Solo

I'm not a huge fan of change. And right now I’m experiencing it. I'm not complaining though. Sometimes, you just have to have the courage to face the things that are coming your way. Last night, I went out... alone. I went to this club where they are celebrating single's night. It felt so weird because I didn't feel like dancing. Usually, when I enter the club and I see wasted people, different lights flashing, hear house music and feel the beat pounding my chest, I couldn't help but go to the dance floor and dance like there's no tomorrow. I call it "dancing my fears and troubles away". But last night was different. I don't know if it is because I was alone (but I always dance alone, my friends just stand at one corner and talk), or because at the back of my mind I’m thinking that I am single and I don't really want to be one.

I remember seeing this couple. They really look good together, and they were hugging and kissing while dancing. I just can't help but wish that I had a partner too. It's not that I’m desperate. I know that there are a lot of advantages of being single. Maybe it's just that I’m missing the feeling of having someone to take care of you and worry for you. Someone who would be there to listen to your problems or complaints. Someone whom you could count on no matter what happens. Someone who's not just a friend. Someone who loves you for who you are, no "but" and no "if".

All these things make me think. Do I really have to search for the right person? Or should I just wait? Which is the cliché? Because I’ve tried both and I’m still single... for five years now. I've dated a couple of guys along the way, but none of them worked out. I don't know if it's me, if it's the timing, if it's them? There are just too many factors that would determine what makes all the attempts fail.

The last guy that I dated said it was the wrong timing. But then everything was perfect at first. That’s the reason why we decided to try it out, to date each other. But the, after a couple of days, it was gone. So I guess it wasn't the timing after all. It should've been perfect if not for the things that I guess that scared the spark away.

Let's say it was the guy. Am I looking for the wrong guys? Do I have very high standards? One friend told me that I should stop dreaming. That I should face reality. But what about what I want? Should I just settle for something less? What should I look for then? If that's the case, then I wouldn't be happy with the one I’m with. I would just be pushing myself to do something that I don't want. Making yourself believe that you like someone. Then I would just be fooling myself and the other person as well.

I guess it all boils down to myself. I had been the person who felt that love plays an integral part in one's life, and I’m not being dramatic. That's just the way I feel. Maybe that's the reason why I’m coming up with these ideas, because I think about it too much. I feel that this is going to change soon. I feel the need to focus on something else. I'm not saying that it's not important; it's just that there are other things that need my attention too. Maybe it's time for me to focus on my career, or my family or something else. This change is going to be good. As I have said, I am not a big fan of change, but if it’s for the better, then I’ll accept it with open arms.
I feel that I’m growing emotionally. I'm slowly seeing a bigger picture. Life isn't always about love. Love's going to say goodbye to me for a while. I know that someday it will come back to me. Anyway, change will always be there. But then the faith will always be there. The faith that someday, I will look back and say... "This is worth the long wait."

Boss

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the people who touched your life in one way or another. I’ve always been the person who feels really bad when these things happen. For the past few days, even though I don’t want to, I had to say goodbye to some people who I’ve worked with. I know that I’ve established this connection with these people, but i have no choice. I'm just following orders. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but they felt the same way when I told them the news.

For the past month, I've worked with 9 great people. I became their confidant, their boss, and their consultant. It’s not just the work that made our bond strong, but also the friendship that we’ve established since the day that I introduced myself to them. I worked with them everyday. Step by step, I was able to bring out their full potential. And from being the team with the lowest stats, I was able to make the best out of them. We became the best team for the month of June.

Unfortunately, the next month, the Center Manager transferred me and Chai (supervisor) to a different account which according to them, needs our help. In other words, we have to leave our team and we can't do anything about it. This is the same thing that happened weeks ago, when our Operations Manager was transferred to a different account. I knew how my agents felt because I was in that same position when our boss told us that he'll be leaving the campaign. I consider him the best boss i ever had. He was able to bring out the best in us, not only regarding work but also in terms of how we interact and communicate with other people. He gave us responsibilities that helped us grow. He was the one responsible for the improvement that the campaign is experiencing now. He organized everything, increased the morale of all the people working for the campaign, and he earned the respect that he deserves from all of the people working under him. He is a great person. He treated each person as his friend and never let anyone down. I know for a fact that the people he's working with now, feels the same way we did, and i know that he will continue to touch lives wherever he may go. And these are some of the things that i will never forget.

The Power of Goodbye

I miss these moments. Sitting in front of the computer, listening to music, trying to think of what happened to me the past few days, weeks, months, or years even. For me, it's an unexplainable state. I feel like i'm bringing out some part of me that's been hidden for the longest time. I'm venting out emotions, and it feels damn good.

Tonight, i'm listening to Madonna's "Power of Goodbye", i just had the urge to play it while writing this blog, don't ask me why, im not sure. Maybe it's the solemn, intense beat, or maybe it's the lyrics... "learn to say goodbye", or who knows... maybe it's just Madonna.

Anyway, last week, I met this guy. I was talking to his close friend who just broke up with a long time boyfriend. He just appaered out of nowhere. He suddenly extended his hand and introduced himself. I was so wasted that night, but i still remember how he looked like, everything was so clear.We started this conversation. He was talkin about how he wanted to have a guy, and i was asking him what he wanted, i'm trying to get picture of the guy that he liked thinking that maybe, i could help him find one. After all the guessing, i kinda gave up. It seems that this guy didn't care about the physical side. Everything's fine with him long as he's nice. After that, I started teasing him, then all I remember is that his head is on my shoulder and one of my arms is around him...

To make the long story short, we have this wierd constant communication. i wanna see him again though, maybe one of these weekends...

I told myself this will be different. i'm saying goodbye to my old ways. I'm gonna enjoy every moment, i'll not think about it. I will go with the flow. No more sudden moves, no more surprises...

we'll see what will happen...

renaissance

it has been a long time since the last entry. i guess i was just waiting for a significant event to inspire me to start a new entry. here i am now, in front of my own computer in the office. yes, i do have a new job, and it's far more promising than the other ones that i have gone through in the past years... that is if everything goes well. i know that life is full of suprises, but i have faith in this path that i'm taking right now.

in a couple of weeks, i'll be staying in Clark, Pampanga. i was hired as a team leader for a campaign that will be transferred there. and i have no problem with that. i think i need to get away from the city. that's what i've been doing in the past few months... i went to Boracay, Baguio, Bataan, Puerto Galera thinking that i just need a break. but everytime i go back to Manila, problems start appearing everywhere... problems with money, family, friends, love, relationships, etc. i told myself this has to stop. fortunately, one of my best friends, Chai called me up. she told me that a company needed a team leader as soon as possible. i went to the office and after 3 days, i was already on the floor. i thank the heavens for letting me have a friend like her. we've known each other for the longest time, we've been in the same company a lot of times, (if she leaves a campaign, most of the time, i would leave too and apply with her in a different company, that's how close we are.), we share the same sentiments, we enjoy the company of each other... in other words, if we're together, we're a perfect fit.

i told myself before that i can't live in a place where there's no night life, but then, i realized i have to be practical. not that i'm having a hard time digesting the fact that i'll be leaving Manila, it's just that i never thoguht that i would accept an offer like this. i know for a fact that i'll be missing government, bed, cbtl, my friends, my family, etc... but then i felt that it will be better this way. in Clark, there won't be temptations to spend money (except for the casino and duty free, but i doubt that i'll be hooked. i don't find them really interesting), and at the same time, i would be able to take care of myself. 8 hours of sleep, 8 glasses of water everyday, constant exercise (i heard they had a swimming pool and a basketball court), etc. if i go back to manila, i should look better. :)

right now, i'm under the transition phase, i'm getting myself ready for the big changes that are coming. unlike the past changes, this one will be a good one.

irony

i don't know why, but i think my life's is like a complicated maze... if i don't get to the right exit, i have to go back and start all over again... and true enough, i'm back to where i started. some things happened that changed my life in an instant. i found myself back to where i was months ago. i thought i was on the right track. but apparently, i wasn't able to handle the irony. the wrong move was not to have a back up plan. now, it's too late... i have to start all over again.

my mind's messed up right now. things didn't go the way i wanted them to. i feel like i have no one to talk to, i feel so alone. after a close friend told me he needed space, i had no choice but to go back to my best friends, who i know that will always be there. i told them everything. what happened to my job, my friend, the people i used to hang out with a lot. they're somewhere behind the shadows, they're still there, but i just won't be able to see them for now. i feel so depressed.

it's a good thing i never lose hope. something tells me that again, for the nth time, i'll be able to stand up and move on.

this is enough. don't want to elaborate. i just have to stop and analyze everything before it's too late.

mistakes

after the trip to Baguio, i found myself in a state where everything is a mess. suddenly, i am not comfortable with how i'm living my life. i haven't paid my rent, haven't done the laundry, don't know where i'll be stayin next month... i'm back to complaining. there is a mistake made somewhere and i told myself i won't look back. i have to face what's ahead of me and not think about the past. i learned my lesson. no regrets...

on the other hand, since i was still able to make a solution to this mess, i'm taking things one step at a time. i know myself, i'll be able to get out of this. i've been through a lot of things in my life and i won't let these stuff pull me down.

i believe that it's the dreams that we have that makes us feel strong. believing that somehow, somewhere we will be able to reach the stars and say to the world that we've made it. it's having the courage to stand up everytime you fall, it's the passion of doing what you love to do, it's the desire to get what you've always wanted. life will never, ever, be perfect. you just have to live with that. no more complains from now on. accept things the way they are, do not expect anyone to help you, work things out, and move on. you just have to be strong. fuck what everyone says... it's your life.

just don't forget

never give up...

reading between the lines...

i was supposed to be on a bus to Baguio right now, but i ended up sitting in front of a computer reading the blog of a friend due to unexpected frustrating incidents. the one who invited me, my friend JP, is now sleeping in my pad waiting for the clock to strike 6am because that's the time the only available bus leaves.

anyway,

i gained a lot friends within the past month, and one of them is JP. i've been with him for almost 14 days now because of business, and we're even spending this weekend in Baguio. i consider him as one of my close friends because we've shared a lot of experiences together. i am thankful that he's there when i needed a shoulder to cry on and would always be glad to lend my shoulder to him, but then i feel that his best friend needs him more than i do now. while reading the blogs, i was touched by how a friend Wanggo misses his best friend JP. somehow i feel guilty because i was always hanging out with JP lately, but then i realize that it's just that i have the luxury of time and no one to spend it with other than him. i think that communictaion is important in any form of relationship and i know that they are not spending much time together than before, but like what i commented on Wanggo's blog, what they shared together is something that will stand the test of time. the friendship will always be there, no matter what happens. i believe that it's not the bad times with friends that people should remember, it should be the happy moments they shared together, it's not the absence but the times that they were there for each other, it's not the misunderstandings but the harmony they have everytime they're together.

i do respect their friendship and i wouldn't want to see it fall apart.

all of a sudden, i remembered my best friends, i haven't been seeing them that often now, but i know that through the years (almost 16 years) that we've known each other, absence won't be a factor that could change the way we feel for each other. we've been through thick and thin, and our bond will always be strong, strong enough to surpass any trials that will come our way. words would never be enough to explain how thankful i am that i have friends like them.

my friends are very important to me, they have been a part of who i am right now, and every lesson i learned, every tear i shed, every meaningful moment i shared with them will always be remembered.