The Past, the Present and the Future

I woke up too early today. I slept for only 3 hours, and considering the fact that I’m still taking medication for my vertigo (which doesn’t want to leave me) and my allergic rhinitis, my sleep was just like a power nap.

It was raining hard. The thunders made me open my eyes and check my laptop if it’s still connected to the phone line. Someone told me that if there’s lightning and thunder, you should unplug your computer from the phone socket just in case lighting strikes the line, your computer won’t get destroyed or something. I find it weird but, what the heck! I wouldn’t lose anything anyway if I do it. So I did what I was told. After that, I looked around the room and felt OC. I started cleaning and arranging my stuff. I found some stuff that came from my condo unit (I used to live alone in a condo near where I live now.) I found bills, cards, receipts, and all those paper. I started organizing all the important documents that I have. Browsing through them made me find out how much I’ve changed in the span of 1 year and a half. I used to run away from paying bills before, which is the reason why I still have a balance with my credit card, phone and gym. I also found letters from friends, notebooks which included the prices of the jewelry that I was making, how much I charge my client, pay slips from my previous work, pictures, etc. I was different before. I didn’t have plans; I always get into the same trouble, same sentiments, and same problems over and over again. My life’s a mess. The whole time I felt like I was bringing out skeletons in my closet. Maybe because we just came from a tragedy that time (our house was razed by fire, and everything that we have was lost. The only thing that we had left were the clothes that we’re wearing that time), but enough with that. We were all able to move on now. And I always believed that everything happens for a reason. No regrets. (I just miss my clothes and shoes!) Anyway, going back, yes, I had a tough past. (I haven’t written everything yet. It would be a very, very long story if I did. You can just ask my friends.) Even if it took me a hundred of falls before I learned, everything was worth it. I know that every trial made me stronger, those things made me who I am right now.

After finishing the chores, I told myself…

“You’ve come a long way. Don’t let things go back to the way it used to be.”

Currently, I have a stable job, not financially ok but coping (I can still pay my bills, thank God!), I can still buy most of the small things that I want, and also have my family and friends who support me, I should be ok. Although I’m working on my health now (I’m kinda sick now and I’m regularly going to the doctor for checkups), everything will fall into place… soon. All I have to remember is that today, I had a glance of what my past was… I don’t want to go back. I want a better life.

Wanting

After a night in a club, one whole day of traveling with one of my best friends, Joel, I found myself sitting in a bar with him, his boyfriend, Third, and another close friend Ron. One and a half bottles of beer and I could already feel the alcohol flowing through my veins … making me feel tipsy. It’s been a long time since I had a drinking session with friends. I miss it. We are talking about people we’ve dated that time. We were exchanging ideas on relationships and how one’s friends affect his choice of person to date. It should not really matter, but in some instances, it does, especially if there’s a strong urge to impress the people around you. Who wouldn’t want a perfect guy?

After a couple of minutes, the focus was on me. We were talking about this guy that I dated before and why I always talk about him. We dated for a month. Unfortunately we had to part ways. No regrets though. We are still in good terms, even chat once in a while in yahoo. At that time, I was thinking of the feeling of almost having the perfect guy. You find excitement and happiness with that person, and when it’s already gone, you start search for the same feeling again. The problem is that you start to compare. You meet a new guy. You find out that he’s completely the opposite. You look for another, and after finding one, again, you find differences. It would have been fine if it didn’t matter. You make yourself believe that it doesn’t matter, but at the end of the day, you realize that it does. If I’d be talking to someone who’s in this situation, I’d tell him: “It’s easy. Accept the fact that no one’s gonna be exactly like him, try to find the good things with the new guy and embrace his flaws.” I used to tell myself this. I was ok for a while. Single, had a couple of dates, but still single. It didn’t bother me until last night. Last night I faced the fact that it’s still him that I want.