The Past, the Present and the Future

I woke up too early today. I slept for only 3 hours, and considering the fact that I’m still taking medication for my vertigo (which doesn’t want to leave me) and my allergic rhinitis, my sleep was just like a power nap.

It was raining hard. The thunders made me open my eyes and check my laptop if it’s still connected to the phone line. Someone told me that if there’s lightning and thunder, you should unplug your computer from the phone socket just in case lighting strikes the line, your computer won’t get destroyed or something. I find it weird but, what the heck! I wouldn’t lose anything anyway if I do it. So I did what I was told. After that, I looked around the room and felt OC. I started cleaning and arranging my stuff. I found some stuff that came from my condo unit (I used to live alone in a condo near where I live now.) I found bills, cards, receipts, and all those paper. I started organizing all the important documents that I have. Browsing through them made me find out how much I’ve changed in the span of 1 year and a half. I used to run away from paying bills before, which is the reason why I still have a balance with my credit card, phone and gym. I also found letters from friends, notebooks which included the prices of the jewelry that I was making, how much I charge my client, pay slips from my previous work, pictures, etc. I was different before. I didn’t have plans; I always get into the same trouble, same sentiments, and same problems over and over again. My life’s a mess. The whole time I felt like I was bringing out skeletons in my closet. Maybe because we just came from a tragedy that time (our house was razed by fire, and everything that we have was lost. The only thing that we had left were the clothes that we’re wearing that time), but enough with that. We were all able to move on now. And I always believed that everything happens for a reason. No regrets. (I just miss my clothes and shoes!) Anyway, going back, yes, I had a tough past. (I haven’t written everything yet. It would be a very, very long story if I did. You can just ask my friends.) Even if it took me a hundred of falls before I learned, everything was worth it. I know that every trial made me stronger, those things made me who I am right now.

After finishing the chores, I told myself…

“You’ve come a long way. Don’t let things go back to the way it used to be.”

Currently, I have a stable job, not financially ok but coping (I can still pay my bills, thank God!), I can still buy most of the small things that I want, and also have my family and friends who support me, I should be ok. Although I’m working on my health now (I’m kinda sick now and I’m regularly going to the doctor for checkups), everything will fall into place… soon. All I have to remember is that today, I had a glance of what my past was… I don’t want to go back. I want a better life.

Wanting

After a night in a club, one whole day of traveling with one of my best friends, Joel, I found myself sitting in a bar with him, his boyfriend, Third, and another close friend Ron. One and a half bottles of beer and I could already feel the alcohol flowing through my veins … making me feel tipsy. It’s been a long time since I had a drinking session with friends. I miss it. We are talking about people we’ve dated that time. We were exchanging ideas on relationships and how one’s friends affect his choice of person to date. It should not really matter, but in some instances, it does, especially if there’s a strong urge to impress the people around you. Who wouldn’t want a perfect guy?

After a couple of minutes, the focus was on me. We were talking about this guy that I dated before and why I always talk about him. We dated for a month. Unfortunately we had to part ways. No regrets though. We are still in good terms, even chat once in a while in yahoo. At that time, I was thinking of the feeling of almost having the perfect guy. You find excitement and happiness with that person, and when it’s already gone, you start search for the same feeling again. The problem is that you start to compare. You meet a new guy. You find out that he’s completely the opposite. You look for another, and after finding one, again, you find differences. It would have been fine if it didn’t matter. You make yourself believe that it doesn’t matter, but at the end of the day, you realize that it does. If I’d be talking to someone who’s in this situation, I’d tell him: “It’s easy. Accept the fact that no one’s gonna be exactly like him, try to find the good things with the new guy and embrace his flaws.” I used to tell myself this. I was ok for a while. Single, had a couple of dates, but still single. It didn’t bother me until last night. Last night I faced the fact that it’s still him that I want.

Break Stuff

I just woke up an hour ago, ate breakfast, had coffee, and talked to my mom for a while about this coffee she’s selling. It’s an herbal coffee. She wanted me to help her sell it, and I will. Anyway, I work in an office where almost everyone drinks coffee, so might as well take advantage of it.

Yesterday, I went to PUP for the enrollment and as usual, Jason and I was not able to finish the process since there were a lot of students trying to get their stuff done and there’s only one girl trying to accommodate everyone. So after a couple of trips to the photocopying machine, we left our stuff with the girl and asked her if we could just come back tomorrow. She said yes, with a huge smile on her face. I guess it made her feel better since it’s almost lunch time. After that, we went straight to SM Sta. Mesa to watch X-Men 3. I don’t usually go there because it’s not accessible from where I live and/or I haven’t heard of any good stuff to look at in that mall. Since it’s the nearest movie house from where we were at that time, we decided to watch the movie there. We arrived at around 11:30am, bought tickets for the 12:40pm showing and ate lunch while waiting for the movie to start. While eating my lunch, I just realized that I’ve been awake for almost 20 hours already. I was thinking, after the movie, how in the world will I get enough rest for me to have the energy to go to work at 7:30pm? While walking, I was already trying to figure out an excuse of not going to work, or at least work half day. After a couple of minutes, I told myself I’m gonna deal with it later.

We’re done with lunch and also done smoking a cig at the Bingo area, so we walked our way to the movie house. It was enormous! Biggest I’ve seen so far. I think it can accommodate a thousand people. We bought the premiere seats thinking that we would get a better view, but when we got in, we sat on the front row thinking that it wouldn’t be that far but realized that it was still too distant. It felt like we were just watching the movie in front of huge television. So we went downstairs, and took the deluxe seats.

The movie was so nice! I love it! It made want to be a mutant; it would’ve been cool… The way you’ll use your powers and how people would admire you for the way you look… If I was a mutant, I’d definitely want to look weird. That’s why I love Halloween. It’s the only time you could wear anything you want and not look silly. It brings out the child in me. Anyway, enough with daydreaming, going back, I like the way the movie was made. The special effects were just awesome. The fight scenes were great and Iceman was so cute. :)

After the movie, we drove home talking about what the next marvel movie would be. We were saying something about how they should combine all the Marvel characters into one super-movie. Something like “MARVEL: The Movie”. I’d love to see the characters that I used to like when I was young; Banshee, Gambit, Silver Surfer, etc. with a superior director, good budget and fine actors and actresses, I bet it’s gonna be excellent.

Anyway, when I got home, I felt so tired. I’ve been up for almost 23 hours already, and I realized that if I go to work, I won’t be productive and I’ll just be abusing my body. On the other hand, if I don’t, what’s gonna happen to my campaign? So I decided to go to work at around 12mn, lunch time. I sent my boss a message that I was not feeling well, and that I’ll just try to go to work in the middle of the shift. I woke up at 11pm, just looked at my phone and saw that there were 4 missed calls and 5 new messages. One massage came from my boss, which kinda struck me:

“Gerds… I know you, you’re just feeling burnt out I’m sure… Do you know how important you are to the whole campaign… specially now? Gerds, this not the right time for your whatever, please?! Just think of what’s gonna happen to the whole campaign if you’re not there. I’ll see you later. Stay positive, no matter what happens. Take Care… Luvyah! –shuts”

I love my boss, not in a romantic way, but as a friend and as a good boss. She understands me. Unfortunately, I just feel like I’ve been working too hard. I need a break. When I come back, I’ll do better. I never failed her anyways. I don’t wanna sound boastful, but all the campaigns that are not earning were given to me. I picked them up from the dirt. When I work, I really work. I take things seriously. There’s a time for fun. When there’s improvement, we can have some fun, but I have to remind my people that we’re not yet there, so hold your horses; But when we reach the top, that’s the time to have fun. I work hard, but I party harder.

But then, there are some things at work that I find unfair. Instead of getting recognition for the good thing that you’ve done, you are asked to push for more. I mean, give me a break! It’s like I performed magic to revive a dying campaign and you want me to make it fly, now that it’s flying, you want me to make everything perfect, no time to relax. No time to enjoy your accomplishments. You’re given 7 monitoring sessions to finish everyday (the QAs only accomplish 4 everyday. That’s the average. And they don’t have to worry about any stats or agents, only the quality side, and the supervisors are required to accomplish at least 7 in a day, at the same time manage you 16 agents in one team and also the 20 agents in 1 campaign.), and you should continue to perk your people, update the stats, coach your people on a consistent manner, no cell phones on the floor, no eating, no slouching, sit up straight, NO ONE’S ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN ON THE FLOOR!!! Aaarrgh!!! Did you see any recognition there? NONE! And yes I am complaining. Why not quit? Don’t worry, I’m almost there.

So going back, I decided to bring out the devil in me and went back to sleep. I woke up after 14 hours of deep sleep. I guess it’s enough for now.

Something new

Last Saturday, I went to a team building with my agents in Century Imperial Hotel in Q.C. It’s something different from the other teams’ location for their trips. It’s usually a resort outside the city where they could drink and swim. I just thought that instead of traveling far, why not rent a cozy place in the city. We could also drink and swim there, and if we like, we could go out at night and check out the clubs near the area. It was pretty convenient, especially for me, since I live only a couple of blocks away from the building. If the team needs something for the house, I could just go home and get it. We had a great time.

I just realized that it has been quite a long time since I wrote here. A lot of stuff happened already. First thing that I’ll be talking about would be my fetish for Aussies. I’ve been chatting with a lot of cute Australians, and hoping that I could visit their country soon. I heard a lot about gay Aussies who like Asians, especially Filipinos, and it kinda made me wish that someday, I’d meet one. I like their accent and their features.

Two Sundays ago, I was chatting with this gorgeous Aussie. He had a handsome face and a perfect body. I was actually drooling over his pics. He told me that he’s a model there and sometimes visits the Philippines. He told me the places that he already visited here, which kinda convinced me that he’s not a fake. We had several sessions of chatting after that. I just hope that we could meet one of these days.

Last Sunday, I met up with my best friends. We were able to chat and catch up on things. I miss those times when we would usually meet up every weekend, have coffee, and go to a club at night and party. It was more of a routine that we had before. It felt like a sin if I won’t go out with them on weekends, but now, I can say that we’ve changed. We are more mature now. We don’t need to meet up every weekend, or talk on the phone everyday to assure ourselves that we have a strong bond. I know that our friendship will stand the test of time. We’ve been friends for 15 years now. It’s feels nice to know that the communication is still there, and nothing changes.

And now, I’m in a university in Manila, waiting for the enrollment to start. I took the exam for Bachelor of Science, Major in Broadcast Communication in the Open University, and I passed it. I just thought that I might need a degree. I am excited since I’ll be attending classes again and have classmates. My only wish is that my body would not fail me. Right now I’m so stressed at work already with all the pressure from my boss and all the monitoring forms that I have to accomplish everyday, even if it is not that effective. I have a lot of complaints at work, I try to voice it out, but I just feel like they don’t listen to my solution.

The rainy season's back

It has been a week of stress at work. After a week of relaxation, I should have known that I’ll be subject to pressure and challenges again. I gathered all the strength inside me and did my best to perform well at work. My plan was running smoothly when two guys at work made a perfect storm and ruined my week. The story’s too complicated for me to write it here but the point is what happened brought out the devil in me. Words have been said and it made a huge impact, I tried to resolve it, but it didn’t work. I have a silent relationship with one, and the other, I treat as an acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. The girl used to be my closest friend at work, but now, it’s as if she turned into one of the computers. I approach it when I have to, but I can leave it alone and just use the other stations at work. It thinks that I’m ok now, but after hearing what it has to say, I realized that its mind can store a lot of information but cannot really think the way humans do. It’s selfish. It won’t think of the emotion of humans, it would only consider what it thinks is right. I don’t have to explain things to it because it would not understand, what it thinks will always be the only thing that’s right. Humans have proven the flaws of the computer, but for the computer, it only does the things programmed to do, the only things that are right. It’s intelligent, but it’s still only a machine. It’s just a SIMPLE, BORING MACHINE.

The other one’s just stupid. I don’t have to say anything. Just plain STUPID.

The Island

I’m back to my normal routine. I’m in the office right now. Just finished my 1^st day at work after the long vacation. It’s been a long day. None of my agents are dialing, so we all stayed at the auditorium doing nothing… well, I conducted training for the upcoming campaign, but it only took around 1 and half hour, so the rest of the day was used for doing nothing. Somehow, I still have the hangover of my Boracay vacation. I remember the sand, the water, the sun, everything. All of that stuff sunk in me so bad that I wanted to go back and stay there for months, or even years. But then, I would have to save lots of money first before I could do that. The experience was never really enough, but I would settle for that for now. All I have to do is look at the pictures, listen to the music and remember.

We had a scary flight on our way to the island. The door was not properly shut so it made this deafening noise that scared the hell out of all the passengers. The good thing was nothing bad happened.

The first step on the soft white sand was unforgettable. It almost felt like the first time. I was welcomed by the island with open arms. I felt the wind blow softly on my skin, the waves sung in chorus and the sun was shining on me as if saying that it missed me. It was an unexplainable feeling. We walked towards the place where we are about to stay, and after sometime, realized that it was too far, my shirt was soaked wet with perspiration, so I took my shirt off. You could never do that in the city, especially with the ordinance that men cannot walk on the street without at least a shirt, you learn to endure the heat and the feeling that you want to take a shower right then and there. But in Boracay, It’s different. People are walking wearing only a pair of Speedos, bikinis or board shorts, which makes those people with good body an attraction.

We took a trike to D’Mall, where we met up with my best friend’s boyfriend. After that, we went straight to our place and relaxed for a while. After that moment, I knew that I could enjoy my stay in the island again. I changed clothes, put tanning lotion, went to the beach and praised the sun. It was perfect. The water was not that cold not hot. I remember writing about this; it was my comfort zone.

There were lots of people that time. It kinda made irritated and excited at the same time; irritated of the people who are too noisy that you can’t sleep while enjoying your sun bathing, excited because there are too many gorgeous people walking in front of you. It was scenic. Makes you think that you are really in a paradise.

Aside from all those stuff, the food was also luscious. We spent most of our budget eating in good restaurants. I remember us thinking of where we are going to eat dinner while we’re eating lunch. All the Pork Belly and Hawaiian Rice in Hawaiian Barbecue, the Pa-a and Bangus in Chicken Inasal, the Pasta and the Pork Chop in Fridays, the eat all you can in Mongolian Grill, the breakfast in True home, the Binagoongan and Paksiw in McSandro’s, everything was perfect. I think I gained weight after the vacation. My colleagues actually noticed.

At night, the beach was filled with the beat from the bars. After a couple of Rhum-Cokes, I tend to let go and just dance like there’s no tomorrow, or I enjoy the sound of the waves while walking along the shore on our way home. We never really met any cute guys, which sucks, but at least we had a great time enjoying everything else.

The whole stay was not enough, I guess the reason why most people decide to live there is because there’s never enough time there, but I have to stop. I wanted to write every detail of my days in the island, but I just decided to keep some to myself. A friend even told me that the Beach will always be there waiting for me, but for now I have to go back to this Urban Jungle. The next time I read this entry, I know that I would still remember. The stolen moments in my pictures and the music will always be there to help me remember.

Unwinding

Exactly 3pm when I started writing this. I’m lying down on a hammock beside my friend. And guess where we are… by the beach in Agno, Pangasinan. We’re not actually on the shore, but under a shed on a cliff. I’m facing Vietnam now. I can see the vast body of water, the waves created by the wind, and at the same time, feeling it blow through my skin while listening to music. It’s a perfect retreat. Everything is calm. There are no noisy kids, no other people except for us. It’s actually a private beach. And I’m not talking of a couple of meters long, but probably 30 kilometers of white, sun kissed sand. There’s a house in the middle, in front is a cliff where the shed (we call it tower because it has two levels) is built. Anyway, I told myself that this is my time to relax and forget about all the stress that I have been having for the past weeks. I deserve this.

We went swimming a while ago. I took pictures of the scenery. It was breathtaking. On the shore, it wasn’t actually pure sand. There were small pools of water formed by volcanic rocks. They were like Jacuzzis because the water was warm. Under the water were plants and a lot of black starfishes which were hiding inside the small holes. In the afternoon, we stayed on the formation were the waves meet the edge of the rocks. There was even this hole that shoots water when the big waves reach the edge. It was an exhilarating feeling. I was feeling a little nervous though because one big wave might pull me to the deep water ahead of us, and it’s kinda slippery because of the algae under my slippers. If that happens, I won’t really die of drowning because I know to swim, and I love swimming, but then, the strong waves could slam me to the sides of the rocks.

We continued walking further to the area where there’s place to really swim and not worry about any rock formation under us. The sun was scorching our backs, but it didn’t matter. When we reach the sandy area, we dropped our things on the sand and went to the water and started dipping our whole body under the warm water. The sand was not that fine compared to the ones in Boracay, but the color was nice. My friends started picking up shells for their aquariums at home while I just let my body float.

Eyes closed, moving my arms and legs slowly, I started to feel like nothing else matter. I forgot about all the stuff I have to do at work, my problems at home and my frustrations in life. Everything was so perfect at that moment. It took me a couple of minutes before I realize that the sun was burning my face already, so when I realized that I have to go back, I stood up, went to where my friends are lounging around, sat beside them and lit a cigarette. After one stick we started walking back to the cottage where we will be eating dinner.

It’s almost midnight. I stopped writing a while ago because we had to eat dinner. Yeah it took me a while to write a couple of paragraphs. I just couldn’t continue writing. The view was distracting me. Now I’m on the second floor of the tower. The full moon is shining above me. I could hear the loud splash of water below. The tide is high and the wind is blowing strong making the splash of water sound like thunder. I’m gonna rest for now tomorrow we’ll be goin back to the city. It’s a nice rest for me. I just wish I could stay longer.

The next day, we decided to go straight to Baguio instead, so we drove up to the cold city. The temperature was pretty low. We were wearing summer outfits when we went there, but then we realized we need jackets. It was so cold. We went shopping in ukayukays, then slept at my friends resthouse there. The next day, we went to Minesview park just to see the view. I didn't have enough money to buy stuff so I just took pictures.

Back to reality for now. I'm goin back to work.

Pictures were taken by me during the trip.