I hate the way you walk towards me. It makes me hope that you’ll always look for me when you’re alone.
I hate it when you tease me. It adds up the memories I keep that make me miss you even more.
I hate the way you smile at me. It makes me weak and smile back no matter how bad I feel at that minute.
I hate it when you say you miss me. Those are simple words that make me hold on to something I do not see.
I hate the way you hug me tight. It keeps me up when I try to sleep at night.
I hate the way you make me feel secure. Coz I know that you could just disappear and leave me alone in the future.
I hate your surprises coz I know I’ll always be waiting for the next one day after day.
I hate it when you stare at me. You mesmerize me too much that I couldn’t think straight.
I hate it when you hold my hand. Coz when we part ways, I keep wishing that I still have yours on mine.
And worst thing I hate, is not hating you at all. All these things make me want you even more.
Monday, December 13
Sunday, December 12
this is how I see things
I lied. There aren't any other blog. I still write, but chose not to publish them because I'm afraid of misinterpretation. This time, I'll try make things as simple as possible and not care about what people will say.
I didn't think I'd like you this much. Not caring that you're not mine, not caring that I wouldn't see you everyday, all that matters is I have something to look forward to, and every time it happens, you never fail to make me smile. I'm tired of drama, I don't want to complicate things that are already complicated. I'm just enjoying the ride. Especially the few days we spent together.
Like what I told you when we first met, I am a hopeless romantic. I see things differently. Things that might be nothing to you could mean a lot to me.
Our 2 days in the island was memorable for me. I was so excited that even though I was tired from our trip in Tagaytay, I didn't have time to think about rest. I told myself, I might not have the chance to do this with you again so I'd just go for it. To tell you honestly, I'm not the type of person who would do that. I'd rather stay at home and rest if I'm really tired, but there's something in you that makes me break my routine.
The whole trip was all worth it. All I have are pigments of memories. You might have seen things differently, but this is how I see them.
I thought that night was perfect. We were alone in an island, the clouds paved way for the stars to shine above us, and the fireflies were dancing around us. The sound of the wind and the waves crashing against the walls of the islands blended with the silence. There was a harmony of tranquility, and for me it was romantic. We were in front of our tent on a cliff. Only the stars, the moon and the small fire from a lamp gave us light. It was dark but it was enough for me to see the beauty of your face. It was cold that night, but it didn't matter, you were beside me. Your eyes were gleaming, I didn't know if you noticed me staring, but something in you mesmerized me. When you talk, laugh and tease me, I forget that you are not mine.
In the morning, we rented a kayak, which scared me a bit because the plan was to go the other island. I love to swim, but I wouldn't have crossed the sea using that small boat without you. I guess my point is you give me courage to do things I want to accomplish but didn't have the strength to do so. Even if you think that I always argue, deep inside, I am impressed on how you pacify my thoughts and open my mind. You are more complex inside. No matter how simple things are to you, you still make my mind tick and try to understand where you're coming from. I know that sometimes, when you are alone, you think of things you don't want to tell me, trust me, I notice. And during those times, you also make me think. I just hope you trust me to listen to anything you are thinking of. No matter how bad or evil it is, I can handle it.
You made me see the world differently. You made me see things I didn't thought of before I met you. I don't know how you do it, but trust me, whether you know it or not, you have a huge effect on me. You are young but you've developed a different level of maturity that other people still do not have. There are still times when you're childish but those things add up to your charm.
Now we're back to how it used to be. Me sending messages, you most of the time not replying. Me wanting to see you and you making me think that you do not care at all. Sometimes I am almost convinced that I'm just one of your many conquests, and it's tiring. But when I think about it, what do I have that would make me a part of your conquests? A lot of people would want to go out on a date with you. More good-looking people with sexier bodies. Then why me? I asked you this question and you said you do not know. Again, something that makes me think. I just hope that I'm right to assume that you are not superficial.
When I'm about to give up, you'd do something that would make me hold on. Then that's the time that I'd tell myself I'm tired of drama. You make me happy, and that's what's important to me now. I was hoping that you'd be more sensitive and consistent, but on the other hand, this hope might complicate things even more, so I'll just take that back and be satisfied with what we have, whatever this is.
It's crazy that way.
I didn't think I'd like you this much. Not caring that you're not mine, not caring that I wouldn't see you everyday, all that matters is I have something to look forward to, and every time it happens, you never fail to make me smile. I'm tired of drama, I don't want to complicate things that are already complicated. I'm just enjoying the ride. Especially the few days we spent together.
Like what I told you when we first met, I am a hopeless romantic. I see things differently. Things that might be nothing to you could mean a lot to me.
Our 2 days in the island was memorable for me. I was so excited that even though I was tired from our trip in Tagaytay, I didn't have time to think about rest. I told myself, I might not have the chance to do this with you again so I'd just go for it. To tell you honestly, I'm not the type of person who would do that. I'd rather stay at home and rest if I'm really tired, but there's something in you that makes me break my routine.
The whole trip was all worth it. All I have are pigments of memories. You might have seen things differently, but this is how I see them.
I thought that night was perfect. We were alone in an island, the clouds paved way for the stars to shine above us, and the fireflies were dancing around us. The sound of the wind and the waves crashing against the walls of the islands blended with the silence. There was a harmony of tranquility, and for me it was romantic. We were in front of our tent on a cliff. Only the stars, the moon and the small fire from a lamp gave us light. It was dark but it was enough for me to see the beauty of your face. It was cold that night, but it didn't matter, you were beside me. Your eyes were gleaming, I didn't know if you noticed me staring, but something in you mesmerized me. When you talk, laugh and tease me, I forget that you are not mine.
In the morning, we rented a kayak, which scared me a bit because the plan was to go the other island. I love to swim, but I wouldn't have crossed the sea using that small boat without you. I guess my point is you give me courage to do things I want to accomplish but didn't have the strength to do so. Even if you think that I always argue, deep inside, I am impressed on how you pacify my thoughts and open my mind. You are more complex inside. No matter how simple things are to you, you still make my mind tick and try to understand where you're coming from. I know that sometimes, when you are alone, you think of things you don't want to tell me, trust me, I notice. And during those times, you also make me think. I just hope you trust me to listen to anything you are thinking of. No matter how bad or evil it is, I can handle it.
You made me see the world differently. You made me see things I didn't thought of before I met you. I don't know how you do it, but trust me, whether you know it or not, you have a huge effect on me. You are young but you've developed a different level of maturity that other people still do not have. There are still times when you're childish but those things add up to your charm.
Now we're back to how it used to be. Me sending messages, you most of the time not replying. Me wanting to see you and you making me think that you do not care at all. Sometimes I am almost convinced that I'm just one of your many conquests, and it's tiring. But when I think about it, what do I have that would make me a part of your conquests? A lot of people would want to go out on a date with you. More good-looking people with sexier bodies. Then why me? I asked you this question and you said you do not know. Again, something that makes me think. I just hope that I'm right to assume that you are not superficial.
When I'm about to give up, you'd do something that would make me hold on. Then that's the time that I'd tell myself I'm tired of drama. You make me happy, and that's what's important to me now. I was hoping that you'd be more sensitive and consistent, but on the other hand, this hope might complicate things even more, so I'll just take that back and be satisfied with what we have, whatever this is.
It's crazy that way.
Thursday, November 18
Things I'll Never Say
I'll just write everything here. Maybe one day you'll see it, maybe not. But what's important is that I'm able to express what's inside me, whether you figure it out or not.
NOTE: If you haven't seen anything that makes me turn you off big time, this might be it... this is my young teenager side. But who cares? I have nothing to lose. You're not mine anyway. :P
Here it goes...
I am always happy when I am with you. No matter how complicated things are, I always see the good side of what we have. I admit, sometimes it hurts to think that I do not have the right to ask you to see me anytime I want to, or sleep beside you every night, or wake up every morning and see your face, but it's fine rather than not seeing you at all.
I love everything about you. Since we met, I've been looking for something in you that would turn me off, but up until this moment, I haven't found any.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking pictures of you in my mind. Every now and then I see you smiling at me. Remember the first time I slept at your house? You were sleeping at the couch with him. When I was about to leave, I woke you guys up so you could transfer to your room. When you opened your eyes, you were smiling. I dunno if you were dreaming but I thought it was funny to see you wake up smiling when you always sleep with your eyebrows crossed like you're mad at someone.
Just the thought of you puckering your lips when you ask me to kiss you makes me ecstatic. Whether I'm at work or in the middle of a conversation with a friend over coffee, seeing that picture in my mind would never fail to make me smile.
Every time I see you make that semi-sad face, there's something inside me that makes me want to hug you. Remember when we were eating at Recipes when we said that we feel like we're like magnets? I feel that every time you make those weird facial expressions or every time I feel your skin against mine. Sometimes I couldn't help myself but hug and kiss you.
When you kiss my cheeks or put your chin on my shoulder, the butterflies in my stomach come to life. When we're walking side by side, and out of nowhere you put your arms around me, I melt. I feel like a teenager whenever you do those things.
There was this time when we were on the escalator in Trinoma, I was in front of you and you suddenly hugged me. People were staring at us but you didn't care... we didn't care. The whole time, I was wishing that the night won't end.
Most of the time, I wanted to call you or send you a message, but I hold back thinking that he might see it and might cause you trouble or you might not respond. You don't know how hard it is for me to hold back. But once I get a text from you, or I hear your voice when you call, I turn to a different person, someone who couldn't stop smiling. It's funny coz if I tell this to my friends, they'd laugh at me or raise an eyebrow or even tell me that's pathetic, but you know what, that's the truth and I don't want to lie to you.
I admire your honesty. You do not pretend to be a straight acting guy when you're with me, which is something that most people do nowadays. You have the guts to tell me the truth, even if you think that it would hurt me. Though I am still not sure up to this moment if you are really honest to me, or if everything is just game to you, I'd take it. All that matters to me now is that we're having fun.
I like it when you do whatever you wanna do, when you dance (especially when you danced waka waka, which I never saw again), show your feminine side, when you tell me that you're too lazy to take a shower, the way you say "anubayun" and "tuhmuh", when you put your fingers in the middle of my chest, when you put your hand on my legs when we take the cab, when you tease me, the list goes on. I could tell you a lot of things that I remember about you in the two weeks that we spent together, I pay attention to details, these are the things that I always cherish.
Right now, all I think of is being happy. Not caring about what other people would say. Besides, there's a reason why our paths crossed. There's a reason why out of all the people that night we met, out of all the guys who got my number, out of all the times I met different people, you're the one who's here now, the one who brightens my day. There's always a reason for everything, there must be something I have yet to learn out of this.
You also made me believe that age doesn't matter. Sometimes you make me feel that you are more mature than me. You are adventurous, free spirited, and no matter how much you deny it, you know what you want and you do everything to get it. You are a good person. I admire you for what you do. You live your dreams.
You're the person who makes me want to wake up every morning and face the day with a smile hoping that I'll see you again. The only person who made me comfortable in my own skin. Some one whose kiss I'd always want to have. Your smile is the first thing I want to see when I wake up everyday. The one who I never got tired of seeing, no matter how far you are, no matter how complicated this is. You are an amazing person.
I am taking this one as it is. I hold on to the changes that shift inside me and allow things to fall in to whatever place they're meant to be. I know that the odds are not on our side, but that's fine. I'm still glad you're here now, making me happy. I just hope that I'm truly making you happy as well. I do not want you to worry, I am fine the way things are. I know where I stand. But like what I asked you before, just tell me if things have to end. Don't just leave, have the courage to at least say goodbye. And if that time comes, I'll wish you well and thank you for the ride.
NOTE: If you haven't seen anything that makes me turn you off big time, this might be it... this is my young teenager side. But who cares? I have nothing to lose. You're not mine anyway. :P
Here it goes...
I am always happy when I am with you. No matter how complicated things are, I always see the good side of what we have. I admit, sometimes it hurts to think that I do not have the right to ask you to see me anytime I want to, or sleep beside you every night, or wake up every morning and see your face, but it's fine rather than not seeing you at all.
I love everything about you. Since we met, I've been looking for something in you that would turn me off, but up until this moment, I haven't found any.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking pictures of you in my mind. Every now and then I see you smiling at me. Remember the first time I slept at your house? You were sleeping at the couch with him. When I was about to leave, I woke you guys up so you could transfer to your room. When you opened your eyes, you were smiling. I dunno if you were dreaming but I thought it was funny to see you wake up smiling when you always sleep with your eyebrows crossed like you're mad at someone.
Just the thought of you puckering your lips when you ask me to kiss you makes me ecstatic. Whether I'm at work or in the middle of a conversation with a friend over coffee, seeing that picture in my mind would never fail to make me smile.
Every time I see you make that semi-sad face, there's something inside me that makes me want to hug you. Remember when we were eating at Recipes when we said that we feel like we're like magnets? I feel that every time you make those weird facial expressions or every time I feel your skin against mine. Sometimes I couldn't help myself but hug and kiss you.
When you kiss my cheeks or put your chin on my shoulder, the butterflies in my stomach come to life. When we're walking side by side, and out of nowhere you put your arms around me, I melt. I feel like a teenager whenever you do those things.
There was this time when we were on the escalator in Trinoma, I was in front of you and you suddenly hugged me. People were staring at us but you didn't care... we didn't care. The whole time, I was wishing that the night won't end.
Most of the time, I wanted to call you or send you a message, but I hold back thinking that he might see it and might cause you trouble or you might not respond. You don't know how hard it is for me to hold back. But once I get a text from you, or I hear your voice when you call, I turn to a different person, someone who couldn't stop smiling. It's funny coz if I tell this to my friends, they'd laugh at me or raise an eyebrow or even tell me that's pathetic, but you know what, that's the truth and I don't want to lie to you.
I admire your honesty. You do not pretend to be a straight acting guy when you're with me, which is something that most people do nowadays. You have the guts to tell me the truth, even if you think that it would hurt me. Though I am still not sure up to this moment if you are really honest to me, or if everything is just game to you, I'd take it. All that matters to me now is that we're having fun.
I like it when you do whatever you wanna do, when you dance (especially when you danced waka waka, which I never saw again), show your feminine side, when you tell me that you're too lazy to take a shower, the way you say "anubayun" and "tuhmuh", when you put your fingers in the middle of my chest, when you put your hand on my legs when we take the cab, when you tease me, the list goes on. I could tell you a lot of things that I remember about you in the two weeks that we spent together, I pay attention to details, these are the things that I always cherish.
Right now, all I think of is being happy. Not caring about what other people would say. Besides, there's a reason why our paths crossed. There's a reason why out of all the people that night we met, out of all the guys who got my number, out of all the times I met different people, you're the one who's here now, the one who brightens my day. There's always a reason for everything, there must be something I have yet to learn out of this.
You also made me believe that age doesn't matter. Sometimes you make me feel that you are more mature than me. You are adventurous, free spirited, and no matter how much you deny it, you know what you want and you do everything to get it. You are a good person. I admire you for what you do. You live your dreams.
You're the person who makes me want to wake up every morning and face the day with a smile hoping that I'll see you again. The only person who made me comfortable in my own skin. Some one whose kiss I'd always want to have. Your smile is the first thing I want to see when I wake up everyday. The one who I never got tired of seeing, no matter how far you are, no matter how complicated this is. You are an amazing person.
I am taking this one as it is. I hold on to the changes that shift inside me and allow things to fall in to whatever place they're meant to be. I know that the odds are not on our side, but that's fine. I'm still glad you're here now, making me happy. I just hope that I'm truly making you happy as well. I do not want you to worry, I am fine the way things are. I know where I stand. But like what I asked you before, just tell me if things have to end. Don't just leave, have the courage to at least say goodbye. And if that time comes, I'll wish you well and thank you for the ride.
Wednesday, November 3
Dating 101
Dating someone is not a part of my normal routine. I can't even remember the last time I dated, maybe because it's something I'm not good at. I don't even know what dating is nowadays.
Saturday night, I got an invite from a friend to go the a Halloween party. It was my birthday and I didn't have anything to do, so I said yes. We got there at around 1:00am, technically Sunday, October 31st. The place was packed, the line was 3 blocks long. The good thing was my friend had connections. :)
We went to one of the Korean places and saw some old friends. A couple of Sojus later, I was shirtless dancing. I was having so much fun (with the help of alcohol) that I just started flirting with other people there. After several introductions, I ended up with one of my old friends, N. He was with two other guys, one was with my friend, J, and other was alone, standing alone behind N. I was hugging N when I noticed him. I told him he's cute. I didn't have any intention of flirting with this guy. I just found him really mysterious and cute. The next thing I remember was that I was chatting with him already. We exchanged numbers and they left.
That morning, when I woke up, I was happy. I didn't think that I am capable of getting that much numbers that one night. It was a big ego boost, though, I honestly didn't have any plans of calling the guys. For me, that place was a playing ground, and I am not the type of person who would play around.
"I'm searching for u in facebook
Can't find u"
It was a text message from him. I told him I didn't have any so he asked me to make one.
After a couple of exchange of text messages, we ended up meeting that night to have dinner. We also played billiards (where he lost and gave up his shirt), sang in a videoke, had a couple of drinks in a bar and ended sleeping in my place.
Now, we're dating, but in a little more complicated situation than what you think.
Saturday night, I got an invite from a friend to go the a Halloween party. It was my birthday and I didn't have anything to do, so I said yes. We got there at around 1:00am, technically Sunday, October 31st. The place was packed, the line was 3 blocks long. The good thing was my friend had connections. :)
We went to one of the Korean places and saw some old friends. A couple of Sojus later, I was shirtless dancing. I was having so much fun (with the help of alcohol) that I just started flirting with other people there. After several introductions, I ended up with one of my old friends, N. He was with two other guys, one was with my friend, J, and other was alone, standing alone behind N. I was hugging N when I noticed him. I told him he's cute. I didn't have any intention of flirting with this guy. I just found him really mysterious and cute. The next thing I remember was that I was chatting with him already. We exchanged numbers and they left.
That morning, when I woke up, I was happy. I didn't think that I am capable of getting that much numbers that one night. It was a big ego boost, though, I honestly didn't have any plans of calling the guys. For me, that place was a playing ground, and I am not the type of person who would play around.
"I'm searching for u in facebook
Can't find u"
It was a text message from him. I told him I didn't have any so he asked me to make one.
After a couple of exchange of text messages, we ended up meeting that night to have dinner. We also played billiards (where he lost and gave up his shirt), sang in a videoke, had a couple of drinks in a bar and ended sleeping in my place.
Now, we're dating, but in a little more complicated situation than what you think.
Tuesday, October 26
A Heart of Stone
I have a strong heart. It had gone through a lot of pain in the past and if it was something tangible, it would blend with the stones in a pile of gravel because of the dents and sctratches. No one would want to keep it based on its appearance. But behind the surface, it is a diamond, and it was beating for someone who is not seeing its true beauty.
When I fell for him, I was equipped with all the rules and guidelines to follow when dealing with relationships. The ultimate goal: to prove to the world that love is something that lasts, and each person should make every sacrifice to make the relationship work… committing to the bond that brought you guys together. For years, I did everything I felt right. I sacrificed my needs and wants for the relationship… for him; for the person I want to be with the rest of my life. I felt that he did the same thing too. For the years we were together, we knew there would be humps along the way, and we mastered the art of dealing with small misunderstandings. We accepted each other’s mistakes. It was so perfect that at the end of each argument, we talk as if nothing happened. We understood each other. Or so I thought. The truth is, there’s no book or rule out there that would put your heart on a safe place. You have to lay it out there and hope that someone would find it.
That’s what I did. I threw my heart and he found it. I thought he would want to keep it and take care of it forever, but last night he threw it away. It is now over. All my dreams of with him are now nightmares that haunt me. All the happy memories spent together are things I do not want to remember because they make me stop whatever I am doing, breakdown and cry.
I’m confused and hurt. I was wondering if every moment we spent together were built on lies. Every kiss, every hug, every sweet moment we spent together before we sleep, every “I love you” I got from him before I left the house, the times we held each other’s hand on every cab we took together, every night we laugh and tease each other, the list goes on. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs and ask “Why?”
He doesn’t know how much pain I am in right now. What makes it worse is he acts as if nothing happened, not a single tear shed for losing me. After everything I saw and felt, my mind still wanted to be strong for my friends and family, I wanted them to see that I am fine, but I can’t do this anymore. My heart is crushed. I thought I could prepare myself for every pain that would come my way, I actually thought of this exact scenario, I told myself that his lies won’t destroy my heart. I’ll turn a blind eye. My mind was convinced I could do it, my heart was not.
So now, I’ll leave the pages blank, I do not know what is ahead of me, all I know is that my heart is out there. I have to find the pieces and hope that someone would pick it up and take care of it.
Saturday, October 23
You are One Hell of a Person
The past few days have been easier, except today. I just had 2 hours of sleep and although it's a Saturday, I'm still at work. I just started in the new office, and yes, they work 6 days a week here. It probably would've been better if I had enough sleep last night, i wouldn't be feeling stressed out and depressed again.
"I didn't flirt around, I just loved somebody..."
This was the status message that struck me. Insensitive motherfucker! Though I don't have a facebook account anymore, we have tons of common friends. Did he think that that message won't reach me? So what's his point? After telling me that he dated several people at the same time while he was in a relationship with me, he'll tell his friends that he didn't flirt around? What an imbecile. Well, we all know facebook... 'post whatever makes you interesting' so ok, he might have fooled several people, like the way he's telling them that he's straight. But just a reminder, there are a lot of people who knows the truth. (and c'mon... you? straight? ugh!)
You may have thrown away everything in an instant, but do not forget that you stepped on someone's foot, and there a huge karma coming your way... and sad to say it is not the good one. Laugh all you want, enjoy everything, flirt and fuck around, but at the end of the day you will still be reminded of what we had and what you did.
"I didn't flirt around, I just loved somebody..."
This was the status message that struck me. Insensitive motherfucker! Though I don't have a facebook account anymore, we have tons of common friends. Did he think that that message won't reach me? So what's his point? After telling me that he dated several people at the same time while he was in a relationship with me, he'll tell his friends that he didn't flirt around? What an imbecile. Well, we all know facebook... 'post whatever makes you interesting' so ok, he might have fooled several people, like the way he's telling them that he's straight. But just a reminder, there are a lot of people who knows the truth. (and c'mon... you? straight? ugh!)
You may have thrown away everything in an instant, but do not forget that you stepped on someone's foot, and there a huge karma coming your way... and sad to say it is not the good one. Laugh all you want, enjoy everything, flirt and fuck around, but at the end of the day you will still be reminded of what we had and what you did.
Tuesday, October 19
After a bad break up, I find myself looking at the mirror and see what's left of me. Nothing's changed aside from the added dark circles under my eyes, and the redness caused by crying for days. I left Manila to reflect and let go of all the negative vibes I got hoping that when I come back, I'll be a new person.
I would like to think that I feel better. I am actually exerting effort to do it. Every time I remember him, there's an alarm telling me to immediately think of something else. Unfortunately, we've been together for a long time. We've been everywhere, and each time I see each place, I am reminded of the last time I was there. I was reminded of who I was with him.
So who am I back then?
I was contented with what I had. I loved a person who was not treating me right, that's what people say. However, I can honestly say I was happy. I was generally happy with him. Though I got so used to it that everything seems like a routine, I can still say that I loved him.
He was not perfect, but I loved him for those imperfections. I made myself believe that he had his own way of showing his affections to me. He never showed any picture of us in Facebook because he said he was not out of the closet. On the other hand, everything in his facebook points to the fact that he is gay. I remember the time when I told a close friend of mine, "I could've had a perfect relationship only if he's proud of having me as a partner."
I don't know where this blog is going, my mind is tired of thinking of him. Maybe I still miss him...
Ok, I should stop now. Back to my goal. I'm gonna be fine. I'll be okay. I am blessed. I am happy and loved.
I would like to think that I feel better. I am actually exerting effort to do it. Every time I remember him, there's an alarm telling me to immediately think of something else. Unfortunately, we've been together for a long time. We've been everywhere, and each time I see each place, I am reminded of the last time I was there. I was reminded of who I was with him.
So who am I back then?
I was contented with what I had. I loved a person who was not treating me right, that's what people say. However, I can honestly say I was happy. I was generally happy with him. Though I got so used to it that everything seems like a routine, I can still say that I loved him.
He was not perfect, but I loved him for those imperfections. I made myself believe that he had his own way of showing his affections to me. He never showed any picture of us in Facebook because he said he was not out of the closet. On the other hand, everything in his facebook points to the fact that he is gay. I remember the time when I told a close friend of mine, "I could've had a perfect relationship only if he's proud of having me as a partner."
I don't know where this blog is going, my mind is tired of thinking of him. Maybe I still miss him...
Ok, I should stop now. Back to my goal. I'm gonna be fine. I'll be okay. I am blessed. I am happy and loved.
Tuesday, September 21
A Heart of Stone
I have a strong heart. It had gone through a lot of pain in the past and if it was something tangible, it would blend with the stones in a pile of gravel because of the dents and sctratches. No one would want to keep it based on its appearance. But behind the surface, it is a diamond, and it was beating for someone who is not seeing its true beauty.
When I fell for him, I was equipped with all the rules and guidelines to follow when dealing with relationships. The ultimate goal: to prove to the world that love is something that lasts, and each person should make every sacrifice to make the relationship work… committing to the bond that brought you guys together. For years, I did everything I felt right. I sacrificed my needs and wants for the relationship… for him; for the person I want to be with the rest of my life. I felt that he did the same thing too. For the years we were together, we knew there would be humps along the way, and we mastered the art of dealing with small misunderstandings. We accepted each other’s mistakes. It was so perfect that at the end of each argument, we talk as if nothing happened. We understood each other. Or so I thought. The truth is, there’s no book or rule out there that would put your heart on a safe place. You have to lay it out there and hope that someone would find it.
That’s what I did. I threw my heart and he found it. I thought he would want to keep it and take care of it forever, but last night he threw it away. It is now over. All my dreams of with him are now nightmares that haunt me. All the happy memories spent together are things I do not want to remember because they make me stop whatever I am doing, breakdown and cry.
I’m confused and hurt. I was wondering if every moment we spent together were built on lies. Every kiss, every hug, every sweet moment we spent together before we sleep, every “I love you” I got from him before I left the house, the times we held each other’s hand on every cab we took together, every night we laugh and tease each other, the list goes on. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs and ask “Why?”
He doesn’t know how much pain I am in right now. What makes it worse is he acts as if nothing happened, not a single tear shed for losing me. After everything I saw and felt, my mind still wanted to be strong for my friends and family, I wanted them to see that I am fine, but I can’t do this anymore. My heart is crushed. I thought I could prepare myself for every pain that would come my way, I actually thought of this exact scenario, I told myself that his lies won’t destroy my heart. I’ll turn a blind eye. My mind was convinced I could do it, my heart was not.
So now, I’ll leave the pages blank, I do not know what is ahead of me, all I know is that my heart is out there. I have to find the pieces and hope that someone would pick it up and take care of it.
Wednesday, September 1
Life in the Net
"Twitter, Blogger, Tumblr, Facebook... Facebook is blocked here in my new office, Multiply is a marketplace... good thing there's Twitter, but wait, twitter.com won't open. Let's check Tweetdeck... there. I love tweetdeck!"
That's just me talking to myself while I was sitting in front of my laptop in my sorta new office in Makati. No facebook here... (unless you use your phone. :P)
With all the Social Networking sites out there (I don't even know if Tumblr and Blogger are considered as Social Networking sites!), I hate to admit it but, I'm a bit confused. Tweetdeck could've been the best way to update everything, but I also write blogs. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of short and sweet messages especially Twitter, but sometimes, I also love to write long essays about whatever. Facebook's out of the question because it's unaccessible here.
That's just me talking to myself while I was sitting in front of my laptop in my sorta new office in Makati. No facebook here... (unless you use your phone. :P)
With all the Social Networking sites out there (I don't even know if Tumblr and Blogger are considered as Social Networking sites!), I hate to admit it but, I'm a bit confused. Tweetdeck could've been the best way to update everything, but I also write blogs. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of short and sweet messages especially Twitter, but sometimes, I also love to write long essays about whatever. Facebook's out of the question because it's unaccessible here.
After hours of trying to figure out the best solution, I was left with one question, how will my Tumblr automatically feedits post to Blogger without using a link (like showing links instead of the actual post)?
Tuesday, August 24
My Photography
This is the logo I will use for my photography. It's gdp which stands for Gerard Daduya Photography. I had my brother design and create this. Below is the design of my calling card:
Front:
Back:
Monday, August 23
Bloglovin
Just saw a fun blog and realized how much I miss bloggin, so I decided to revive this blog and change the layout...
More updates coming soon...
Follow my blog with bloglovin
More updates coming soon...
Follow my blog with bloglovin
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