Drunk Entry

I'm alone in my room while all my friends are out having fun. It's the last weekend before the year ends, and a huge part of me wanted to party, I could go to a club, but I honestly prefer to party with the group I consider my second family. The bad thing is, I wasn't invited. Maybe I don't remember them inviting me, but the fact still remains, I am in my room, alone, while they are upstairs having fun. This sounds childish, this might be the alcohol talking (I decided to drink instead of wallow on my sorrow), or it may be the truth, that the stuff that happened to me the last quarter of the year took its toll on my relationship with my friends.

I may be sad now, I may feel bad that I wasn't invited, but I still love them dearly, each one of them. I just feel like an outcast now.

Hooked

I couldn't post what I really feel in Facebook and Twitter because they're my friends and he's following me. It's enough that I already gave hints based on the songs I was listening to while I sing them (using emoji). Technology has brought people together but also made your privacy accessible. These are the reasons why I reverted to blogging. I could write what I want without the feeling of being awkward.

"wow, that woke me up."

This was the reply I got when I sent him a text message. I thought it was something sweet or that I woke him up, but when I asked why, he said "nothing, someone called me up." That's fucked up...

It has been almost a week since I last saw him and now, I still get the aftershocks of liking him, but the storm is almost over. Maybe in a couple of days, i'd forget this stupid attraction.But one thing's for sure, this boy had this effect on me.

I know that it is close to impossible to get what I want at this point. He already defied his friends, and who am I to break that spell. He's already hooked. I just hope that no one gets hurt. It's either he'll be the water who puts out the flame or he'll get burned in the end, the same way I did.

Mine Someday

 It's been more than a year since the last time I really liked someone. And now that I do, of course, it wouldn't be fair if it's not complicated. Life has always been like that for me. I prayed for this moment to come, for a sign that it is still possible for me to hope for a relationship, and now that it's here, I do not know what to do.

 It has been a very long time, and I couldn't remember if this is possible... to like someone so much that you couldn't get him off your head. It has only been 4 days since the day I met him, but just one night I spent with him in his room (with his friends) intensified what I felt. This could be temporary, and after a couple of days, I'd be reading this and laugh at myself for writing, but who cares. I've always poured my heart out in this blog.

 This guy, who has been nice to me. This guy whose smile mesmerizes me. I don't know how he does it but every time he smiles, I couldn't stop staring at him. There's this sincerity in him when he does that. But more than the physical aspects, he has a good heart. Maybe that's what makes me like him more. He's not arrogant, he's accommodating, and very sincere with his words. He had his heart broken by someone, but he still looks at things positively.

 There are a lot of things to know about him, I am hoping that I'd still get the chance to know him more, but at the rate of how things are going, I don't think it'll happen anytime soon. A close friend of mine (housemate) also likes him, and they had the chance to spend time together last night (he slept in our house, in my friend's room). Days ago, they were holding hands in public. Yeah, it's fucked up for me. I don't even have anything to hold on to aside from his best friends words and some text messages that could easily be misinterpreted, either way, a part of me is still wishing that I could say that he's mine... someday.

2012

I have been wanting to start blogging again last year, but I have been procrastinating as well, so now, while feeling lazy to go home from work (not that I like staying here), I decided to write a new post... 

I should have posted before 2012 or at least a couple of days after the new year. My excuse: I'm part Chinese and it's almost Chinese New Year. (insert grin here)

Was looking over the net for a picture that would depict how excited I am that 2011's over and found this. 

2012 will be a year of change for me. The last year fucked me up big time. Debts here and there, stress at work and family, emotional torments, etc. But I've learned my lessons and I am now a better person. 

Happy New Year!!!

Things that I have...

For the past few weeks, I have been saving pictures of stuff that I want to have. Tonight, I compiled them and made it my wallpaper. I know that someday, I'm gonna have these...

Changes

The past weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It's my heart versus my mind. Again this is about the guy I've been seeing. He already told me that things aren't the same way as before and I could see and feel that. I just don't know how long I could put up with hanging out with him, wanting him, and him not reciprocating anymore. I feel like I've been pushing myself too hard. Although, I admit, no matter how fucked up this is, no matter how sad I am when I'm not with him, a part of me is still excited to see him, everyday. A glimpse of him makes things brighter, as if there's nothing wrong. I still do not understand until now how he got me. Maybe it's the way he looks, but I'm not superficial, and I already imagined that if he were not good looking, I'd still want to hang out with him. Maybe it's his character, though I already met other people of the same character, and if there was a moment for me to choose who to hang out with, I'd still choose him. I guess it's the combination of the things I see in him. Always making me smile, always being honest (though this isn't always true), the way he cares for his partner, the way he loves him and wants him. These are the things that I admire and at the same time, the things that hurts me. It's not that I couldn't take it, but every time I see him do things for his partner, the emptiness inside me makes its presence known.

It's all imagination for me now, just dreams. Dreams of what I'll do if we end up together, stuff that I'd do for him, things that I'd sacrifice. I wanna tell him take a chance on me, but if he doesn't want to, I can't force him. Right now, everything has been blurrier than ever, but I think I'm prepared. I can be his friend, though I would need a break before that happens, I'm still glad I met him. Can you imagine, out of all the people in Manila, out of all the guys I like and met, I became close to someone who I didn't even thought of dating. No matter how complicated things are, majority of me is happy that I met and learned things from him. I know that if we were not really meant for each other, I'd be hurt, I'd cry, but on the brighter side of things, he taught me things that would make me ready to meet the person I'm destined to be with, if he's still out there. 4 years of relationship and one great love should be enough.

If I could only have a chance to say everything I wanted to say without sounding mushy, or corny, majority of it would be thanking him. I may not be the one he fell for, I may not be the one he wanted to be with, but each moment we shared was worth the time and effort. I've learned a lot from this young man that I see things differently now. The only thing I couldn't learn is grabbing what you want. He was the person who always gets what he wants. I couldn't do that. I don't have the guts to do that.

I just realized, this has been the same scenario 7 years ago. Me dating someone, everything goes well at first then we end up friends. Maybe this is how things are. Some of us are meant to be happy alone. Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for love. I want the crazy head-over-heels love. But what if it doesn't come to me? Am I just gonna sit and sulk? I don't think so. I'm way better than that.

I think I'm ready to let go. Now that he's showing me that he's not into me anymore, now that he doesn't miss me the same way, now that I'm back to wanting something I couldn't have. I think everything's falling into the right place now. Now if I'm wrong, something is bound to happen. I just hope that he'd tell me, but either way, I'd still like to thank him for everything. It has been a great ride.

For now, back to my happy normal life, work hard, party harder!

Things I Hate

I hate the way you walk towards me. It makes me hope that you’ll always look for me when you’re alone.
I hate it when you tease me. It adds up the memories I keep that make me miss you even more.
I hate the way you smile at me. It makes me weak and smile back no matter how bad I feel at that minute.
I hate it when you say you miss me. Those are simple words that make me hold on to something I do not see.
I hate the way you hug me tight. It keeps me up when I try to sleep at night.
I hate the way you make me feel secure. Coz I know that you could just disappear and leave me alone in the future.
I hate your surprises coz I know I’ll always be waiting for the next one day after day.
I hate it when you stare at me. You mesmerize me too much that I couldn’t think straight.
I hate it when you hold my hand. Coz when we part ways, I keep wishing that I still have yours on mine.
And worst thing I hate, is not hating you at all. All these things make me want you even more.