A Heart of Stone

I have a strong heart. It had gone through a lot of pain in the past and if it was something tangible, it would blend with the stones in a pile of gravel because of the dents and sctratches. No one would want to keep it based on its appearance. But behind the surface, it is a diamond, and it was beating for someone who is not seeing its true beauty.

When I fell for him, I was equipped with all the rules and guidelines to follow when dealing with relationships. The ultimate goal: to prove to the world that love is something that lasts, and each person should make every sacrifice to make the relationship work… committing to the bond that brought you guys together. For years, I did everything I felt right. I sacrificed my needs and wants for the relationship… for him; for the person I want to be with the rest of my life. I felt that he did the same thing too. For the years we were together, we knew there would be humps along the way, and we mastered the art of dealing with small misunderstandings. We accepted each other’s mistakes. It was so perfect that at the end of each argument, we talk as if nothing happened. We understood each other. Or so I thought. The truth is, there’s no book or rule out there that would put your heart on a safe place. You have to lay it out there and hope that someone would find it.

That’s what I did. I threw my heart and he found it. I thought he would want to keep it and take care of it forever, but last night he threw it away. It is now over. All my dreams of with him are now nightmares that haunt me. All the happy memories spent together are things I do not want to remember because they make me stop whatever I am doing, breakdown and cry.

I’m confused and hurt. I was wondering if every moment we spent together were built on lies. Every kiss, every hug, every sweet moment we spent together before we sleep, every “I love you” I got from him before I left the house, the times we held each other’s hand on every cab we took together, every night we laugh and tease each other, the list goes on. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs and ask “Why?”

He doesn’t know how much pain I am in right now. What makes it worse is he acts as if nothing happened, not a single tear shed for losing me. After everything I saw and felt, my mind still wanted to be strong for my friends and family, I wanted them to see that I am fine, but I can’t do this anymore. My heart is crushed. I thought I could prepare myself for every pain that would come my way, I actually thought of this exact scenario, I told myself that his lies won’t destroy my heart. I’ll turn a blind eye. My mind was convinced I could do it, my heart was not.

So now, I’ll leave the pages blank, I do not know what is ahead of me, all I know is that my heart is out there. I have to find the pieces and hope that someone would pick it up and take care of it.

You are One Hell of a Person

The past few days have been easier, except today. I just had 2 hours of sleep and although it's a Saturday, I'm still at work. I just started in the new office, and yes, they work 6 days a week here. It probably would've been better if I had enough sleep last night, i wouldn't be feeling stressed out and depressed again.

"I didn't flirt around, I just loved somebody..."

This was the status message that struck me. Insensitive motherfucker! Though I don't have a facebook account anymore, we have tons of common friends. Did he think that that message won't reach me? So what's his point? After telling me that he dated several people at the same time while he was in a relationship with me, he'll tell his friends that he didn't flirt around? What an imbecile. Well, we all know facebook... 'post whatever makes you interesting' so ok, he might have fooled several people, like the way he's telling them that he's straight. But just a reminder, there are a lot of people who knows the truth. (and c'mon... you? straight? ugh!)

You may have thrown away everything in an instant, but do not forget that you stepped on someone's foot, and there a huge karma coming your way... and sad to say it is not the good one. Laugh all you want, enjoy everything, flirt and fuck around, but at the end of the day you will still be reminded of what we had and what you did.

After a bad break up, I find myself looking at the mirror and see what's left of me. Nothing's changed aside from the added dark circles under my eyes, and the redness caused by crying for days. I left Manila to reflect and let go of all the negative vibes I got hoping that when I come back, I'll be a new person.

I would like to think that I feel better. I am actually exerting effort to do it. Every time I remember him, there's an alarm telling me to immediately think of something else. Unfortunately, we've been together for a long time. We've been everywhere, and each time I see each place, I am reminded of the last time I was there. I was reminded of who I was with him.

So who am I back then?

I was contented with what I had. I loved a person who was not treating me right, that's what people say. However, I can honestly say I was happy. I was generally happy with him. Though I got so used to it that everything seems like a routine, I can still say that I loved him.

He was not perfect, but I loved him for those imperfections. I made myself believe that he had his own way of showing his affections to me. He never showed any picture of us in Facebook because he said he was not out of the closet. On the other hand, everything in his facebook points to the fact that he is gay. I remember the time when I told a close friend of mine, "I could've had a perfect relationship only if he's proud of having me as a partner."

I don't know where this blog is going, my mind is tired of thinking of him. Maybe I still miss him...

Ok, I should stop now. Back to my goal. I'm gonna be fine. I'll be okay. I am blessed. I am happy and loved.