irony

i don't know why, but i think my life's is like a complicated maze... if i don't get to the right exit, i have to go back and start all over again... and true enough, i'm back to where i started. some things happened that changed my life in an instant. i found myself back to where i was months ago. i thought i was on the right track. but apparently, i wasn't able to handle the irony. the wrong move was not to have a back up plan. now, it's too late... i have to start all over again.

my mind's messed up right now. things didn't go the way i wanted them to. i feel like i have no one to talk to, i feel so alone. after a close friend told me he needed space, i had no choice but to go back to my best friends, who i know that will always be there. i told them everything. what happened to my job, my friend, the people i used to hang out with a lot. they're somewhere behind the shadows, they're still there, but i just won't be able to see them for now. i feel so depressed.

it's a good thing i never lose hope. something tells me that again, for the nth time, i'll be able to stand up and move on.

this is enough. don't want to elaborate. i just have to stop and analyze everything before it's too late.

mistakes

after the trip to Baguio, i found myself in a state where everything is a mess. suddenly, i am not comfortable with how i'm living my life. i haven't paid my rent, haven't done the laundry, don't know where i'll be stayin next month... i'm back to complaining. there is a mistake made somewhere and i told myself i won't look back. i have to face what's ahead of me and not think about the past. i learned my lesson. no regrets...

on the other hand, since i was still able to make a solution to this mess, i'm taking things one step at a time. i know myself, i'll be able to get out of this. i've been through a lot of things in my life and i won't let these stuff pull me down.

i believe that it's the dreams that we have that makes us feel strong. believing that somehow, somewhere we will be able to reach the stars and say to the world that we've made it. it's having the courage to stand up everytime you fall, it's the passion of doing what you love to do, it's the desire to get what you've always wanted. life will never, ever, be perfect. you just have to live with that. no more complains from now on. accept things the way they are, do not expect anyone to help you, work things out, and move on. you just have to be strong. fuck what everyone says... it's your life.

just don't forget

never give up...

reading between the lines...

i was supposed to be on a bus to Baguio right now, but i ended up sitting in front of a computer reading the blog of a friend due to unexpected frustrating incidents. the one who invited me, my friend JP, is now sleeping in my pad waiting for the clock to strike 6am because that's the time the only available bus leaves.

anyway,

i gained a lot friends within the past month, and one of them is JP. i've been with him for almost 14 days now because of business, and we're even spending this weekend in Baguio. i consider him as one of my close friends because we've shared a lot of experiences together. i am thankful that he's there when i needed a shoulder to cry on and would always be glad to lend my shoulder to him, but then i feel that his best friend needs him more than i do now. while reading the blogs, i was touched by how a friend Wanggo misses his best friend JP. somehow i feel guilty because i was always hanging out with JP lately, but then i realize that it's just that i have the luxury of time and no one to spend it with other than him. i think that communictaion is important in any form of relationship and i know that they are not spending much time together than before, but like what i commented on Wanggo's blog, what they shared together is something that will stand the test of time. the friendship will always be there, no matter what happens. i believe that it's not the bad times with friends that people should remember, it should be the happy moments they shared together, it's not the absence but the times that they were there for each other, it's not the misunderstandings but the harmony they have everytime they're together.

i do respect their friendship and i wouldn't want to see it fall apart.

all of a sudden, i remembered my best friends, i haven't been seeing them that often now, but i know that through the years (almost 16 years) that we've known each other, absence won't be a factor that could change the way we feel for each other. we've been through thick and thin, and our bond will always be strong, strong enough to surpass any trials that will come our way. words would never be enough to explain how thankful i am that i have friends like them.

my friends are very important to me, they have been a part of who i am right now, and every lesson i learned, every tear i shed, every meaningful moment i shared with them will always be remembered.

remembering

i've been missing a lot in my life lately. i started to send text messages to my old friends and call some of them. apparently, nothing much changed. everything's pretty normal.

i tried to look at the things that are left in my pad today, (after my roommates left) and i found my journal.the last entry was when i spent my lunch talking to this person. it was a flashback. the feelings came back, i was able to imagine the exact setting. i was in the training room talking to him. he had a bad night. i was trying to make him feel better. i had butterflies in my stomach. i miss those moments. but then, things are different now. i'm doing great. i just don't know why things like these suddenly appear from nowhere, i know that i'm on the right path but there's just these moments where i can't help but go back and remember.. songs played on the radio, things that reminded me of the sad experiences i had in the past, all these stuff makes me feel vulnerable. but then i told myself i will not hurt, i am strong, i can do this.

i almost forgot... a funny thing happened this afternoon, i realized i didn't have money at all. but then after a couple of hours trying to figure out where i will be able to get dough for tomorrow, a friend told me that he was able to sell some of the accessories that we made. i was so surprised that i immediately left what i was doing and went straight to his work. i waited for an hour. i was just smoking outside when i remembered myself a year ago. i was like this. living for the moment. i don't wanna go back to that state. i have to save money. so what i did was keep half of what i earned.

tomorrow will be a brand new day. i'll be making some more accessories. i'll be going to the gym, i'll be thinking of what's ahead of me. no more looking back. i've learned a lot from the past but there's no time to dwell on them. move on gerard... move on...

coping

for the past few days, i've been working wih a friend for this business we're trying to put up. it's fun because i've been meeting a lot of people and aside from that i've been doing great in my design job. i've been busy, but i still have time for myself. i've been exercising, which is good... i'll be trying out different sports, which is better and i finally had the time that i wanted for myself... the wierd thing is, i never had problems with money. its not that i can buy whatever i want, but let's just say i have enough money to have fun, and pay my debts (slowly). i've decided that i should start saving money, and that's what i'm trying to do right now. i've been focusing on my craft and at the same time spend more time with friends.

i remember what i said to myself when i went to Boracay. i'll be a changed man, when i get back to Manila. after all the things that happened to me the past few days, somehow, i was able to find more reasons to do so. everything's fine so far. i know that i'm on the right track.

i'm still coping though. i know that after what happened, everything will be harder for me, but with the help of a friend, i was able to look at things differently. i'm more optimistic.

i'll be moving out of my pad soon. maybe tomorrow. the plan is i'll be living with my mom for a couple of days until i find a place to rent. i don't really want to stay there but i have no choice. i have to be practical. i just hope that i won't have any problems with them while i'm there.

it's been a long month for me. i still miss some of the moments but everything happens for a reason. maybe there's something better coming. a lot of changes happened, and i don't regret any of them.

i'm generally happy... i've had my share of sad moments but i'm moving on...

conclusion

almost a month of investing emotions, almost a month of believing, almost a month of trying to be perfect for this person and now the conclusion.

i've tried everything to make this work, but i can't control destiny... it was just not meant to be.

i saw this coming... not recieveing a text from him for a couple of days; when we're together, he won't talk to me the way he used to; all the signs were telling me that it won't end the way i wanted it to. but i have to hear it from him.

it was raining that night. just finished a drinking session with friends. i told myself that i have to do this. this would be a good time to hear it from him, or at least get updates.

we entered the cab. the conversation started. then there it was. hitting me hard. "it's gone". it's over. but then i wanted to tell him everything. we talked for a few more minutes outside his building. after letting out some of the emotions, i felt that i'm about to cry. i want him. i don't wanna lose him.i made a desperate request, i wanna spend the night with him. one last time. tomorrow, i'll accept that we could only be friends but that night i wanted us to stay that way.

after entering his room, i asked him to play a sorta fairytale by Tori Amos. i was just staring at the floor. listening. then i asked for his hand, he hugged me. that was it... the lowest state. loving someone you can never have. and he was there hugging me. it felt like he was saying sorry. i can't do anything but accept. its over.

when he took a shower, i started crying really hard. all the memories came back. and each one made me cry more. why can't i have him? why am i not worth it? i could have done anything for him, but it was still not enough. it will never be enough. it would have been perfect, but it was just not meant to be.

after taking a shower, i saw him sitting on the bed. listening to music. i wanted to cherish that moment. our last night. i sat beside him and hugged him. then he started crying. he was telling me things about his past relationships, how promises were broken. he told me that he's not going to do that to me. we'll be friends.

i told myself that i'm going to remember that moment. and i still feel it. now i'm trying to mend this part of me that keeps on breaking. i'm good at this. i've done this a lot of times, and i know i can make it.

i gave it my best shot... but i just can't have him.