Changes

The past weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It's my heart versus my mind. Again this is about the guy I've been seeing. He already told me that things aren't the same way as before and I could see and feel that. I just don't know how long I could put up with hanging out with him, wanting him, and him not reciprocating anymore. I feel like I've been pushing myself too hard. Although, I admit, no matter how fucked up this is, no matter how sad I am when I'm not with him, a part of me is still excited to see him, everyday. A glimpse of him makes things brighter, as if there's nothing wrong. I still do not understand until now how he got me. Maybe it's the way he looks, but I'm not superficial, and I already imagined that if he were not good looking, I'd still want to hang out with him. Maybe it's his character, though I already met other people of the same character, and if there was a moment for me to choose who to hang out with, I'd still choose him. I guess it's the combination of the things I see in him. Always making me smile, always being honest (though this isn't always true), the way he cares for his partner, the way he loves him and wants him. These are the things that I admire and at the same time, the things that hurts me. It's not that I couldn't take it, but every time I see him do things for his partner, the emptiness inside me makes its presence known.

It's all imagination for me now, just dreams. Dreams of what I'll do if we end up together, stuff that I'd do for him, things that I'd sacrifice. I wanna tell him take a chance on me, but if he doesn't want to, I can't force him. Right now, everything has been blurrier than ever, but I think I'm prepared. I can be his friend, though I would need a break before that happens, I'm still glad I met him. Can you imagine, out of all the people in Manila, out of all the guys I like and met, I became close to someone who I didn't even thought of dating. No matter how complicated things are, majority of me is happy that I met and learned things from him. I know that if we were not really meant for each other, I'd be hurt, I'd cry, but on the brighter side of things, he taught me things that would make me ready to meet the person I'm destined to be with, if he's still out there. 4 years of relationship and one great love should be enough.

If I could only have a chance to say everything I wanted to say without sounding mushy, or corny, majority of it would be thanking him. I may not be the one he fell for, I may not be the one he wanted to be with, but each moment we shared was worth the time and effort. I've learned a lot from this young man that I see things differently now. The only thing I couldn't learn is grabbing what you want. He was the person who always gets what he wants. I couldn't do that. I don't have the guts to do that.

I just realized, this has been the same scenario 7 years ago. Me dating someone, everything goes well at first then we end up friends. Maybe this is how things are. Some of us are meant to be happy alone. Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for love. I want the crazy head-over-heels love. But what if it doesn't come to me? Am I just gonna sit and sulk? I don't think so. I'm way better than that.

I think I'm ready to let go. Now that he's showing me that he's not into me anymore, now that he doesn't miss me the same way, now that I'm back to wanting something I couldn't have. I think everything's falling into the right place now. Now if I'm wrong, something is bound to happen. I just hope that he'd tell me, but either way, I'd still like to thank him for everything. It has been a great ride.

For now, back to my happy normal life, work hard, party harder!