One last Goodbye to my Ex

Last night, when I was about to go home, I got a message from my ex saying that he misses me and hopes that I’m fine. Since I was near where he was, I suddenly asked if he wants to meet up. I was thinking then of finally having closure with him. It’s been four months since the day we broke up and I know I was ready to face him. I told him to meet me in front of Starbucks. After a few minutes, I saw him walking towards me and suddenly, he approached me and hugged me. He whispered “I miss you so much.” I was not ready for that. I just gave him a pat in the back and asked him if he wants to grab a beer or something. We went to one of the taverns in the area and started talking about stuff that happened to both of us the past month. Out of nowhere, he asked me if I still love him. I said I don’t know, then that’s when he started crying. He told me that he needs me and that he wants me back. I was not ready for that kind of conversation because I know that I already moved on. I just told him that he’s gonna be ok, that humans have a great capability to heal, and sorry but he won’t get what he wants from me. I wanted us to be ok. I wanted closure, but what was happening that time isn’t what I anticipated. He couldn’t stop crying so I explained to him what was in my mind. I told him that we have our differences. I thought I couldn’t live without him before but after spending time alone, I realized that there are a lot of things in life that I should focus on. I cracked a joke, that’s when he started laughing. The rest of the night was different from that point on. I thought we were finally getting closure until the time that I was about to go home. I don’t know what came to him but he started hugging me and was insisting that he’ll take me home. I didn’t want him to. We were along the road with all the people and cars passing by and it almost came to a point where I shouted at him. It was crazy. I couldn’t do anything else, so I told him to calm down and listen to me. I said there will be a time that he would just look back on all these things that are happening and just smile. I said sorry, but I do not see any reason for us to be together, maybe when we see each other by the time that both of us moved on, we could be friends and possibly start something from there. But now I don’t really see that happening. After a couple of minutes, I left him there, crying. It broke my heart, but I know that it’s the right thing to do.

What we had is something I will treasure forever. I will never regret the time, the pain, the tears, the smile, the laughter, and the stress, everything that we shared. He made me who I am right now, and I am thankful for that. It’s sad that we parted ways but we should learn to celebrate what we have now. Like what I said in one of my posts last year, life is not like fairytales where stories have a happy ending, life is meaner… but when you think of it, it’s what makes life beautiful. If everything’s perfect then we wouldn’t need our friends, our family or anyone to share our lives with. Life would be boring that way. What I know is that pain is there to make us learn and realize that there are a lot of things in life we should appreciate other than the things that we aim for.

When I got home, I got a message from him admitting that I have a point and that he wishes me well. I said thank you and goodbye.

What Am I Suppose to Do?

I know how hard it is to deal with issues of the heart, and the fact that I’m not straight adds-up to the trouble. Unlike straight people, there’s an unwritten rule that men should be the one to court girls, but for us, it’s more complicated. How would you know if you’re supposed to make the first move or when is it ok to ask someone out? The Charmer is not a huge fan of replying to my messages which is the reason why things get difficult for me. I don’t know if he intends not to reply or if he’s really busy. However, whenever I get a message from him, he makes it a point to remind and tell me that he wants to meet me again and likes hearing from me; it’s just that he doesn’t have time. Isn’t it right to think that if you like a person, you’ll make time for him? Or this only applies to people who have the luxury of time? Now, I’m afraid to send him messages because he might get tired of my texts. Yesterday, I just sent him one message for the whole day at around 10pm and his reply was that he missed my messages. How crazy is that? Whenever I send him massages, it’s either I won’t get a response or it takes him years to reply but when I don’t he’ll tell me he misses my messages. Does that mean I should just send him messages and just wish that he’ll reply? The funny thing is that he knows that me waiting for his reply is kind of frustrating. I told him this the last time we’re together and he said sorry and that he’ll try his best to do better next time. Lately, his messages usually start with “sorry for the late response…” and surprisingly I still get some kind of relief whenever I get this but the problem is the thought that he won’t be replying next time.

Now my question is what the hell is the reason why he does that? When should I ask him what he is really into? Does he see friendship in me or what? Everything points to the idea that he likes me… what his friend tells me, his messages, our date… but when we’re not together, everything gets too complex.

One possible reason I can think of, is that I’m not that important to him. If that’s so, what will I do to change this knowing the fact that it’s so damn hard to communicate and to schedule a meet up with him? I badly need to know what in particular I should do. No more, go with the flow, one step at a time, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my friends’ advice, but this time I would probably need to figure out something to do to turn the table around. Really, this is getting too wearisome for me. I badly want the Charmer, but I just don’t know what to do.

I'm so Confused

This is a really crazy entry, but I know for a fact that a lot of people go through the same situation.

HEART: A sudden wave of depression passed by me as I was walking on my way home from the gym. Last night was surreal. I didn’t think that something so wonderful could happen to me again. Yes, I had an official date with the Charmer, and what he offered me changed the whole game. I saw him in a different light. He was a person who is so dedicated to his goals and is not in the circuit. I saw the depth of his personality in one night, something that is hard to achieve. There are a lot of exchange of stories, statements and beliefs, but what’s important in the end is how we reacted to the whole thing. We both enjoyed the night and felt the connection. As corny as it may sound, especially to those who abhor Valentine’s Day, we like each other’s company. Until now, we are still exchanging messages, but what he doesn’t know is that I feel scared of what’s gonna happen next. I’m afraid to invest emotions because of the fear of going through all the pain that comes with it. It’s so easy to say that people should take the risk, but what I went through in my past relationship was so bad that I still remember how hurt I was then. Aside from this, there’s also to think that he might be thinking of the same thing. Worse, he might not be over his ex. That would definitely complicate things.

MIND: On the other hand, this game we started is becoming grueling. I just took the next step and now, I’m tired and don’t know what to do next. I’m starting to lose coz I feel like I’m starting to really like him. But a part of me is saying I’m not yet ready to give up that easily. I told myself that I’m gonna give this my best shot. But come to think of it, he already gave signs that I won, but he might be bluffing. I couldn’t let my guard down, not now. But what if he’s actually just waiting for me to do that and he would do the same. It would then be a draw then. It would’ve been perfect that way, unfortunately, I wouldn’t really know for now. All I can say is that I’m at the losing end. I definitely lost yesterday, he got me there. But the game is not yet over.

30 hours straight

I woke up at 3:00pm on Friday, and when I wrote my previous post, I was thinking that I’ll be sleeping like a baby, but when I went to bed, my mind was so awake thinking of the things I’m gonna be packing. I felt so restless. I went downstairs to drink water several times before deciding to forget about sleeping and just do the packing. I took out my bags and started folding my clothes so that it won’t take too much space. After that, I took my socks, towels, toiletries, Jeans, etc. My mind was working so hard that my body would not know which item to get first, toothbrush or CDs? Books or bedsheets? I guess I was a bit excited to have my own place again. I started packing at 4:30am and finished at 8:00am. I had to meet up with Nyl to get the keys for duplication at around 8:15am so I made packing as fast as I could. Of course, with the help of my ever reliable cousin, we met up with Nyl, took the keys, went to the house to plan on how we’ll be cleaning it first, and then determine what we need to buy. After that, we duplicated the keys, bought some cleaning equipment, and waited for Jason (I asked for his help since he has a van and all my stuff would fit in it.) to pick us up. He got to our house at around 12pm, and then took us to the place where I’ll be moving to. It’s relatively near my folks. The succeeding hours are grueling. We scrubbed the walls, the tiles, the floor… we scrubbed everything just to make it look clean. We finished part of the job at around 6:00pm and stopped since we don’t have sandpaper to remove the water stains on the bathroom tiles. When the owner, saw what we did, he was shocked. The tiles that used to be grayish black turned white, the cluttered dirty kitchen was clean and organized, and the room that used to be dusty and dark was as good as new. All of that in 6 hours, and we’re not yet done. We’ll resume later with the finishing touches. Hahah!

After taking a shower at around 9:00pm, I tried to check some stuff in my computer but my eyes felt so tired and fell asleep with the iTunes playing rock songs. I was so tired that the load music didn’t bother me at all. I was 30 hours awake and accomplished tons of stuff with the help of my cousin Elfi. And just for the record, she never fails to amaze me with her hard work and kindness to me. That’s something I’ll be cherishing for a very, very long time. I remember when she first came to Manila (she’s originally from the province), she was so sweet, prim and proper, innocent and shy. After years of staying in our house and having me as a mentor, now, she’s so funny, can be loud sometimes, could easily get along with my friends (who knows her so well too), and I’m proud to say that she can now bitch at some stuff as well. Hahah! She got that from me! I’m a proud cousin!

About the Game

Create a False Sense of Security-Approach Indirectly

I wanted the Charmer to feel comfortable with me. All my replies were constructed in a way that he would think that I’m just after friendship. And for the past 2 days, he’s been sending more messages, making his presence felt. A while, ago, he asked me where I was at, I said I was in a coffee shop. He said meet up with me after finishing his drinking session with colleagues. I said ok, just text me. Unfortunately, the shop already closed, but I didn’t get any message from him, so I decided to go home. I told him that the place was closed already, didn’t say that we could just meet up next time, or something that would make him think that we can’t meet anymore, because I do want to talk to him and know more about him. I know that I’m missing the first critical technique here, but what can I do? The Charmer got his own game plan. I could have the upper hand here thinking that he’s falling to my bait, but on the other hand, maybe the reason why we haven’t really talked much is because he has his own tricks up his sleeves.

I just woke up hours ago (yes, I know that my body clock’s f*cked up right now), so when he asks if we could still hang out, I could still say yes. But I’m not waiting for him though; it’ll just make me over analyze things again. We’ll see what will happen later.

Another Renaissance

I will be going through a lot; I know this for a fact. I’ll be moving out of my parent’s place tomorrow. For the past weeks, I have been thinking on living an independent life. Life has been easy for me with my family around. I got used to having people’s help anytime. Not that I’m complaining, I’m thankful for having my family’s support, it’s just that I’m afraid that I won’t be able to live normally without them when there’s an urgent need to. I have to start getting used to it now. So I talked to one of my friends, and luckily, they have a spare room. The place where I’ll be staying isn’t that far from my folks. It’s also accessible to a lot of places, like the gym, MRT station, restaurants, 24-hour convenience stores, coffee shops, etc. so I don’t think adjusting won’t be that hard, especially living with some of my close friends (though they’re not in the house that often). I’m gonna be packing my stuff in a while, of course I have to bring with me five of the most important gadgets I have (which are all colored black by the way, I just love the color). I told myself before that the 5 gadgets that I need and want would be, first, a mobile phone. Mine’s Nokia 6300 which is so user friendly and slim. It’s the best basic phone I’ve seen. Also, since I love music, I have an iPod, a 4GB Nano which plays videos as well, so it’s cool. Fourth is my laptop, which is almost a necessity nowadays, I have an old ASUS A3000, which contains all the important documents I need, including back up copies of my blog entries. I also have a slim PSP, which is there when I’m bored and when I need to surf without having to bring my laptop. The last one took me years before actually getting one. I love taking pictures, and it was hard for me to determine what kind of model to buy for a digital camera. Fortunately, I was able to decide this afternoon, and bought a Canon Powershot G9. I still have a lot to learn in order to use it effectively, and I’m not really in hurry, so I just decided to finish studying CSS/HTML first.

I have already set goals for myself, and I guess I’m on the right track. I’ve been telling my subordinates at work that the most important thing in a company is that the employees are happy with what they’re doing because that will give them the motivation they need to perform well. It’s hard to assign duties to people who don’t really like what they’re doing. The output won’t be as remarkable, or worse, they won’t be productive at all. The good thing is I already know what I want, and know that this would be something I won’t get tired of doing. Hopefully, I’d be successful in the field.

About the Game

The Techniques

I have to correct myself. My previous blog states that there are steps in seducing a person. After some reading, I found out that those are actually techniques. The first one I discussed is the most important, but as I understand it the rest doesn’t have to come in order. So here are all the techniques (they might sound weird, but the explanation in the book justifies the title):

1 Choose the Right Victim (the absolutely critical first step)

2 Create a False Sense of Security-Approach Indirectly

3 Send Mixed Signals

4 Appear to Be an Object of Desire-Create Triangles

5 Create a Need-Stir Anxiety and Discontent

6 Master the Art of Insinuation

7 Enter Their Spirit

8 Create Temptation

9 Keep Them in Suspense-What Comes Next?

10 Use the Demonic Power of Words to Sow Confusion

11 Pay Attention to Detail

12 Poeticize Your Presence

13 Disarm Through Strategic Weakness and Vulnerability

14 Confuse Desire and Reality-The Perfect Illusion

15 Isolate the Victim

16 Prove Yourself

17 Effect a Regression

18 Stir Up the Transgressive and Taboo

19 Use Spiritual Lures

20 Mix Pleasure with Pain

21 Give Them Space to Fall-The Pursuer Is Pursued

22 Use Physical Lures

23 Master the Art of the Bold Move

24 Beware of the Aftereffects

After several days of not sending any message to him, based on technique number 3, sending mixed signals; I wanted him to think that I’m not really that interested anymore. To my surprise, he sent a message to me saying that he suddenly thought of me and he hopes that I was ok. I said “ you just miss me. Haha! I’m ok, hope you are fine as well”. Then he said he wanted to see me soon. I said “I’ll tell you when I’m free. J”

It’s funny how people need attention. Usually I tell my friends who are having issues with the people they like to just don’t bother. I was trying to make them look unavailable, and the more they act that way, the more the other person does the chase. Maybe humans have this need to chase or to be wanted. If they see that an individual does everything to catch his attention, the more he moves back and allows attention to boost his ego, but when it stops, he’s gonna do things to get that attention back, which is the same thing that happened to the Charmer.