lives wherever he may go. And these are some of the things that i will never forget.

The Power of Goodbye

I miss these moments. Sitting in front of the computer, listening to music, trying to think of what happened to me the past few days, weeks, months, or years even. For me, it's an unexplainable state. I feel like i'm bringing out some part of me that's been hidden for the longest time. I'm venting out emotions, and it feels damn good.

Tonight, i'm listening to Madonna's "Power of Goodbye", i just had the urge to play it while writing this blog, don't ask me why, im not sure. Maybe it's the solemn, intense beat, or maybe it's the lyrics... "learn to say goodbye", or who knows... maybe it's just Madonna.

Anyway, last week, I met this guy. I was talking to his close friend who just broke up with a long time boyfriend. He just appaered out of nowhere. He suddenly extended his hand and introduced himself. I was so wasted that night, but i still remember how he looked like, everything was so clear.We started this conversation. He was talkin about how he wanted to have a guy, and i was asking him what he wanted, i'm trying to get picture of the guy that he liked thinking that maybe, i could help him find one. After all the guessing, i kinda gave up. It seems that this guy didn't care about the physical side. Everything's fine with him long as he's nice. After that, I started teasing him, then all I remember is that his head is on my shoulder and one of my arms is around him...

To make the long story short, we have this wierd constant communication. i wanna see him again though, maybe one of these weekends...

I told myself this will be different. i'm saying goodbye to my old ways. I'm gonna enjoy every moment, i'll not think about it. I will go with the flow. No more sudden moves, no more surprises...

we'll see what will happen...

renaissance

it has been a long time since the last entry. i guess i was just waiting for a significant event to inspire me to start a new entry. here i am now, in front of my own computer in the office. yes, i do have a new job, and it's far more promising than the other ones that i have gone through in the past years... that is if everything goes well. i know that life is full of suprises, but i have faith in this path that i'm taking right now.

in a couple of weeks, i'll be staying in Clark, Pampanga. i was hired as a team leader for a campaign that will be transferred there. and i have no problem with that. i think i need to get away from the city. that's what i've been doing in the past few months... i went to Boracay, Baguio, Bataan, Puerto Galera thinking that i just need a break. but everytime i go back to Manila, problems start appearing everywhere... problems with money, family, friends, love, relationships, etc. i told myself this has to stop. fortunately, one of my best friends, Chai called me up. she told me that a company needed a team leader as soon as possible. i went to the office and after 3 days, i was already on the floor. i thank the heavens for letting me have a friend like her. we've known each other for the longest time, we've been in the same company a lot of times, (if she leaves a campaign, most of the time, i would leave too and apply with her in a different company, that's how close we are.), we share the same sentiments, we enjoy the company of each other... in other words, if we're together, we're a perfect fit.

i told myself before that i can't live in a place where there's no night life, but then, i realized i have to be practical. not that i'm having a hard time digesting the fact that i'll be leaving Manila, it's just that i never thoguht that i would accept an offer like this. i know for a fact that i'll be missing government, bed, cbtl, my friends, my family, etc... but then i felt that it will be better this way. in Clark, there won't be temptations to spend money (except for the casino and duty free, but i doubt that i'll be hooked. i don't find them really interesting), and at the same time, i would be able to take care of myself. 8 hours of sleep, 8 glasses of water everyday, constant exercise (i heard they had a swimming pool and a basketball court), etc. if i go back to manila, i should look better. :)

right now, i'm under the transition phase, i'm getting myself ready for the big changes that are coming. unlike the past changes, this one will be a good one.

irony

i don't know why, but i think my life's is like a complicated maze... if i don't get to the right exit, i have to go back and start all over again... and true enough, i'm back to where i started. some things happened that changed my life in an instant. i found myself back to where i was months ago. i thought i was on the right track. but apparently, i wasn't able to handle the irony. the wrong move was not to have a back up plan. now, it's too late... i have to start all over again.

my mind's messed up right now. things didn't go the way i wanted them to. i feel like i have no one to talk to, i feel so alone. after a close friend told me he needed space, i had no choice but to go back to my best friends, who i know that will always be there. i told them everything. what happened to my job, my friend, the people i used to hang out with a lot. they're somewhere behind the shadows, they're still there, but i just won't be able to see them for now. i feel so depressed.

it's a good thing i never lose hope. something tells me that again, for the nth time, i'll be able to stand up and move on.

this is enough. don't want to elaborate. i just have to stop and analyze everything before it's too late.

mistakes

after the trip to Baguio, i found myself in a state where everything is a mess. suddenly, i am not comfortable with how i'm living my life. i haven't paid my rent, haven't done the laundry, don't know where i'll be stayin next month... i'm back to complaining. there is a mistake made somewhere and i told myself i won't look back. i have to face what's ahead of me and not think about the past. i learned my lesson. no regrets...

on the other hand, since i was still able to make a solution to this mess, i'm taking things one step at a time. i know myself, i'll be able to get out of this. i've been through a lot of things in my life and i won't let these stuff pull me down.

i believe that it's the dreams that we have that makes us feel strong. believing that somehow, somewhere we will be able to reach the stars and say to the world that we've made it. it's having the courage to stand up everytime you fall, it's the passion of doing what you love to do, it's the desire to get what you've always wanted. life will never, ever, be perfect. you just have to live with that. no more complains from now on. accept things the way they are, do not expect anyone to help you, work things out, and move on. you just have to be strong. fuck what everyone says... it's your life.

just don't forget

never give up...

reading between the lines...

i was supposed to be on a bus to Baguio right now, but i ended up sitting in front of a computer reading the blog of a friend due to unexpected frustrating incidents. the one who invited me, my friend JP, is now sleeping in my pad waiting for the clock to strike 6am because that's the time the only available bus leaves.

anyway,

i gained a lot friends within the past month, and one of them is JP. i've been with him for almost 14 days now because of business, and we're even spending this weekend in Baguio. i consider him as one of my close friends because we've shared a lot of experiences together. i am thankful that he's there when i needed a shoulder to cry on and would always be glad to lend my shoulder to him, but then i feel that his best friend needs him more than i do now. while reading the blogs, i was touched by how a friend Wanggo misses his best friend JP. somehow i feel guilty because i was always hanging out with JP lately, but then i realize that it's just that i have the luxury of time and no one to spend it with other than him. i think that communictaion is important in any form of relationship and i know that they are not spending much time together than before, but like what i commented on Wanggo's blog, what they shared together is something that will stand the test of time. the friendship will always be there, no matter what happens. i believe that it's not the bad times with friends that people should remember, it should be the happy moments they shared together, it's not the absence but the times that they were there for each other, it's not the misunderstandings but the harmony they have everytime they're together.

i do respect their friendship and i wouldn't want to see it fall apart.

all of a sudden, i remembered my best friends, i haven't been seeing them that often now, but i know that through the years (almost 16 years) that we've known each other, absence won't be a factor that could change the way we feel for each other. we've been through thick and thin, and our bond will always be strong, strong enough to surpass any trials that will come our way. words would never be enough to explain how thankful i am that i have friends like them.

my friends are very important to me, they have been a part of who i am right now, and every lesson i learned, every tear i shed, every meaningful moment i shared with them will always be remembered.

remembering

i've been missing a lot in my life lately. i started to send text messages to my old friends and call some of them. apparently, nothing much changed. everything's pretty normal.

i tried to look at the things that are left in my pad today, (after my roommates left) and i found my journal.the last entry was when i spent my lunch talking to this person. it was a flashback. the feelings came back, i was able to imagine the exact setting. i was in the training room talking to him. he had a bad night. i was trying to make him feel better. i had butterflies in my stomach. i miss those moments. but then, things are different now. i'm doing great. i just don't know why things like these suddenly appear from nowhere, i know that i'm on the right path but there's just these moments where i can't help but go back and remember.. songs played on the radio, things that reminded me of the sad experiences i had in the past, all these stuff makes me feel vulnerable. but then i told myself i will not hurt, i am strong, i can do this.

i almost forgot... a funny thing happened this afternoon, i realized i didn't have money at all. but then after a couple of hours trying to figure out where i will be able to get dough for tomorrow, a friend told me that he was able to sell some of the accessories that we made. i was so surprised that i immediately left what i was doing and went straight to his work. i waited for an hour. i was just smoking outside when i remembered myself a year ago. i was like this. living for the moment. i don't wanna go back to that state. i have to save money. so what i did was keep half of what i earned.

tomorrow will be a brand new day. i'll be making some more accessories. i'll be going to the gym, i'll be thinking of what's ahead of me. no more looking back. i've learned a lot from the past but there's no time to dwell on them. move on gerard... move on...

coping

for the past few days, i've been working wih a friend for this business we're trying to put up. it's fun because i've been meeting a lot of people and aside from that i've been doing great in my design job. i've been busy, but i still have time for myself. i've been exercising, which is good... i'll be trying out different sports, which is better and i finally had the time that i wanted for myself... the wierd thing is, i never had problems with money. its not that i can buy whatever i want, but let's just say i have enough money to have fun, and pay my debts (slowly). i've decided that i should start saving money, and that's what i'm trying to do right now. i've been focusing on my craft and at the same time spend more time with friends.

i remember what i said to myself when i went to Boracay. i'll be a changed man, when i get back to Manila. after all the things that happened to me the past few days, somehow, i was able to find more reasons to do so. everything's fine so far. i know that i'm on the right track.

i'm still coping though. i know that after what happened, everything will be harder for me, but with the help of a friend, i was able to look at things differently. i'm more optimistic.

i'll be moving out of my pad soon. maybe tomorrow. the plan is i'll be living with my mom for a couple of days until i find a place to rent. i don't really want to stay there but i have no choice. i have to be practical. i just hope that i won't have any problems with them while i'm there.

it's been a long month for me. i still miss some of the moments but everything happens for a reason. maybe there's something better coming. a lot of changes happened, and i don't regret any of them.

i'm generally happy... i've had my share of sad moments but i'm moving on...

conclusion

almost a month of investing emotions, almost a month of believing, almost a month of trying to be perfect for this person and now the conclusion.

i've tried everything to make this work, but i can't control destiny... it was just not meant to be.

i saw this coming... not recieveing a text from him for a couple of days; when we're together, he won't talk to me the way he used to; all the signs were telling me that it won't end the way i wanted it to. but i have to hear it from him.

it was raining that night. just finished a drinking session with friends. i told myself that i have to do this. this would be a good time to hear it from him, or at least get updates.

we entered the cab. the conversation started. then there it was. hitting me hard. "it's gone". it's over. but then i wanted to tell him everything. we talked for a few more minutes outside his building. after letting out some of the emotions, i felt that i'm about to cry. i want him. i don't wanna lose him.i made a desperate request, i wanna spend the night with him. one last time. tomorrow, i'll accept that we could only be friends but that night i wanted us to stay that way.

after entering his room, i asked him to play a sorta fairytale by Tori Amos. i was just staring at the floor. listening. then i asked for his hand, he hugged me. that was it... the lowest state. loving someone you can never have. and he was there hugging me. it felt like he was saying sorry. i can't do anything but accept. its over.

when he took a shower, i started crying really hard. all the memories came back. and each one made me cry more. why can't i have him? why am i not worth it? i could have done anything for him, but it was still not enough. it will never be enough. it would have been perfect, but it was just not meant to be.

after taking a shower, i saw him sitting on the bed. listening to music. i wanted to cherish that moment. our last night. i sat beside him and hugged him. then he started crying. he was telling me things about his past relationships, how promises were broken. he told me that he's not going to do that to me. we'll be friends.

i told myself that i'm going to remember that moment. and i still feel it. now i'm trying to mend this part of me that keeps on breaking. i'm good at this. i've done this a lot of times, and i know i can make it.

i gave it my best shot... but i just can't have him.

Finding myself

I decided to take a break and try to find myself. I was telling one close friend that the first step on the sands of Boracay will be memorable. The water was clear, the sand was soft, I felt the coldness of water fill my feet. It was hard to walk carrying my bags on the shallow water of the beach, but I know it's worth it. I told myself I'll be finding myself here... In this beautiful island. And my first step was the beginning.

I stared into the sun and the beauty of it all. Only the sound of the waves, the wind and the children playing filled my ears. It was serene that time.

After finding a place, we went to the beach. I was walking under the heat of the sun. It was a bit painful to the skin because it was almost noon. I know I'm going to be used to this. Somehow it felt like that experience was preparing me for the changes that I have to go through. It will be a tough one. But I'll be able to cope with it.

After eating lunch, we went swimming. The water near the shore was warm because of the algae. One of my friends there told me that it was cleansing the sands; that was the reason why Boracay sand was white. I wished that it would also be that easy for me to be cleansed from all the things that have been doing in Manila. But then if it weren't for those things, I won't be the person I am today. I learned a lot from those experience. I didn't regret any of those.

The water was gradually getting colder as we swam away from the shore. But then then the sun was still burning my skin. It was a nice experience. Your in the middle of two extreme things. Trying to find your comfort zone. True enough, after a couple of minutes, I was enjoying every moment of it. I was there... Floating on cold water under the heat of the sun... My comfort zone.

I was sitting watching the people enjoy the beach when I realized it was almost sunset. I watched the orange sun hide under the horizon, it felt like it was saying goodbye to me... Like it will stay there under the horizon, giving way for the moon and the stars to shine, and tomorrow, I'll see it again. It was slowly getting darker. Only the moon and the lights from the bars made it possible for us to see the sand where we were walking. After a few more minutes, I heard the beat of the drums... It was the start of nightlife in Bora.

We went home to change clothes. After dinner, we ended at Paraw. They had bean bags, floor pillows and a low table. We were just sitting there, enjoying the music. After a couple of hours, we decided to go to a different state of consciousness. A place where everything was beautiful. The lights were colorful and the sound will fill your body... I was happy. My friend told me to let go. I accepted everything in my life. I was so happy I cried. It was a bit embarrassing but I can't help it. I just felt this cold air in my eyes then tears suddenly appeared. It was a part of the whole experience for me. I felt all the pain, the problems, the fears go away. I used my shirt to wipe them off. Everything around me was full of color and lights. I found the beauty of the things around me. I was dancing the whole night. Every time a drop of sweat came out from my skin, every time a tear fell, I felt better. I was letting go.

After that night, the shirt I used to wipe the sweat and tears was gone. We never found it. Probably someone thought it was his shirt, but I guess he will never know that it had some part of me that I let go that night.

I found a part of me of the first day. It was hidden under the things I think about everyday. buried under problems about love, money, family, friends. These things that gave me pain and happiness. And I learned a lot from them. But that night let go of them... What was left was me.