Weekend at Last

This is a late entry. My original plan was to write before the weekend starts. I just felt lazy that time, and I also went out with Jason and Malou after the shift. We were in Glorietta til 6pm. Well I was left with Joel because Malou went home early.

We watched Basic Instinct 2. I was so inspired by how Sharon Stone manipulated her victim. It was her power of seduction, play of words and stunning beauty that made it possible for her to pull her tricks and destroy several people’s lives. Call me evil, but admired her for that. Only a few people would be able to do that.

After that, we saw a ramp in the middle of Glorietta and found out that it was Fashion Week. There’ll be a fashion show at 6:00pm. It made me remember the days when I would spend several thousands of pesos just for me to look fashionable at work. There was a time in my previous work that I never wore the same outfit twice for 3 months. I had a lot of shoes, jeans, shirts, jackets, etc. Name it, I have it. Those were the days when I was always seen as the most fashionable employee. I miss those days. Thinking about it makes me want to buy clothes again. But then reality bites. I wasn’t able to get commission for March and I have to save money for my Boracay trip. It sucks when I think about it, but at least I’ll be spending 1 whole week in Boracay. I can’t wait.

Sunday. I spent the afternoon in Greenhills with some friends. Again, I saw stuff that I liked, but didn’t really buy because of some financial issues. But it was ok. Well, I kinda spent much on this game in Timezone which was introduced to me by this guy I dated before. It was a game where there’s a bar moving from left to right, and you have to press a button to stop it from moving. The objective of the game is to stack up the bars to reach the top. The bars move faster and become shorter as the pile goes up. If you reach the top, you win a mobile phone or MP3 player. You can actually choose from 4 major prizes. I just can’t remember the four. It was easy at first. I actually reached the last block several times, but then I never stopped it at the right spot. It was really addictive because my friend even gave me money so that he could watch me play again and again. Too bad we didn’t win.

After that, I met up with my best friends in Seattle’s Best. We were finally able to meet, after several weeks of busy schedules. We were just chillin there, talking about Boracay, high school, stuff that didn’t really mean anything. We were teasing each other, making fun of the people around us, looking at each others’ phones, talking about the people that we usually see in the places where we used to go. That’s was our normal routine when we meet. We’ve known each other since grade school, and that’s something I’m proud of. We still see each other and talk over the phone as often as possible. We’ve seen each other grow and turn into who we are right now. We made each other stronger. We been together through ups and downs and I know that this won’t change.

I’m back in my room now. It’s actually 2:13pm. I’ll be going to work early to print out some certificates and do some reports. The weekend’s over, and I’m back to my normal, busy, stressful life.

Move on

I wasn’t able to write yesterday because I was so tired. I was planning to write though. After the shift, I went to Gateway with a friend and paid my phone bill. After that, we ate at Pancake house, and went home. It was a weird shift for me, because for some unknown reason, I kinda felt better. No extreme dizziness. I was even back to my normal routine of perking people. But then I heard some news. I didn’t actually believe it at first, No one believes the news, but then after analyzing it, I found out that this could be true.

My boss is going to resign from work. According to her, she’s gonna submit her resignation letter later. No one actually took her seriously. Maybe because she’s the type of person who would pull tricks on people for fun. She even made us believe that Manny Pacquiao was going to the office one time. She’s fun to work with though. When she’s around, work feels lighter (if she’s not in a bad mood). She would walk around the floor and crack jokes at people. When you see her the first time, you wouldn’t think that she’s a shift manager, but then when you start to know her, you’ll see that her decisions, the way she handles the campaigns, the way she deals with people and her way of working is astonishing. And she’s known for that.

She’s also a close friend of mine as well. During my first few months at work, she was my co-supervisor. We used to hangout at work with some of the other supervisors. When she was promoted as a shift manager, she’s took me as one of the supervisors in her campaign. Some people think she’s a bitch. Maybe because she always talks about what’s in and what’s out in the society. She’d usually talk about clothes, music, clubs, cars, etc. But then she’s just like that. She has a good sense of fashion and people skills which make others envy her. I, on the other hand, admire her way of dealing with people. Her humor makes everybody want to listen to her. It’s something that’s hard to learn; probably something that you cannot learn. It’s either you’re born with it or without it. And she’s one of those who have it. All in all, she’s a wonderful person inside out. And no one at work would want to see her go.

This happened to me before. My boss who I really like leaves work. I cried so hard yesterday when I heard the news. I still don’t know if this will push through or not. Hopefully it was just a joke. Or if she’s getting burned out, I hope that the management just gives her time to rest.

By the way, I wasn’t able to get my commission for the month of February. Someone was not able to send an email about it to the report writer. Yeah, it happened again. I’m just pushing for a check, like before. Also, I won’t be able to get commission for March. They did not approve my proposal. It hurts.

I can’t do anything about it anyway. Might as well move on…

Stress

Woke up early again today for some unknown reason. Maybe it’s because it’s so hot, and yeah, we do not have an air conditioning unit right now. I guess summer’s really here.

I’ve been having a hard time getting enough rest the past few days. Every time I’m at work, I feel so tired that I want to just lie down and sleep and forget about everything that’s happening around me, but when I get home, I only sleep for a couple of hours. I guess my body clock’s fucked up already. A friend told me yesterday that what I’m feeling is caused by over fatigue. I’ve been working too hard and not getting enough rest anymore. I believed him. I’ve been working too hard and my body’s giving up already. And the worst thing is I feel like I’m not getting anything in return. I feel like just writing here everything that’s in my head right now; stuff that stress me out.

Yesterday, I just found out that the benchmark for the commission grid of my agents was increased. I don’t know why they did this. That benchmark was given to us because that’s the number that you have to hit in order for the company to earn money. My team worked hard for them to hit the benchmark, and now, when they realized that my people are doing well, they increase the benchmark for what!?! Lesser commission for the agents, more money for the company? That’s fucked up! In the first place, why do they give out benchmarks on the start of dialing if they’re going to change on the last day of the cut off? There giving false hope to people, and I know that they’re gonna get something in return. I believe in Karma.

Second. I was talking about the available leads that we have left for the campaign that I handle. I was telling my boss that we don’t have enough leads to last for the 8 days that we still have to end the campaign. I was trying to tell her that we need to do something about it before we get to the point where we don’t hit our goal, and people blame me for not doing my job properly. But then, I did not feel the sense of urgency in this matter. I think she is trying to tell me that we worry about it when it’s happening already. I’ve seen it happen before in other campaigns, and I thought I could do some thing to prevent it fro happening to me, but I was wrong. I just don’t have enough power to make decisions on my own. All I can say is that, I did my part. I’m prepared. I’m just waiting for the disaster to happen.

Third. One of the campaigns ended yesterday. All the supervisors had a meeting about the staffing. FYI: I have the most number of agents dialing in one campaign that is having problem with the leads. 2 agents were transferred to my campaign. Then, after a few minutes, I just realized that they still added 2 more agents, which gives me 4. I actually don’t have problems if these people are performing or not, I can do something about their skills, but when you add more people to a campaign that’s having trouble with the leads, that’s something else. Don’t think I didn’t complain about it, I did. Maybe they just didn’t listen.

Fourth. I was waiting for my boss to give me updates on my commission, if she talked to her boss about the stats. But then NOTHING HAPPENED. That was the only thing that I was waiting for but I was kept hanging.

Fifth. One of my co-supervisor kept bugging me about putting songs to his iPod. He did not stop bugging me. I was in the middle of a monitoring session; he interrupted me to ask me to do it for him. He was asking me to bring his iPod with me at home and add the songs there. I am honestly willing to do I for him, but then his timing and the way he asked me was fucked up. I have his Nano and Shuffle with me right now, and I’m still thinking if I’m gonna do it o not.

Six. One of my cousins sent me a message that she needed money. She didn’t even ask for money, it was more like a command o give her money. I guess I don’t need to elaborate.

I'm back

I just woke up from a short sleep. I set my alarm at 5pm but I woke up at 3pm. So I only slept for 4 hours today. I just felt like writing so I turned my computer on and started typing.It’s been a while since I wrote something about myself. I’ve been so busy at work that I don’t even have the energy to go somewhere else after work. I normally work for 11 – 14 hours everyday. So you could just imagine how stressed my body is right now. Why am doing it? Maybe because it keeps me away from thinking about my personal problems, or maybe because I trying to make the best out of my career. I’ve been doing the reports of my boss for a couple of weeks now, and sometimes I just end up asking myself why the fuck am I doing this? Then I start to realize that this is a good training ground, or I just want to experience the life of someone who is almost at the top of the corporate ladder. I’m giving my best here. I’m doing my best to reach the top. I’ve been in the top 3 supervisors in the campaign for 3 months now, and I guess, it’s paying off, somehow. I get to make decisions for myself, my boss, who’s a really nice gal, listens to me when I say something about the way our campaign goes, and I get to be recognized by the people at work, I get some special treatment when it comes to some small things (which kinda make things a little fun.J), and I get to earn more money because of overtime and commission. Talking about commission, yesterday, after finishing all the monthly reports for the campaign, my world suddenly fell apart. I was hoping, well actually, expecting that I will be getting commission for the month of March. Well, I do deserve it. I’m the top supervisor for the month, I’m doing more stuff than a normal supervisor, and I’ve been damn serious with my work! But then, with a sudden twist of fate, my team quality scores did not meet the requirement for the commission. So all my plans for the month shattered into thin glass as I was staring at my monitor. I usually take everything that comes my way, but this one? Damn! I felt like all my efforts were wasted. Let’s face it everybody works for the money. And I’m not talking about a couple of hundreds; it’s 116% of my basic salary! I wanted to shout at that moment, but I realized it wouldn’t make any difference. So I went downstairs and lit a cigarette while thinking of how much I lost. I thought of all the stuff that I could do to get the commission. There’s no other way than go to my boss and talk to her about it.So after my cig, I went to my boss’ station then talked to her about it. She told me that she’s gonna talk to her boss about it. Fair enough. But then, after a couple of minutes of sitting in front of her, maybe she felt how devastated I am about what happened. Then she stopped what she was doing, and faced my ay and told me that she’s gonna fight for it. It kinda brought back some hope, but majority of what I was feeling was depression. I didn’t know what else to do. I guess I just have to wait till she talks to her boss.It’s gonna happen later. My shift starts at 8pm, and it’s already 4:25pm. Since we do have a management meeting at 7:30PM, I’m going to freshen up early. My friend will pick me up in a while.It felt great writing again. I missed doing this. It’s like telling a person everything, and all that person does is listen to you and feel for you. I’m gonna do this more often. It’s nice to be back.

Solo

I'm not a huge fan of change. And right now I’m experiencing it. I'm not complaining though. Sometimes, you just have to have the courage to face the things that are coming your way. Last night, I went out... alone. I went to this club where they are celebrating single's night. It felt so weird because I didn't feel like dancing. Usually, when I enter the club and I see wasted people, different lights flashing, hear house music and feel the beat pounding my chest, I couldn't help but go to the dance floor and dance like there's no tomorrow. I call it "dancing my fears and troubles away". But last night was different. I don't know if it is because I was alone (but I always dance alone, my friends just stand at one corner and talk), or because at the back of my mind I’m thinking that I am single and I don't really want to be one.

I remember seeing this couple. They really look good together, and they were hugging and kissing while dancing. I just can't help but wish that I had a partner too. It's not that I’m desperate. I know that there are a lot of advantages of being single. Maybe it's just that I’m missing the feeling of having someone to take care of you and worry for you. Someone who would be there to listen to your problems or complaints. Someone whom you could count on no matter what happens. Someone who's not just a friend. Someone who loves you for who you are, no "but" and no "if".

All these things make me think. Do I really have to search for the right person? Or should I just wait? Which is the cliché? Because I’ve tried both and I’m still single... for five years now. I've dated a couple of guys along the way, but none of them worked out. I don't know if it's me, if it's the timing, if it's them? There are just too many factors that would determine what makes all the attempts fail.

The last guy that I dated said it was the wrong timing. But then everything was perfect at first. That’s the reason why we decided to try it out, to date each other. But the, after a couple of days, it was gone. So I guess it wasn't the timing after all. It should've been perfect if not for the things that I guess that scared the spark away.

Let's say it was the guy. Am I looking for the wrong guys? Do I have very high standards? One friend told me that I should stop dreaming. That I should face reality. But what about what I want? Should I just settle for something less? What should I look for then? If that's the case, then I wouldn't be happy with the one I’m with. I would just be pushing myself to do something that I don't want. Making yourself believe that you like someone. Then I would just be fooling myself and the other person as well.

I guess it all boils down to myself. I had been the person who felt that love plays an integral part in one's life, and I’m not being dramatic. That's just the way I feel. Maybe that's the reason why I’m coming up with these ideas, because I think about it too much. I feel that this is going to change soon. I feel the need to focus on something else. I'm not saying that it's not important; it's just that there are other things that need my attention too. Maybe it's time for me to focus on my career, or my family or something else. This change is going to be good. As I have said, I am not a big fan of change, but if it’s for the better, then I’ll accept it with open arms.
I feel that I’m growing emotionally. I'm slowly seeing a bigger picture. Life isn't always about love. Love's going to say goodbye to me for a while. I know that someday it will come back to me. Anyway, change will always be there. But then the faith will always be there. The faith that someday, I will look back and say... "This is worth the long wait."

Boss

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the people who touched your life in one way or another. I’ve always been the person who feels really bad when these things happen. For the past few days, even though I don’t want to, I had to say goodbye to some people who I’ve worked with. I know that I’ve established this connection with these people, but i have no choice. I'm just following orders. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but they felt the same way when I told them the news.

For the past month, I've worked with 9 great people. I became their confidant, their boss, and their consultant. It’s not just the work that made our bond strong, but also the friendship that we’ve established since the day that I introduced myself to them. I worked with them everyday. Step by step, I was able to bring out their full potential. And from being the team with the lowest stats, I was able to make the best out of them. We became the best team for the month of June.

Unfortunately, the next month, the Center Manager transferred me and Chai (supervisor) to a different account which according to them, needs our help. In other words, we have to leave our team and we can't do anything about it. This is the same thing that happened weeks ago, when our Operations Manager was transferred to a different account. I knew how my agents felt because I was in that same position when our boss told us that he'll be leaving the campaign. I consider him the best boss i ever had. He was able to bring out the best in us, not only regarding work but also in terms of how we interact and communicate with other people. He gave us responsibilities that helped us grow. He was the one responsible for the improvement that the campaign is experiencing now. He organized everything, increased the morale of all the people working for the campaign, and he earned the respect that he deserves from all of the people working under him. He is a great person. He treated each person as his friend and never let anyone down. I know for a fact that the people he's working with now, feels the same way we did, and i know that he will continue to touch lives wherever he may go. And these are some of the things that i will never forget.

The Power of Goodbye

I miss these moments. Sitting in front of the computer, listening to music, trying to think of what happened to me the past few days, weeks, months, or years even. For me, it's an unexplainable state. I feel like i'm bringing out some part of me that's been hidden for the longest time. I'm venting out emotions, and it feels damn good.

Tonight, i'm listening to Madonna's "Power of Goodbye", i just had the urge to play it while writing this blog, don't ask me why, im not sure. Maybe it's the solemn, intense beat, or maybe it's the lyrics... "learn to say goodbye", or who knows... maybe it's just Madonna.

Anyway, last week, I met this guy. I was talking to his close friend who just broke up with a long time boyfriend. He just appaered out of nowhere. He suddenly extended his hand and introduced himself. I was so wasted that night, but i still remember how he looked like, everything was so clear.We started this conversation. He was talkin about how he wanted to have a guy, and i was asking him what he wanted, i'm trying to get picture of the guy that he liked thinking that maybe, i could help him find one. After all the guessing, i kinda gave up. It seems that this guy didn't care about the physical side. Everything's fine with him long as he's nice. After that, I started teasing him, then all I remember is that his head is on my shoulder and one of my arms is around him...

To make the long story short, we have this wierd constant communication. i wanna see him again though, maybe one of these weekends...

I told myself this will be different. i'm saying goodbye to my old ways. I'm gonna enjoy every moment, i'll not think about it. I will go with the flow. No more sudden moves, no more surprises...

we'll see what will happen...