My Own Symphony

2012

2012-01-16T11:19:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to start blogging again last year, but I have been procrastinating as well, so now, while feeling lazy to go home from work (not that I like staying here), I decided to write a new post...

I should have posted before 2012 or at least a couple of days after the new year. My excuse: I'm part Chinese and it's almost Chinese New Year. (insert grin here)

Was looking over the net for a picture that would depict how excited I am that 2011's over and found this.

2012 will be a year of change for me. The last year fucked me up big time. Debts here and there, stress at work and family, emotional torments, etc. But I've learned my lessons and I am now a better person.

Happy New Year!!!

Things that I have...

2011-09-15T21:24:00.000+08:00

For the past few weeks, I have been saving pictures of stuff that I want to have. Tonight, I compiled them and made it my wallpaper. I know that someday, I'm gonna have these...

Changes

2011-02-04T13:22:00.002+08:00

The past weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It's my heart versus my mind. Again this is about the guy I've been seeing. He already told me that things aren't the same way as before and I could see and feel that. I just don't know how long I could put up with hanging out with him, wanting him, and him not reciprocating anymore. I feel like I've been pushing myself too hard. Although, I admit, no matter how fucked up this is, no matter how sad I am when I'm not with him, a part of me is still excited to see him, everyday. A glimpse of him makes things brighter, as if there's nothing wrong. I still do not understand until now how he got me. Maybe it's the way he looks, but I'm not superficial, and I already imagined that if he were not good looking, I'd still want to hang out with him. Maybe it's his character, though I already met other people of the same character, and if there was a moment for me to choose who to hang out with, I'd still choose him. I guess it's the combination of the things I see in him. Always making me smile, always being honest (though this isn't always true), the way he cares for his partner, the way he loves him and wants him. These are the things that I admire and at the same time, the things that hurts me. It's not that I couldn't take it, but every time I see him do things for his partner, the emptiness inside me makes its presence known.

It's all imagination for me now, just dreams. Dreams of what I'll do if we end up together, stuff that I'd do for him, things that I'd sacrifice. I wanna tell him take a chance on me, but if he doesn't want to, I can't force him. Right now, everything has been blurrier than ever, but I think I'm prepared. I can be his friend, though I would need a break before that happens, I'm still glad I met him. Can you imagine, out of all the people in Manila, out of all the guys I like and met, I became close to someone who I didn't even thought of dating. No matter how complicated things are, majority of me is happy that I met and learned things from him. I know that if we were not really meant for each other, I'd be hurt, I'd cry, but on the brighter side of things, he taught me things that would make me ready to meet the person I'm destined to be with, if he's still out there. 4 years of relationship and one great love should be enough.

If I could only have a chance to say everything I wanted to say without sounding mushy, or corny, majority of it would be thanking him. I may not be the one he fell for, I may not be the one he wanted to be with, but each moment we shared was worth the time and effort. I've learned a lot from this young man that I see things differently now. The only thing I couldn't learn is grabbing what you want. He was the person who always gets what he wants. I couldn't do that. I don't have the guts to do that.

I just realized, this has been the same scenario 7 years ago. Me dating someone, everything goes well at first then we end up friends. Maybe this is how things are. Some of us are meant to be happy alone. Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for love. I want the crazy head-over-heels love. But what if it doesn't come to me? Am I just gonna sit and sulk? I don't think so. I'm way better than that.

I think I'm ready to let go. Now that he's showing me that he's not into me anymore, now that he doesn't miss me the same way, now that I'm back to wanting something I couldn't have. I think everything's falling into the right place now. Now if I'm wrong, something is bound to happen. I just hope that he'd tell me, but either way, I'd still like to thank him for everything. It has been a great ride.

For now, back to my happy normal life, work hard, party harder!

Things I Hate

2010-12-13T18:52:00.001+08:00

I hate the way you walk towards me. It makes me hope that you’ll always look for me when you’re alone.
I hate it when you tease me. It adds up the memories I keep that make me miss you even more.
I hate the way you smile at me. It makes me weak and smile back no matter how bad I feel at that minute.
I hate it when you say you miss me. Those are simple words that make me hold on to something I do not see.
I hate the way you hug me tight. It keeps me up when I try to sleep at night.
I hate the way you make me feel secure. Coz I know that you could just disappear and leave me alone in the future.
I hate your surprises coz I know I’ll always be waiting for the next one day after day.
I hate it when you stare at me. You mesmerize me too much that I couldn’t think straight.
I hate it when you hold my hand. Coz when we part ways, I keep wishing that I still have yours on mine.
And worst thing I hate, is not hating you at all. All these things make me want you even more.

this is how I see things

2010-12-12T15:22:00.000+08:00

I lied. There aren't any other blog. I still write, but chose not to publish them because I'm afraid of misinterpretation. This time, I'll try make things as simple as possible and not care about what people will say.

I didn't think I'd like you this much. Not caring that you're not mine, not caring that I wouldn't see you everyday, all that matters is I have something to look forward to, and every time it happens, you never fail to make me smile. I'm tired of drama, I don't want to complicate things that are already complicated. I'm just enjoying the ride. Especially the few days we spent together.

Like what I told you when we first met, I am a hopeless romantic. I see things differently. Things that might be nothing to you could mean a lot to me.

Our 2 days in the island was memorable for me. I was so excited that even though I was tired from our trip in Tagaytay, I didn't have time to think about rest. I told myself, I might not have the chance to do this with you again so I'd just go for it. To tell you honestly, I'm not the type of person who would do that. I'd rather stay at home and rest if I'm really tired, but there's something in you that makes me break my routine.

The whole trip was all worth it. All I have are pigments of memories. You might have seen things differently, but this is how I see them.

I thought that night was perfect. We were alone in an island, the clouds paved way for the stars to shine above us, and the fireflies were dancing around us. The sound of the wind and the waves crashing against the walls of the islands blended with the silence. There was a harmony of tranquility, and for me it was romantic. We were in front of our tent on a cliff. Only the stars, the moon and the small fire from a lamp gave us light. It was dark but it was enough for me to see the beauty of your face. It was cold that night, but it didn't matter, you were beside me. Your eyes were gleaming, I didn't know if you noticed me staring, but something in you mesmerized me. When you talk, laugh and tease me, I forget that you are not mine.

In the morning, we rented a kayak, which scared me a bit because the plan was to go the other island. I love to swim, but I wouldn't have crossed the sea using that small boat without you. I guess my point is you give me courage to do things I want to accomplish but didn't have the strength to do so. Even if you think that I always argue, deep inside, I am impressed on how you pacify my thoughts and open my mind. You are more complex inside. No matter how simple things are to you, you still make my mind tick and try to understand where you're coming from. I know that sometimes, when you are alone, you think of things you don't want to tell me, trust me, I notice. And during those times, you also make me think. I just hope you trust me to listen to anything you are thinking of. No matter how bad or evil it is, I can handle it.

You made me see the world differently. You made me see things I didn't thought of before I met you. I don't know how you do it, but trust me, whether you know it or not, you have a huge effect on me. You are young but you've developed a different level of maturity that other people still do not have. There are still times when you're childish but those things add up to your charm.

Now we're back to how it used to be. Me sending messages, you most of the time not replying. Me wanting to see you and you making me think that you do not care at all. Sometimes I am almost convinced that I'm just one of your many conquests, and it's tiring. But when I think about it, what do I have that would make me a part of your conquests? A lot of people would want to go out on a date with you. More good-looking people with sexier bodies. Then why me? I asked you this question and you said you do not know. Again, something that makes me think. I just hope that I'm right to assume that you are not superficial.

When I'm about to give up, you'd do something that would make me hold on. Then that's the time that I'd tell myself I'm tired of drama. You make me happy, and that's what's important to me now. I was hoping that you'd be more sensitive and consistent, but on the other hand, this hope might complicate things even more, so I'll just take that back and be satisfied with what we have, whatever this is.

It's crazy that way.

Things I'll Never Say

2010-11-18T11:24:00.005+08:00

I'll just write everything here. Maybe one day you'll see it, maybe not. But what's important is that I'm able to express what's inside me, whether you figure it out or not.

NOTE: If you haven't seen anything that makes me turn you off big time, this might be it... this is my young teenager side. But who cares? I have nothing to lose. You're not mine anyway. :P

Here it goes...

I am always happy when I am with you. No matter how complicated things are, I always see the good side of what we have. I admit, sometimes it hurts to think that I do not have the right to ask you to see me anytime I want to, or sleep beside you every night, or wake up every morning and see your face, but it's fine rather than not seeing you at all.

I love everything about you. Since we met, I've been looking for something in you that would turn me off, but up until this moment, I haven't found any.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking pictures of you in my mind. Every now and then I see you smiling at me. Remember the first time I slept at your house? You were sleeping at the couch with him. When I was about to leave, I woke you guys up so you could transfer to your room. When you opened your eyes, you were smiling. I dunno if you were dreaming but I thought it was funny to see you wake up smiling when you always sleep with your eyebrows crossed like you're mad at someone.

Just the thought of you puckering your lips when you ask me to kiss you makes me ecstatic. Whether I'm at work or in the middle of a conversation with a friend over coffee, seeing that picture in my mind would never fail to make me smile.

Every time I see you make that semi-sad face, there's something inside me that makes me want to hug you. Remember when we were eating at Recipes when we said that we feel like we're like magnets? I feel that every time you make those weird facial expressions or every time I feel your skin against mine. Sometimes I couldn't help myself but hug and kiss you.

When you kiss my cheeks or put your chin on my shoulder, the butterflies in my stomach come to life. When we're walking side by side, and out of nowhere you put your arms around me, I melt. I feel like a teenager whenever you do those things.

There was this time when we were on the escalator in Trinoma, I was in front of you and you suddenly hugged me. People were staring at us but you didn't care... we didn't care. The whole time, I was wishing that the night won't end.

Most of the time, I wanted to call you or send you a message, but I hold back thinking that he might see it and might cause you trouble or you might not respond. You don't know how hard it is for me to hold back. But once I get a text from you, or I hear your voice when you call, I turn to a different person, someone who couldn't stop smiling. It's funny coz if I tell this to my friends, they'd laugh at me or raise an eyebrow or even tell me that's pathetic, but you know what, that's the truth and I don't want to lie to you.

I admire your honesty. You do not pretend to be a straight acting guy when you're with me, which is something that most people do nowadays. You have the guts to tell me the truth, even if you think that it would hurt me. Though I am still not sure up to this moment if you are really honest to me, or if everything is just game to you, I'd take it. All that matters to me now is that we're having fun.

I like it when you do whatever you wanna do, when you dance (especially when you danced waka waka, which I never saw again), show your feminine side, when you tell me that you're too lazy to take a shower, the way you say "anubayun" and "tuhmuh", when you put your fingers in the middle of my chest, when you put your hand on my legs when we take the cab, when you tease me, the list goes on. I could tell you a lot of things that I remember about you in the two weeks that we spent together, I pay attention to details, these are the things that I always cherish.

Right now, all I think of is being happy. Not caring about what other people would say. Besides, there's a reason why our paths crossed. There's a reason why out of all the people that night we met, out of all the guys who got my number, out of all the times I met different people, you're the one who's here now, the one who brightens my day. There's always a reason for everything, there must be something I have yet to learn out of this.

You also made me believe that age doesn't matter. Sometimes you make me feel that you are more mature than me. You are adventurous, free spirited, and no matter how much you deny it, you know what you want and you do everything to get it. You are a good person. I admire you for what you do. You live your dreams.

You're the person who makes me want to wake up every morning and face the day with a smile hoping that I'll see you again. The only person who made me comfortable in my own skin. Some one whose kiss I'd always want to have. Your smile is the first thing I want to see when I wake up everyday. The one who I never got tired of seeing, no matter how far you are, no matter how complicated this is. You are an amazing person.

I am taking this one as it is. I hold on to the changes that shift inside me and allow things to fall in to whatever place they're meant to be. I know that the odds are not on our side, but that's fine. I'm still glad you're here now, making me happy. I just hope that I'm truly making you happy as well. I do not want you to worry, I am fine the way things are. I know where I stand. But like what I asked you before, just tell me if things have to end. Don't just leave, have the courage to at least say goodbye. And if that time comes, I'll wish you well and thank you for the ride.

Dating 101

2010-11-03T14:01:00.003+08:00

Dating someone is not a part of my normal routine. I can't even remember the last time I dated, maybe because it's something I'm not good at. I don't even know what dating is nowadays.

Saturday night, I got an invite from a friend to go the a Halloween party. It was my birthday and I didn't have anything to do, so I said yes. We got there at around 1:00am, technically Sunday, October 31st. The place was packed, the line was 3 blocks long. The good thing was my friend had connections. :)

We went to one of the Korean places and saw some old friends. A couple of Sojus later, I was shirtless dancing. I was having so much fun (with the help of alcohol) that I just started flirting with other people there. After several introductions, I ended up with one of my old friends, N. He was with two other guys, one was with my friend, J, and other was alone, standing alone behind N. I was hugging N when I noticed him. I told him he's cute. I didn't have any intention of flirting with this guy. I just found him really mysterious and cute. The next thing I remember was that I was chatting with him already. We exchanged numbers and they left.

That morning, when I woke up, I was happy. I didn't think that I am capable of getting that much numbers that one night. It was a big ego boost, though, I honestly didn't have any plans of calling the guys. For me, that place was a playing ground, and I am not the type of person who would play around.

"I'm searching for u in facebook
Can't find u"

It was a text message from him. I told him I didn't have any so he asked me to make one.

After a couple of exchange of text messages, we ended up meeting that night to have dinner. We also played billiards (where he lost and gave up his shirt), sang in a videoke, had a couple of drinks in a bar and ended sleeping in my place.

Now, we're dating, but in a little more complicated situation than what you think.

A Heart of Stone

2010-10-26T21:47:00.000+08:00

I have a strong heart. It had gone through a lot of pain in the past and if it was something tangible, it would blend with the stones in a pile of gravel because of the dents and sctratches. No one would want to keep it based on its appearance. But behind the surface, it is a diamond, and it was beating for someone who is not seeing its true beauty.

When I fell for him, I was equipped with all the rules and guidelines to follow when dealing with relationships. The ultimate goal: to prove to the world that love is something that lasts, and each person should make every sacrifice to make the relationship work… committing to the bond that brought you guys together. For years, I did everything I felt right. I sacrificed my needs and wants for the relationship… for him; for the person I want to be with the rest of my life. I felt that he did the same thing too. For the years we were together, we knew there would be humps along the way, and we mastered the art of dealing with small misunderstandings. We accepted each other’s mistakes. It was so perfect that at the end of each argument, we talk as if nothing happened. We understood each other. Or so I thought. The truth is, there’s no book or rule out there that would put your heart on a safe place. You have to lay it out there and hope that someone would find it.

That’s what I did. I threw my heart and he found it. I thought he would want to keep it and take care of it forever, but last night he threw it away. It is now over. All my dreams of with him are now nightmares that haunt me. All the happy memories spent together are things I do not want to remember because they make me stop whatever I am doing, breakdown and cry.

I’m confused and hurt. I was wondering if every moment we spent together were built on lies. Every kiss, every hug, every sweet moment we spent together before we sleep, every “I love you” I got from him before I left the house, the times we held each other’s hand on every cab we took together, every night we laugh and tease each other, the list goes on. I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs and ask “Why?”

He doesn’t know how much pain I am in right now. What makes it worse is he acts as if nothing happened, not a single tear shed for losing me. After everything I saw and felt, my mind still wanted to be strong for my friends and family, I wanted them to see that I am fine, but I can’t do this anymore. My heart is crushed. I thought I could prepare myself for every pain that would come my way, I actually thought of this exact scenario, I told myself that his lies won’t destroy my heart. I’ll turn a blind eye. My mind was convinced I could do it, my heart was not.

So now, I’ll leave the pages blank, I do not know what is ahead of me, all I know is that my heart is out there. I have to find the pieces and hope that someone would pick it up and take care of it.

You are One Hell of a Person

2010-10-23T11:30:00.003+08:00

The past few days have been easier, except today. I just had 2 hours of sleep and although it's a Saturday, I'm still at work. I just started in the new office, and yes, they work 6 days a week here. It probably would've been better if I had enough sleep last night, i wouldn't be feeling stressed out and depressed again.

"I didn't flirt around, I just loved somebody..."

This was the status message that struck me. Insensitive motherfucker! Though I don't have a facebook account anymore, we have tons of common friends. Did he think that that message won't reach me? So what's his point? After telling me that he dated several people at the same time while he was in a relationship with me, he'll tell his friends that he didn't flirt around? What an imbecile. Well, we all know facebook... 'post whatever makes you interesting' so ok, he might have fooled several people, like the way he's telling them that he's straight. But just a reminder, there are a lot of people who knows the truth. (and c'mon... you? straight? ugh!)

You may have thrown away everything in an instant, but do not forget that you stepped on someone's foot, and there a huge karma coming your way... and sad to say it is not the good one. Laugh all you want, enjoy everything, flirt and fuck around, but at the end of the day you will still be reminded of what we had and what you did.

2010-10-19T18:36:00.003+08:00

After a bad break up, I find myself looking at the mirror and see what's left of me. Nothing's changed aside from the added dark circles under my eyes, and the redness caused by crying for days. I left Manila to reflect and let go of all the negative vibes I got hoping that when I come back, I'll be a new person.

I would like to think that I feel better. I am actually exerting effort to do it. Every time I remember him, there's an alarm telling me to immediately think of something else. Unfortunately, we've been together for a long time. We've been everywhere, and each time I see each place, I am reminded of the last time I was there. I was reminded of who I was with him.

So who am I back then?

I was contented with what I had. I loved a person who was not treating me right, that's what people say. However, I can honestly say I was happy. I was generally happy with him. Though I got so used to it that everything seems like a routine, I can still say that I loved him.

He was not perfect, but I loved him for those imperfections. I made myself believe that he had his own way of showing his affections to me. He never showed any picture of us in Facebook because he said he was not out of the closet. On the other hand, everything in his facebook points to the fact that he is gay. I remember the time when I told a close friend of mine, "I could've had a perfect relationship only if he's proud of having me as a partner."

I don't know where this blog is going, my mind is tired of thinking of him. Maybe I still miss him...

Ok, I should stop now. Back to my goal. I'm gonna be fine. I'll be okay. I am blessed. I am happy and loved.

A Heart of Stone

2010-09-21T00:06:00.001+08:00

Life in the Net

2010-09-01T16:50:00.007+08:00

"Twitter, Blogger, Tumblr, Facebook... Facebook is blocked here in my new office, Multiply is a marketplace... good thing there's Twitter, but wait, twitter.com won't open. Let's check Tweetdeck... there. I love tweetdeck!"

That's just me talking to myself while I was sitting in front of my laptop in my sorta new office in Makati. No facebook here... (unless you use your phone. :P)

With all the Social Networking sites out there (I don't even know if Tumblr and Blogger are considered as Social Networking sites!), I hate to admit it but, I'm a bit confused. Tweetdeck could've been the best way to update everything, but I also write blogs. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of short and sweet messages especially Twitter, but sometimes, I also love to write long essays about whatever. Facebook's out of the question because it's unaccessible here.

After hours of trying to figure out the best solution, I was left with one question, how will my Tumblr automatically feedits post to Blogger without using a link (like showing links instead of the actual post)?

My Photography

2010-08-24T03:15:00.008+08:00

This is the logo I will use for my photography. It's gdp which stands for Gerard Daduya Photography. I had my brother design and create this. Below is the design of my calling card:

Front:

Back:

Bloglovin

2010-08-23T23:59:00.002+08:00

Just saw a fun blog and realized how much I miss bloggin, so I decided to revive this blog and change the layout...

More updates coming soon...

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Playing with Street Fashion and Photography

2009-11-16T21:43:00.005+08:00

I promised my friends I would take pictures of them… after the session with the dentist, I met up with Corrine and Melai, had coffee at Starbucks and had what we call a “Playtime” shoot. This is something we were not prepared for, it just so happened that the camera, the clothes, the women and the idea was there at the right place and time.

In difficult times fashion is always outrageous.

Elsa Schiaparelli

One Lazy Afternoon

2009-11-16T21:23:00.002+08:00

It was a sunday... I was at work last night (came home at 11am), it's already 1:53pm and i couldn't sleep, i don't want to sleep because I have an appointment with my dentist at 3pm. I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling thinking of something to do. Nothing. My mind was probably so tired that it couldn't produce any idea. I stood up, went to our terrace and lit a cigarette. probably the nicotine shot a small amount of energy for my brain to work... I looked at the sky and saw the formation of clouds, trying to figure what shape i would see... still nothing. I was still bored so I just got my camera and took some shots.

Friends

2009-11-15T04:21:00.003+08:00

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."

Reinvention

2009-01-02T21:31:00.000+08:00

it's time for a change...

Hotel 626

2008-11-05T02:22:00.000+08:00

It's a flash site/game from a friend and it scared the hell out of me. If you're brave enough to try it out, make sure that you are in a dark room and you have a headset and mic on. (BTW it's only open from 6pm to 6am EST... I think...)

www.hotel626.com

and so it is

2008-10-10T22:13:00.000+08:00

Keep breathing…

That’s what I hear… hushed tone, husky voice. It sounded like the person who’s talking was pumped up but at the same time tired. I tried to figure out why, was he running? From what? It’s not just physical, it was something deeper than that. It is the same feeling when you try to reach for something you’ve always wanted, but every time you’re near your goal, you see something better and try to aim for it.

Do not stop…

This came from people who seem farther than the man. They want him not to stop pushing. It was the sound of cheering, but somehow it felt like pressure.

Just keep fighting…

It was the man again, this time he sounded like he was about to cry. He didn’t want to give up, maybe to please and not to disappoint the people around him.

Then there was a sound of silence, then tears…

The man was tired, tired of pushing. His mind was ready, but his body was not. The man had to stop, he just has to. He was waiting for someone to help him…

I realized it was me.

How bout a round of applause

2008-08-01T21:02:00.000+08:00

why say no to Gay Marriage...

2008-07-11T02:23:00.000+08:00

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Filipinos always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and annulment is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in The Philippines. (Don't you find it funny & amusing when religion claims they are the only way of life? LMFAO!)

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like the fact that we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

The sun is gone

2008-07-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

I was sitting by the beach, watching the sunset. I still remember the energy I had when the sun was still at its peak. I remember how beautiful things are. I saw every grain of sand, I saw my footprints, I could see everything. Now it’s dark, only a yellow lining is left shining in the horizon. The sun is gone. I am alone now in the freezing cold. But I’m still awake. Not a single hint of sleepiness, not even tiredness flowed through my body. Because of my despair of being left, I sought after following the sun, so I ran to the horizon, continued running until the cold water is up to my chest. That’s when I stopped and realized I have no where to go. I looked around; all I see are white lines that define the ripples on the water’s surface. That was it, the perfect state of misery, I knew I can’t do anything, the sun is leaving me.

Though my mind was saying I can make it until sunrise, my senses were not helping at all. Every wave of the sea struck my heart with brutal force causing my heart to ache in longing; all I hear are the waves that intensified the pain of each hit and the wind blew hard that every brush through my skin made me shiver in desolation. I felt so helpless. I wanted to shout… I wanted to cry… but all I did was look down, took a deep breathe, and told myself that everything’s gonna be fine. I stayed there for a few minutes, trying to let the hurt fade, but nothing changed. Memories are the only things stayed in me, and they exaggerated the pain I felt. Suddenly a tear fell from my eye. I wiped it away using my finger and felt its warmth. The warmth came from the sun I thought, it was the source of my energy, now that it’s gone, what’s gonna happen to me? Will I die before sunrise?

I saw my hands clench. All the things I felt, helped me release the burden. Now, tears are flowing, I was crying so bad that I could hardly breathe. I mustered all the strength left in me as I took a deep breath, opened my mouth and shouted at the top of my lungs. It was the resonance of sorrow. I shouted several times, hoping that the sun would hear me. I heard echoes of the words that came from my mouth…

Why?

How could you do this to me?

We made a promise…

I want you back…

Please don’t leave me…

I wanted to drown right there and then for the sun has already left me, but I know it’s not right. After the outcry, I was left there, hands on my face, tears flowing relentlessly… then I whispered… “Give me back my heart…”

I've got to tell you in my loudest tones

2008-06-27T13:21:00.000+08:00

I can't help it... I just need to let it out...

I’m turning my back to face something that is about to leave... hoping that I’ll be able to bring back what used to be there, a bright sun which blinded me from seeing its true beauty. Now that it’s leaving, I'm praying that tomorrow will be the same again and that while the moon is above me, I’ll be asleep for me not to feel the pain of waiting anxiously for its return. And when it rises it will come from behind me for I’m facing the end of what we used to encompass, I would not make the same mistake and turn around again, I would reside and just feel the warmth of its glorious rays. And as it moves above me I would cherish every moment and hope that I’d die, so all I would remember is the peak of the sun’s heat that burned my emotions. What I will leave is a gleaming light that all will remember as the love which everyone desired.

Stuff People Do

2008-06-25T01:54:00.000+08:00

Statistically speaking, unless you are a total hermit, a social retard, or ugly as a putrid bum, there is at least one person in your multiply network that has a crush on, wants to date you, wants to sleep with you or simply just wants to kiss you. So... let's play "No Guts, No Glory!"

The rules are simple.

If you want to date the person who posted this, send a Personal Message, not a reply to this post, saying "Coffee?"
If you have a crush on the person who posted this, send a Personal Message saying"You're hot!"
If you just want to sleep with them & stay friends, send them a message that says "Nice shoes!"
If you simply just want to kiss the person who posted this, send a Personal Message saying, "I do!"

SCARED?

The only rule is that, you must not make anyone who sends you a personal message feel stupid for feeling that way about you. Acknowledge. Say thank you. Move on.

IF YOU'VE READ THIS, YOU HAVE TO REPOST THIS, EVEN IF YOU'RE TAKEN & see who replies.

SO... re-post this as "No Guts, No Glory", as it doesn't matter if you're married, in a relationship, or single.

You opened it so you HAVE to repost it! A test of your bravery!

Blackout

2008-06-17T23:21:00.000+08:00

An event empowering the society to promote equality. A collaboration of young individuals using tools of creativity to raise awareness and catalyze action around critical issues that impact our communities. The team believes in the power of this creative process to transform lives building a more just society.

No Glam. No Fluff. Just You.

Stupified

2008-06-13T03:27:00.000+08:00

There are some people who are just so pretentious that they don’t even know which is reality and which is fantasy. I’m saying this because there’s someone out there pretending to be a sheep around the group I’m in when all the fur in his feet and arms resembles a wolf, worst is he smells like a stinking predator trying to infiltrate a group of innocent beings. Fortunately, my friends find you fascinating. They find your coat so perfect, they don’t know that it’s made of synthetic plastic made to attract even the smallest insect due to its illumining shine. Unfortunate for you, I am here, I can see through your mask. My eyes are open and I can see every detail of your true revolting skin, I can smell you tainted odor, I feel your brooding presence. Keep on pretending and hope your cloak won’t be worn to shreds, for when it happens, the world you live in will be shattered into pieces and you will see the horrendous reality that you have created yourself. Be nice wolf, a hunter is just here, watching your every move.

i can't take my mind off you

2008-05-21T03:38:00.000+08:00

The Blower

And so it is, just like I hoped it would be, life goes easy on me most of the time. And so it is, the shorter story, no love, no glory, a hero in his eyes. I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my mind off you. And so it is, just like they said it should be, we'll both just feel the breeze, most of the time. And so it is, the colder water, the blower's daughter, the pupil in denial. I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my mind off you.

Did I say that I love you?
Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you.

The Scientist

2008-05-16T17:43:00.000+08:00

Come up to meet you, tell you Im sorry, you dont know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions oh lets go back to the start. Running in circles, coming up tails, heads on a silence apart. Nobody said it was easy oh its such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said that it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling your puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart. Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh and I rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are. Nobody said it was easy, oh its such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard,… im going back to the start.

Warning Sign

2008-05-16T00:53:00.000+08:00

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A warning sign, I missed the good part then I realized, I started looking and the bubble burst. I started looking for excuses. Come on in, I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in, I've got to tell you in my loudest tones, That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah the truth is that I miss you so.

A warning sign, you came back to haunt me and I realized, that you were an island and I passed you by, you were an island to discover. Come on in, I've got to tell you what state I'm in, I've got to tell you in my loudest tones, That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah the truth is that I miss you so.

And I'm tired; I should not have let you go. So I crawl back into your open arms. Yes, I crawl back into your open arms. And I crawl back into your open arms. Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

Thank You

2008-05-10T02:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you meet people who you thought are just so talented, amazing and unreachable that you forget that those people are also human beings who have their weaknesses which makes them normal, like us. You might not realize it immediately but after some time of knowing this person, you just slowly understand the beauty in these people’s lives.

I was not pertaining to weaknesses as something negative, I was thinking actually of a word that would describe a normal person who had an effect to the people around them... just a normal human being who has the skill to touch people’s lives and make them see things that they never thought possible. I am talking about someone I look up to, someone who I think is so amazing when it comes to the field that I love most… photography.

I met Ash through multiply and was really stunned by the photos he took. I’ve always thought that this person is so talented; I’ve never seen pictures where the subjects pop-out. Well there’s Niccolo Cosme, but that’s another story. Every time I log in to multiply, I always check his site if he has new pictures uploaded. I never felt tired of looking at his photos and try to analyze how he does that. At the back of my mind, I was saying I hope I could create a photo like this someday. After sometime, he asked me to assist him in a photo shoot in Tagaytay, I was shocked, coz I never thought he would ask me to help him and out of all his friends in multiply, I was wondering why he asked me. And that question, is still left hanging until now.

The shoot was amazing. I’ve felt so satisfied with what I was learning. Photography is my passion and that was the first time I attended a photo shoot, and the fact that Ash was there was something. I can honestly say that that day was one of the most meaningful days in my life. I saw a person who I look up to while he’s working. I thought all the things I know about him was enough to look up to him, but working with him, hearing his reactions, advices, complaints and all made me look up to him more. No pretensions. He would say he’s tired if is tired, he would say I don’t’ like this, I don’t like that, ha would bitch sometime, he would make small mistakes, etc. He was just a normal person like every one of us, the only difference is he has an amazing talent and knows how to use it and remained humble. That day, he helped me see my goals, something he might not know, but really, he made me realize what I really want. I’ve never met someone like him before and now that we’re friends, all I can say is Thank You.

Something i've always wanted

2008-04-26T02:05:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to get a tattoo. At first it was for aesthetic reasons but as I mature, I wanted to get a mark that would signify a part of me that is not seen by the naked eye but felt by the people around me. It needs to be empowering for me. The only problem is I don’t know what design will I get and where to put it. I saw this picture and it gave an idea of how I want mine to look like. I wonder how many days will it take for me to get a tattoo that huge and how much will it cost me…

Losing something you never had

2008-04-15T02:56:00.000+08:00

I’m lost. I don’t know how to react to the feeling of losing something that you thought you will have. I tried telling myself that I do not have the right to complain because I cannot lose something I never had, but then, why am I so damaged with what happened? I told myself that I won’t expect, and I felt that I was not expecting, but now that found out that I won’t get what I’ve always wanted, I realized that my desire for this thing was so big and it had a huge effect on me.

How is it possible for someone not to expect if you have invested a lot and was led to believe that you can get what you want? How could something so simple become so complicated when all cards are laid? Is it human nature to aspire for something and be devastated in the end when things do not happen their way? Is there anyway to avoid this trap?

On the other hand, should I fight for it? Should I pursue something that I already know is gone? Things are getting so complicated as I mature. I used to be the person who just takes whatever comes my way, but now that there’s an element of aspiration; simplicity gets blurred out of the picture. The picture I see now is filled with shadows, dark pigments of hurt that haunts me. I thought everything was clear at first. I thought that light would make the picture clear and simple, and it did, but the thing is it also created shadows.

Writing this on a positive note was my objective, but it turns out that my emotions get in the way. On the other hand, maybe it helped because my only purpose in writing this is to get stuff out of my chest.

To those who ended up with nothing but Memories

2008-03-18T20:51:00.000+08:00

I just watched the video I posted earlier wondering who made it. It must be the sweetest and most meaningful message. I’ve been in the person’s situation, wanting someone so bad, sharing good memories with him, and in the end you just become friends because he can only offer friendship. It sucks, big time, and the video created an almost perfect picture of how it feels to be in the situation. I included the message below for the people who don’t want to watch the video. And to the one who made it, I’m sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted, but don’t worry, you are not alone. J

“One of the reasons why people get so sentimental is because memories are the only things that don’t change… when everything else does. There are things in life that you can’t hold on forever, no matter how much you fight for it. Sometimes destiny isn’t always good, it becomes playful. When you met someone you learned to love, you thought that it was destiny that made your paths cross. But what if making your paths cross is just a part of the game that the playful destiny creates? Making you realize in the end that the person you thought that was destined for you wasn’t really meant to stay… but only destined to make you feel love and leave you when you’ve already fallen. It’s not easy to state a reason when you decide to leave your love. Some might think it’s just an excuse… some might not actually believe it… some might even be mad at you… what they don’t see is the fact that it hurts to hurt someone who doesn’t deserve to be hurt… especially when you can’t actually state the reason why you have to leave. You can never own something that was never yours, so let’s stop gripping on things we expect to last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. Everything is transitory. So while you have something in your hand, keep in mind that it was just borrowed, so that someday when it’s gone, it won’t take you eternity just to let it go. When your feelings get strong for someone, it’s always wise to stop a while and give your heart a time to breathe. A time to use your mind to weigh the situation based on reason not on emotion, because the saddest thing that can happen is when one fall in love while the other wants nothing more than friendship.

Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be an illusion. There are times when I wish that I was limited to certain emotions, so that I’ll never have to experience pain, never feel betrayed or disappointed, and never get my fragile heart broken. But the same thing means that I’ll never know how it feels to love and be loved in return… the thought of it scares me. To have heart that’s whole but numb or a heart that’s broken but real. Someday, we’ll be all be looking back to those days we learned to love, cry, and fight. Maybe when that time comes, we’ll be laughing at our old dumb selves realizing how stupid we were to stand up for things we knew weren’t really meant for us. But I guess learning takes time, and mistakes make one’s journey fun. Life is what we make it. Love makes the world go round, so let’s live, love, and take whatever pain it brings, though it’s hard to wait around for something that I know will never happen, it’s harder to stop when I know it’s everything I’ve always wanted. But you know what? I’m glad, I’m glad it happened...”

I'll get over this

2008-03-14T01:15:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had a phase in your life where you feel that everything is a mess? Have you ever felt so alone that you want to cry but there’s just not a single tear coming out of your eyes? Have you ever been so tired of waking up and not look forward to anything that will happen for the day? Have you ever wished for a miracle so bad that almost every hour you day dream of the time it will some true? These are the things that I’m going through right now. I feel so bad. I just can’t explain how depressing my state is right now.

One last Goodbye to my Ex

2008-02-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

Last night, when I was about to go home, I got a message from my ex saying that he misses me and hopes that I’m fine. Since I was near where he was, I suddenly asked if he wants to meet up. I was thinking then of finally having closure with him. It’s been four months since the day we broke up and I know I was ready to face him. I told him to meet me in front of Starbucks. After a few minutes, I saw him walking towards me and suddenly, he approached me and hugged me. He whispered “I miss you so much.” I was not ready for that. I just gave him a pat in the back and asked him if he wants to grab a beer or something. We went to one of the taverns in the area and started talking about stuff that happened to both of us the past month. Out of nowhere, he asked me if I still love him. I said I don’t know, then that’s when he started crying. He told me that he needs me and that he wants me back. I was not ready for that kind of conversation because I know that I already moved on. I just told him that he’s gonna be ok, that humans have a great capability to heal, and sorry but he won’t get what he wants from me. I wanted us to be ok. I wanted closure, but what was happening that time isn’t what I anticipated. He couldn’t stop crying so I explained to him what was in my mind. I told him that we have our differences. I thought I couldn’t live without him before but after spending time alone, I realized that there are a lot of things in life that I should focus on. I cracked a joke, that’s when he started laughing. The rest of the night was different from that point on. I thought we were finally getting closure until the time that I was about to go home. I don’t know what came to him but he started hugging me and was insisting that he’ll take me home. I didn’t want him to. We were along the road with all the people and cars passing by and it almost came to a point where I shouted at him. It was crazy. I couldn’t do anything else, so I told him to calm down and listen to me. I said there will be a time that he would just look back on all these things that are happening and just smile. I said sorry, but I do not see any reason for us to be together, maybe when we see each other by the time that both of us moved on, we could be friends and possibly start something from there. But now I don’t really see that happening. After a couple of minutes, I left him there, crying. It broke my heart, but I know that it’s the right thing to do.

What we had is something I will treasure forever. I will never regret the time, the pain, the tears, the smile, the laughter, and the stress, everything that we shared. He made me who I am right now, and I am thankful for that. It’s sad that we parted ways but we should learn to celebrate what we have now. Like what I said in one of my posts last year, life is not like fairytales where stories have a happy ending, life is meaner… but when you think of it, it’s what makes life beautiful. If everything’s perfect then we wouldn’t need our friends, our family or anyone to share our lives with. Life would be boring that way. What I know is that pain is there to make us learn and realize that there are a lot of things in life we should appreciate other than the things that we aim for.

When I got home, I got a message from him admitting that I have a point and that he wishes me well. I said thank you and goodbye.

What Am I Suppose to Do?

2008-02-18T01:28:00.000+08:00

I know how hard it is to deal with issues of the heart, and the fact that I’m not straight adds-up to the trouble. Unlike straight people, there’s an unwritten rule that men should be the one to court girls, but for us, it’s more complicated. How would you know if you’re supposed to make the first move or when is it ok to ask someone out? The Charmer is not a huge fan of replying to my messages which is the reason why things get difficult for me. I don’t know if he intends not to reply or if he’s really busy. However, whenever I get a message from him, he makes it a point to remind and tell me that he wants to meet me again and likes hearing from me; it’s just that he doesn’t have time. Isn’t it right to think that if you like a person, you’ll make time for him? Or this only applies to people who have the luxury of time? Now, I’m afraid to send him messages because he might get tired of my texts. Yesterday, I just sent him one message for the whole day at around 10pm and his reply was that he missed my messages. How crazy is that? Whenever I send him massages, it’s either I won’t get a response or it takes him years to reply but when I don’t he’ll tell me he misses my messages. Does that mean I should just send him messages and just wish that he’ll reply? The funny thing is that he knows that me waiting for his reply is kind of frustrating. I told him this the last time we’re together and he said sorry and that he’ll try his best to do better next time. Lately, his messages usually start with “sorry for the late response…” and surprisingly I still get some kind of relief whenever I get this but the problem is the thought that he won’t be replying next time.

Now my question is what the hell is the reason why he does that? When should I ask him what he is really into? Does he see friendship in me or what? Everything points to the idea that he likes me… what his friend tells me, his messages, our date… but when we’re not together, everything gets too complex.

One possible reason I can think of, is that I’m not that important to him. If that’s so, what will I do to change this knowing the fact that it’s so damn hard to communicate and to schedule a meet up with him? I badly need to know what in particular I should do. No more, go with the flow, one step at a time, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my friends’ advice, but this time I would probably need to figure out something to do to turn the table around. Really, this is getting too wearisome for me. I badly want the Charmer, but I just don’t know what to do.

I'm so Confused

2008-02-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

This is a really crazy entry, but I know for a fact that a lot of people go through the same situation.

HEART: A sudden wave of depression passed by me as I was walking on my way home from the gym. Last night was surreal. I didn’t think that something so wonderful could happen to me again. Yes, I had an official date with the Charmer, and what he offered me changed the whole game. I saw him in a different light. He was a person who is so dedicated to his goals and is not in the circuit. I saw the depth of his personality in one night, something that is hard to achieve. There are a lot of exchange of stories, statements and beliefs, but what’s important in the end is how we reacted to the whole thing. We both enjoyed the night and felt the connection. As corny as it may sound, especially to those who abhor Valentine’s Day, we like each other’s company. Until now, we are still exchanging messages, but what he doesn’t know is that I feel scared of what’s gonna happen next. I’m afraid to invest emotions because of the fear of going through all the pain that comes with it. It’s so easy to say that people should take the risk, but what I went through in my past relationship was so bad that I still remember how hurt I was then. Aside from this, there’s also to think that he might be thinking of the same thing. Worse, he might not be over his ex. That would definitely complicate things.

MIND: On the other hand, this game we started is becoming grueling. I just took the next step and now, I’m tired and don’t know what to do next. I’m starting to lose coz I feel like I’m starting to really like him. But a part of me is saying I’m not yet ready to give up that easily. I told myself that I’m gonna give this my best shot. But come to think of it, he already gave signs that I won, but he might be bluffing. I couldn’t let my guard down, not now. But what if he’s actually just waiting for me to do that and he would do the same. It would then be a draw then. It would’ve been perfect that way, unfortunately, I wouldn’t really know for now. All I can say is that I’m at the losing end. I definitely lost yesterday, he got me there. But the game is not yet over.

30 hours straight

2008-02-04T00:39:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 3:00pm on Friday, and when I wrote my previous post, I was thinking that I’ll be sleeping like a baby, but when I went to bed, my mind was so awake thinking of the things I’m gonna be packing. I felt so restless. I went downstairs to drink water several times before deciding to forget about sleeping and just do the packing. I took out my bags and started folding my clothes so that it won’t take too much space. After that, I took my socks, towels, toiletries, Jeans, etc. My mind was working so hard that my body would not know which item to get first, toothbrush or CDs? Books or bedsheets? I guess I was a bit excited to have my own place again. I started packing at 4:30am and finished at 8:00am. I had to meet up with Nyl to get the keys for duplication at around 8:15am so I made packing as fast as I could. Of course, with the help of my ever reliable cousin, we met up with Nyl, took the keys, went to the house to plan on how we’ll be cleaning it first, and then determine what we need to buy. After that, we duplicated the keys, bought some cleaning equipment, and waited for Jason (I asked for his help since he has a van and all my stuff would fit in it.) to pick us up. He got to our house at around 12pm, and then took us to the place where I’ll be moving to. It’s relatively near my folks. The succeeding hours are grueling. We scrubbed the walls, the tiles, the floor… we scrubbed everything just to make it look clean. We finished part of the job at around 6:00pm and stopped since we don’t have sandpaper to remove the water stains on the bathroom tiles. When the owner, saw what we did, he was shocked. The tiles that used to be grayish black turned white, the cluttered dirty kitchen was clean and organized, and the room that used to be dusty and dark was as good as new. All of that in 6 hours, and we’re not yet done. We’ll resume later with the finishing touches. Hahah!

After taking a shower at around 9:00pm, I tried to check some stuff in my computer but my eyes felt so tired and fell asleep with the iTunes playing rock songs. I was so tired that the load music didn’t bother me at all. I was 30 hours awake and accomplished tons of stuff with the help of my cousin Elfi. And just for the record, she never fails to amaze me with her hard work and kindness to me. That’s something I’ll be cherishing for a very, very long time. I remember when she first came to Manila (she’s originally from the province), she was so sweet, prim and proper, innocent and shy. After years of staying in our house and having me as a mentor, now, she’s so funny, can be loud sometimes, could easily get along with my friends (who knows her so well too), and I’m proud to say that she can now bitch at some stuff as well. Hahah! She got that from me! I’m a proud cousin!

About the Game

Create a False Sense of Security-Approach Indirectly

I wanted the Charmer to feel comfortable with me. All my replies were constructed in a way that he would think that I’m just after friendship. And for the past 2 days, he’s been sending more messages, making his presence felt. A while, ago, he asked me where I was at, I said I was in a coffee shop. He said meet up with me after finishing his drinking session with colleagues. I said ok, just text me. Unfortunately, the shop already closed, but I didn’t get any message from him, so I decided to go home. I told him that the place was closed already, didn’t say that we could just meet up next time, or something that would make him think that we can’t meet anymore, because I do want to talk to him and know more about him. I know that I’m missing the first critical technique here, but what can I do? The Charmer got his own game plan. I could have the upper hand here thinking that he’s falling to my bait, but on the other hand, maybe the reason why we haven’t really talked much is because he has his own tricks up his sleeves.

I just woke up hours ago (yes, I know that my body clock’s f*cked up right now), so when he asks if we could still hang out, I could still say yes. But I’m not waiting for him though; it’ll just make me over analyze things again. We’ll see what will happen later.

Another Renaissance

2008-02-01T02:05:00.000+08:00

I will be going through a lot; I know this for a fact. I’ll be moving out of my parent’s place tomorrow. For the past weeks, I have been thinking on living an independent life. Life has been easy for me with my family around. I got used to having people’s help anytime. Not that I’m complaining, I’m thankful for having my family’s support, it’s just that I’m afraid that I won’t be able to live normally without them when there’s an urgent need to. I have to start getting used to it now. So I talked to one of my friends, and luckily, they have a spare room. The place where I’ll be staying isn’t that far from my folks. It’s also accessible to a lot of places, like the gym, MRT station, restaurants, 24-hour convenience stores, coffee shops, etc. so I don’t think adjusting won’t be that hard, especially living with some of my close friends (though they’re not in the house that often). I’m gonna be packing my stuff in a while, of course I have to bring with me five of the most important gadgets I have (which are all colored black by the way, I just love the color). I told myself before that the 5 gadgets that I need and want would be, first, a mobile phone. Mine’s Nokia 6300 which is so user friendly and slim. It’s the best basic phone I’ve seen. Also, since I love music, I have an iPod, a 4GB Nano which plays videos as well, so it’s cool. Fourth is my laptop, which is almost a necessity nowadays, I have an old ASUS A3000, which contains all the important documents I need, including back up copies of my blog entries. I also have a slim PSP, which is there when I’m bored and when I need to surf without having to bring my laptop. The last one took me years before actually getting one. I love taking pictures, and it was hard for me to determine what kind of model to buy for a digital camera. Fortunately, I was able to decide this afternoon, and bought a Canon Powershot G9. I still have a lot to learn in order to use it effectively, and I’m not really in hurry, so I just decided to finish studying CSS/HTML first.

I have already set goals for myself, and I guess I’m on the right track. I’ve been telling my subordinates at work that the most important thing in a company is that the employees are happy with what they’re doing because that will give them the motivation they need to perform well. It’s hard to assign duties to people who don’t really like what they’re doing. The output won’t be as remarkable, or worse, they won’t be productive at all. The good thing is I already know what I want, and know that this would be something I won’t get tired of doing. Hopefully, I’d be successful in the field.

About the Game

The Techniques

I have to correct myself. My previous blog states that there are steps in seducing a person. After some reading, I found out that those are actually techniques. The first one I discussed is the most important, but as I understand it the rest doesn’t have to come in order. So here are all the techniques (they might sound weird, but the explanation in the book justifies the title):

1 Choose the Right Victim (the absolutely critical first step)

2 Create a False Sense of Security-Approach Indirectly

3 Send Mixed Signals

4 Appear to Be an Object of Desire-Create Triangles

5 Create a Need-Stir Anxiety and Discontent

6 Master the Art of Insinuation

7 Enter Their Spirit

8 Create Temptation

9 Keep Them in Suspense-What Comes Next?

10 Use the Demonic Power of Words to Sow Confusion

11 Pay Attention to Detail

12 Poeticize Your Presence

13 Disarm Through Strategic Weakness and Vulnerability

14 Confuse Desire and Reality-The Perfect Illusion

15 Isolate the Victim

16 Prove Yourself

17 Effect a Regression

18 Stir Up the Transgressive and Taboo

19 Use Spiritual Lures

20 Mix Pleasure with Pain

21 Give Them Space to Fall-The Pursuer Is Pursued

22 Use Physical Lures

23 Master the Art of the Bold Move

24 Beware of the Aftereffects

After several days of not sending any message to him, based on technique number 3, sending mixed signals; I wanted him to think that I’m not really that interested anymore. To my surprise, he sent a message to me saying that he suddenly thought of me and he hopes that I was ok. I said “ you just miss me. Haha! I’m ok, hope you are fine as well”. Then he said he wanted to see me soon. I said “I’ll tell you when I’m free. J”

It’s funny how people need attention. Usually I tell my friends who are having issues with the people they like to just don’t bother. I was trying to make them look unavailable, and the more they act that way, the more the other person does the chase. Maybe humans have this need to chase or to be wanted. If they see that an individual does everything to catch his attention, the more he moves back and allows attention to boost his ego, but when it stops, he’s gonna do things to get that attention back, which is the same thing that happened to the Charmer.

Inspired

2008-01-31T00:07:00.000+08:00

It’s been almost a week since my last post, and all I have been doing is workout and study HTML and CSS. Yeah, I had all the time in the world so I decided to do something worthwhile. As my friends know, I really love designing web pages and taking pictures as well, it has been something that takes a lot of my time but doesn’t make me feel tired at all. So given the time, I decided to learn everything I need to know and make it something I’d be doing for the succeeding months or even years.

I have to admit, there are some people who inspired me to do this. Some people, I haven’t even met but really helped me realize what I want through their works of art. First is Ash Castro. I saw his site months ago and was really impressed by his work. Second is Niccolo Cosme, who is also a master in the field. How I found him, is actually remarkable. I saw Wanggo’s headshot in Multiply and thought it was one of the best headshots I’ve seen. Then I saw Ash Castro’s headshot, which kinda looked the same as Wanggo’s in terms of the size, color, background and lighting, and I found out that Niccolo was the photographer. I checked out his site and saw several headshots of his friends. I immediately called him asking how I could get my own headshot; unfortunately, he won’t be doing any until the middle of the year. Though disappointed, because I badly want one, I just asked him if I could add him as a contact in multiply. It’s a good thing he said it was ok because I was thinking he doesn’t have a clue who I was, and it was awkward for me to ask that question. Anyway, he’s already my contact, as well as Ash, two people who inspired me to do what I’ll be doing soon.

About the Game

Step number 1: Choose the Right Victim

As I have said in my previous post, I'll be talking about the game with the Charmer through the Art of Seduction book, and follow the steps in it. The first step states that I should be choosing the right person to seduce. I don’t think that ‘victim’ is the right term, but I just followed what it states in the book. According to Robert Greene, there are several types of victims. But before that, you should identify what type of seducer you might be. The book describes several types of seducers, and I have identified myself as a Rake, I’ll be describing the types in my next posts. Going back to the rule, as I understand it, I should make sure that I know my victim well, so I asked my people who knows him and also tried to go out with him to know him more, but to my disappointment, the only information I got was that he is a Buddhist, he smokes a lot, and I also got his schedule at work. Honestly, this makes me feel like a stalker of some sort, and the idea that I’m publishing this bothers me, but on the other hand, I’m enjoying the fact that I’m doing something out of the ordinary, so until I get any negative feedback from people about this post, I’m gonna continue what I started.

I’m still waiting for the time when I can spend more time with him and get more information about him. I have only seen him 3 times the past week, and we don’t usually send each other messages, so for the succeeding blogs, I would probably talk about the types of seducers and victims before I go to step number 2, which is to Create a False Sense of Security-Approach Indirectly.

The Game

2008-01-25T02:41:00.000+08:00

After waking up, I immediately checked my phone if there were any message from the Charmer, but unfortunately, I didn’t even get any message from anyone. I stood up and went downstairs to eat and helped my cousin sort some stuff for her job. While segregating the stones (which my cousin is using to make jewelry), I felt the urge to send him a message and ask what how he was doing. He said he was in a mall with a friend. He also told me that he didn’t have work tonight so I asked him when we could go out. After a couple of minutes, there’s still no reply, so I sent another message telling him I was just trying my luck. Then he said sorry for not replying, and that we’ll go out sometime. I didn’t send a response anymore.

The messages that were sent totally confused me. I thought he liked me too, but a question lingers in my mind now… why didn’t he reply when I asked him when we’re going to go out. Maybe it’s just me or maybe, just maybe, he couldn’t or something bothered him when I asked him that question. I don’t want to overanalyze things but I just can’t help it. A friend told me to just play the game, the game of seduction, so I’m going read The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene and just take my friend’s advice. The next blogs you’ll be reading would be about how I’ll be playing the game.

Let the game begin!

The Charmer

2008-01-24T04:13:00.000+08:00

It started Wednesday last week, we went to one of the bars in Timog because it was my cousin's birthday and I wanted her to have fun. It was a slow night but everything changed when this guy went to the stage. At first, I thought he was cute, but didn't really think of anything out of the ordinary. My friend couldn't stop talking about how cute he was, but I just didn't mind him. At the back of my mind though, I thought he was the cutest in the room, and all the time I was just staring at him. The moment he sang, I actually felt weird. The spotlight was on him, all I can see is his face, the way he smiled, the way his face changed whenever he was trying to hit a high note. I don't think I felt that way before. It was like my emotions were swirling inside me. His voice was like a spell pulling my insides toward him. At that time, I told myself “this is bad, I think I seriously like him...” I still remember the song he was singing then, it was “I'll be there” by Mariah Carey and some guy. He was singing the male part. Until now, as pathetic as it may seem, his voice is still in my mind, especially the part where he was belting out. I couldn't understand what happened to me but I was struck by this guy. I told myself I'm gonna go back next week to see him perform again. I thought he was my Charmer. It wasn't easy to get him off my mind. Actually I even told my friends about that guy, and were just laughing and telling me it was just infatuation.

Hours ago, I was with my cousin again and we're on our way home from Bonifacio High Street, when her friend (who knows a lot of people in the bar) sent a message to my cousin saying that the guy, who I will call the Charmer from now on, likes me and was asking for my number. All of a sudden, I was anxious of what happened. Was my cousin's friend able to give my number? How did he say it? Was it really me he was referring to? Is this really happening? A lot of questions popped into my mind. I was so eager to find the answers to my questions. And since it's Wednesday, and he's gonna be performing in the bar, I told myself I have to be there and see him.

Inside the bar, I waited for hours for him to come out to the stage and sing, and when I first saw him, I felt my heart beat faster. Is he gonna see me? Will he look at me? The bar was almost closing and nothing was still happening so I decided to call it a night and went to the washroom before leaving. When I came back, I saw him talking to my cousin. I honestly didn't know if I would go back to the washroom and pretend that I left something or should approach him and ask him if he really did ask for my number. I mustered all the confidence inside me and approached them. My cousin introduced him to me. He shook my hand and we went outside. When we said goodbye, I thought I needed to get his number so I gave my phone to my cousin and asked her to get his number for me. We waited for a couple of minutes and went home.

We went to my cousin's friend so I could get details on what happened and what he said about me. I just found out that last Tuesday, the Charmer was asking her about me and to introduce him to me. He was even asking her to tell me to go there tonight. While she was telling me the story I couldn't help but smile. After a few minutes of thinking whether I should text him or not, I took my phone and sent a message to him introducing myself and saying that I was the one who asked for his number. Few minutes passed, which felt like hours, I got a message from him saying that he also wanted to get my number but was just shy about it. He said that he hopes that he could see me again. I said “Sure. Next time I'll invite you to have dinner or something. :)”

Sound Tracks

2008-01-23T03:28:00.000+08:00

I’ve been searching for some of the soundtracks that I like, unfortunately, I’m not familiar with the titles so I gathered all the researching abilities that I have in me and found 2 song titles. The fist one is Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen from the movie “Jerry Maguire”. The line “She's got a secret garden, where everything you want, where everything you need, will always stay a million miles away” just moved me. It reminds me of times where you’re talking to someone and it feels like everything just makes sense. Having a connection with someone you don’t really see that often but once you spend time with that person, time flies so fast. You could converse for hours about anything. It’s such a high that you feel so contented with what you are experiencing that you don’t want the day to end. I miss that.

The second one is The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice from the movie “Closer”, which is one of my favorite movies by the way. The movie just stirred me. It’s amazing how movies could depict how people live and react. And with the help of music, everything just becomes more intense.

There are times where I would just listen to my favorite music and daydream. It heightens my senses that sometimes I feel everything deeply. You might think I’m crazy or something, nut it’s one of the things that we don’t normally talk about but actually happens. Like what one of my friends said through SMS, “the difference of movies from real life is the background music.”

Nothing to do

2008-01-22T02:39:00.000+08:00

I’m an official BUM. Just submitted my resignation 2 weeks ago and now, I’m trying my best to find the most interesting thing to do. I already read books, worked out a lot, had good times with friends, watched movies, etc. And now, I’m so bored. I’m still waiting for the results of my application in other companies and trying to enjoy life, but for the past few days, I’m starting to get bored with not doing anything. It came to a point where I had to beg my friends to go out with me, but of course, I couldn’t expect them to always be free since they have jobs/studies. And now, I don’t know if I will be happy because I have all the time to myself or I will crazy not having any plans for the days to come.

I tried to update all the profiles I have in different websites but I find myself frustrated in the end because I just can’t seem to edit the layout of my Multiply Account the way I wanted it to look like. I wanted it simple with the same header as the one I have here, but after several hours of trial and error (I didn’t study HTML, just used logic to figure out how to edit websites), I gave up.

I’m planning to do oil painting tomorrow, since my brother has all the things needed and it’s been a long time since I used my creative juices on anything at all. The last time I painted was in college, where I used watercolor, though oil is a completely different medium, I know I’ll find a way to come up with I nice image. Hopefully the outcome’s good. I’ll post the painting here as soon as I finish my first masterpiece.

For now, I guess, I’ll just have to wait for tomorrow’s idle time, hoping for something interesting to happen.

For those who chose their mind over their heart

2007-11-01T17:44:00.000+08:00

For all the people around the world who is hurting because they chose their mind and not their heart, this is for you.

I just miss writing. It’s been more than a year since I last wrote here, and now that I’m at the perfect place at the perfect time, I’m going to relive the times when I sit in front of my laptop and just tell him my story believing that he would understand and share my emotions.

I’m in a very stressful state right now. I just came from an overwhelming relationship with a person I love so much. And now, due to some circumstances that make my everyday life harder, I had no choice but to end it. Even if we are still in love, we still had a problem, and that problem is us.

For a year, I had experienced what I have been wanting for the longest time, and that is something I will treasure for the rest of my life. I experienced how to not care about what others would say, how to sacrifice a lot of things for the one you love and say to yourself it is all worth it, how it feels to have the courage to do things that you never thought of doing before, how you would give up everything just to be with that person, that person that you love. It’s so hard to understand how love changes the way people think and the things people do, it’s just crazy. Right now, I still remember how love changed the way I think and react to things. I must say, love is just so powerful, that even the most intelligent person would do stupid stuff for the person he loves. But the thing is, when time comes into the picture, somehow, things change. It’s like time balances you mind and heart, giving you a different perspective on things. Some people who did crazy things for the person they love, after some time of having the relationship they wanted, falls out of love in the end. Or someone who’s madly in love before, someone who did crazy stuff, ends up having the courage to use his mind and stop doing everything for that person. Does time help balance the mind and the heart, giving you a new option to choose something else and not be a slave of your emotions?

The year I had was a bumpy ride, but it was all worth it. Until now, my heart still wishes for this relationship to continue, but my mind tells me otherwise. I did not have this power to resist him before. I used to do everything for him. It’s just that, right now, I was able to gather all the strength in me, and choose to follow my mind and not be like other people who chose love despite the trials. But don’t get me wrong, I am still in love with him, but I just can’t have a relationship with him, and it’s hurting me real bad. I know that there are a lot of people around the world who feels the way that I do, and I must say, I salute you guys for having the courage to go through this pain because of the belief that it is the right thing to do, may we all learn to heal our wounds and start a new beginning. And for those who chose to follow their heart, I wish that you’ll have the strength to surpass the pain that you’ll be going through, and I hope that one day, the risk that you are taking would lead you to something worth the tears that you’ve shed along the way.

i miss you

2006-10-15T12:29:00.000+08:00

The past 3 weeks have been the best and worst part of my life. After being single for a long time, I finally met someone who was there to truly love me. The past 3 weeks, I learned a lot about relationships, the ups and downs of loving and being loved. Although we’ve been together only for a short time, I can sincerely say that I love him so much. I always wanted to see him, hear him and feel him. I just couldn’t get enough of him. Aside from this, I felt something that I never felt before; I was willing to do almost anything just to make him happy. No, I’m not obsessed. I know the difference. It was pure love. Now, I won’t be able to see him or talk to him due to some reasons I do not want to disclose here. The point is I can’t do anything about it. All I have to do is wait…

I wrote a letter below, hoping that he would read it someday... when he gets back.

I want to tell you these things… I want you to know what I feel and remind you of what I always tell you. I felt something the first time I saw you, something that no words can explain. I thought it would just fade away, but it didn’t. When we ate breakfast that morning, you just don’t know how happy I am to spend time with you; I was wearing a mask, hiding my smile for you not to notice how much I like you. And those times that we spent together during the storm, was one of the best days of my life. Loving you was one of the best things that happened to me. I learned things that I’ve been wanting to know for the longest time, and that’s because of you. I found a part of myself through you. Lastly, I always tell you this, and I just want to say it again, I love you, I really do. And wherever this road takes us, I just want you to know that I will wait for you. My love will always be here for you… I miss you.

Thoughts of a slightly shopaholic person

2006-08-24T10:45:00.000+08:00

I shouldn’t be posting this because it’s kinda embarrassing, but who knows, maybe someone out there could relate…

Today’s a normal day for me. It’s just the 4^th working day after payday and I almost spent all of my money. This is what usually happens to me, however last payday, I was expecting that I would have enough money to last 2 weeks because I wouldn’t be paying a lot of bills. I don’t know what happened but money just flies away so fast that I don’t even remember all the things that I’ve been buying. Yes, I have a problem.

I’m about to start reading this book, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan. I finished the first one (Confessions of a Shopaholic) last week, and I’m also looking forward to reading the third book (Shopaholic ties the Knot). It’s about this girl who can’t stop buying things that she doesn’t really need. She’s always justifying the purpose of her purchases. I can’t help but relate to what she’s going through… and it’s kinda scary. But don’t get me wrong, I can still pay my debts and I’m not broke, it’s just that I can’t seem to save money. I know there are a lot of people in this world who are having the same dilemma, but I have to get out of that circle. The problem is, there are just some things that appear out of nowhere which makes me spend more than what I usually do. I pay a lot of bills: phone, electricity, water, etc. But if I analyze things, my salary would be more than enough. Like what I’ve said, there are just some things that you just couldn’t help but buy. Like for example, I went to the Robinson’s Galleria sale last weekend. I bought 5 shirts in Calvin Klein worth 300 each. I know that these are just wants and not needs, but without the sale, they’re worth around Php1000.00 to Php1500.00 each! Who wouldn’t take advantage of that? And another thing, I treated 2 of my close friends to a movie. That’s ok, right? (I believe in good karma) Last Friday, one of my agent came up to me with a bag of clothes (these are brand new clothes that are sold to famous and expensive boutiques in the metro. She sells it to me half the price coz they’re the ones manufacturing the items), everybody in the office is always excited when she comes in with a bag filled with clothes. I bought a long sleeved polo and a pair of pin striped slacks worth 700 each (sold Php1500 for the polo and Php2000 for the slacks when you buy it in the market), and the fit is perfect so it’s definitely a good buy. Sometimes, I also buy small things that don’t cost that much, but when you combine everything at the end of the day, you’ll just be shocked with how much money you’ve already spent. I admit it; I’m just not good with saving money. On the other hand, I probably know what to do; I’m just too stubborn to do it. The good thing is I still have enough money left in the bank.

But then, all things come to an end, and I’m not really addicted to shopping (just slightly addicted), so starting next payday, I’m REALLY gonna start saving.

Acceptance Speech

2006-08-23T10:27:00.000+08:00

I talked to a friend (Corrinne, the girl beside me in the pic) last night about one of my previous posts. It was about admitting that I’m still not over this guy I used to date. She was asking me to write about how I was able to deal with it for the past month. Honestly, I do not have the exact answer. Maybe because I was focused more on other things and not dwelling on it. Yes, sometimes he still comes into my mind, but maybe, just maybe, I learned how to accept the fact that he’s not coming back. Maybe I just learned to divert my attention on more important things. Like what I read on one of my friend’s blogs… the trick is to keep breathing. Life is not always like the fairytales where someone in distress would be saved by a knight in shining armor, or like a prince would slay a dragon just to help his princess. Life is definitely meaner. It would’ve been better if it was just as simple as that. People deal with a lot of things aside from finding the right person for you. There are bills to pay, deadlines to meet, and sometimes, you’d be too busy trying to squeeze in a break in your hectic schedule.

On the other hand, if I’m gonna focus on the negative side, I would be asking the things most people ask, but will never really be contented with the answer because you alone knows how it feels to be in that situation. People might come up with books on how to move on and deal with heartaches, your friends might give you the best advice but then, if you come to think of it, they don’t really know how you are feeling, do they? You’re the one who was there, you’re the one who was happy with him at one point, and you are the one who went through it all. Maybe some of them went through similar ordeals but each person has different views on things, people have different reactions to every situation. They’re just there to help, but you’re the one who’s going to deal with it. (I hope I’m making sense here…hehe)

Anyway, if you ask me, yes, I still think about the happy moments when we’re together, I still think of him and is wondering how he’s doing now. I still wish that time would turn back so that I could at least do something to change what happened to us. I still imagine how it would have been if things worked. I still hope that one day, he’d realize that he wants me and he’d come back. And yes, I still want him, but do I need him? Right now, I’m ok with the idea that we’re friends, and that we didn’t end on a bad note, but yes I still wish that we had something more than that.

Sometimes, life is just like that. You just have to tell yourself that you’re ok now, you’ve accepted what happened and actually feel that way, but when you think of it, you wish you had it your way. Like what you’ve said Corrine, it feels like the story’s not yet finished because there’s still a chance that things might change. But then what if it doesn’t? Like in some blockbuster movies, people might be lead to think that there’s a sequel, but what if the story just ends that way. Some might wait, but eventually forget about it. And when they talk about that movie with friends or just simply remember it, they would hope that there’s a part 2, unfortunately, it’s been years and there isn’t.

It's all about work

2006-08-22T08:10:00.000+08:00

my messy desk

Just got back home from work and this is unusual because it’s still early. Usually I go home at 9 – 10am but right now, it’s only 7:30 and I’m ready to sleep. Probably because everyone else at work went home early or maybe because I just didn’t feel the need to stay at work (although I was actually hoping that I would find someone to hangout with a while ago), I was done with the daily reports even before the shift was finished simply because majority of my agents were not dialing. After the shift, I just asked my team to go to the briefing room for a meeting. I think it’s time for us to get serious. After handling the top team for several months, the agents in the whole campaign were reshuffled, as a result, I have new agents; agents who came from different teams. At first, I didn’t really like what happened because I love my former team. We’ve been together since my first day in the campaign, and that was last year. But things happen, and all you can do is to deal with the changes, whether you like it or not. So there, after the reshuffling of agents, my team became the worst team (sales and quality wise), not counting the other issues that I have with them, like sleeping on the floor, tardiness, absenteeism, etc. So during the meeting, I formally introduced them to a new set of policies that I will be implementing in my team, and the response was pretty good. Hopefully, we’ll slowly fix the problems and become the top team. For the mean time, I’m gonna be optimistic. I know that I can do this. I’ve done this before, there’s no problem doing it again.

How My Day was Spent

2006-08-14T07:27:00.000+08:00

I met this guy before, and we used to date. Unfortunately, what we had just slowly faded after a couple of days. I dunno what exactly happened but we just stopped talking and sending messages to each other. The good thing is, after a couple of months, he sent me a message with his new number asking me if we could meet. This happened weeks ago when I was so stressed to go out and meet other people (aside from my best friends). I declined the offer the first time, but last Saturday, I finally decided to meet him after work.

We met at Starbucks. I was with my officemates, when he got there, I introduced him to them and then we went straight to McDonalds to eat breakfast. We were able to catch up on a lot of things. It’s always fun to talk to him. He has this way of making the topic interesting even if it’s something not even old people would talk about. There were no boring moments with him… he’s really fun to be with. I remember how he reacts every time I tell him to stop acting like a kid… he’d look at me wearing this what-the-fuck-did-you-just-say? look. I would just smile at him and tell him I’m kidding. He hates being called a kid. And I know that he isn’t. Sometimes he evens acts more mature than me.

Another thing that I like about him is his confidence. When I introduced him to my friends, he didn’t show a single hint of introversion. When he got to our table, he immediately asked the group what we were doing, which is something I cannot do. Usually, when introduced to a group of people, I just sit and keep quiet until I get comfortable to talk. Similar thing happened when I introduced him to my mom (FYI: this was not intentional). What happened was we were hanging out near my place when he asked if he could use the washroom. I didn’t know that my mom was up then, so after insisting that we have breakfast at our place first, the next thing I remember was, they were talking to each other for hours.

After spending a couple of hours with him, I went straight home. It was 12nn when I got to bed. I promised myself that I’ll be going out at night. After 8 hours of sleep (finally…) Meg, Jason and Mitcheiko (colleagues) called asking what my plan was that night. I told him I’m not sure yet. Then after a couple of minutes of trying to come up with a decision, we agreed to just go to Jason’s place and drink there (since Corrinne, an x-colleague, together with her husband, Paolo and friend, JR are goin to buy drinks and food for us). We got there at around 12mn. After a couple of drinks, I remembered that this guy (the guy I met that morning) is in a party near the place, so we decided to pick him up after his party. When we got back, he started to drink shots (he already looked wasted when we picked him up), and started this conversation with one of my agents about politics and the economy. Everybody was tipsy; some were hammered already when people started to join the conversation. He was definitely making a point, and everybody was listening to him. Some even asked him questions. I was amazed by how good he is. Even my friends were impressed by the way talks and the things he believed in.

After hours of arguing about the being optimistic, people’s beliefs, changing the government, etc., we decided to go to bed. The original plan was he and I would be sleeping in the guest room, but we just decided to stay in one room. I was thinking of what we used to have before, how this young guy caught my attention, how he told me what he likes and doesn’t like, telling me his opinions about stuff. I was staring at the ceiling, thinking how it was for us before when he suddenly wrapped his arm around me. He asked me that night if I missed him, I said “yeah”, and then asked him the same question, he just smiled, then after a couple of seconds, he said “of course”.

Renovation

2006-08-08T11:30:00.000+08:00

I was finally able to push myself to work on my blog. After a couple of hours of Photoshop-ing, surfing and editing, I was able to achieve my idea of a “simple yet fun” site. Although, I’m not that satisfied yet because the pictures don’t seem to be that clear, I’m still happy because I was finally able to accomplish what I wanted to do weeks ago. Thanks to some cool sites (where I got ideas and pictures), I finished my masterpiece! (I even have my signature on the header… heheh!) I attached some of the pictures I used for the header here, just to let you know where it came from. (Thank you James for the pics.)

Now I have a huge favor… If it’s not too much, can you give out feedback, suggestions, or whatever you wanna say about the way this site looks like (or even the things that I write… hehe)? Hopefully, you could tell me if the old one’s better. I really appreciate it. Just click on the comment link below… Thanks.

Saturday Night

2006-08-07T08:08:00.000+08:00

After several weeks of not going to bars and dancing like crazy, last night, I was able to go back to how I was years ago. I danced like there was no tomorrow.

After work, I went straight to the mall and watched “Sukob”. It was one of the few movies that will give you the shock of your life. Everyone screamed on the top of their lungs. Just imagine, there were five of us occupying four seats. We lifted the armrests so we can sit close together. It felt like we sat on a couch. After the movie, all we can talk about was how our knees are still weak. The movie was definitely worth watching.

After the movie, I went straight to bed. It was around 3pm when I last checked and set my alarm hoping that I would wake up at 8pm to meet my friends in Greenbelt to have dinner. Luckily, I woke up at 8pm, unfortunately, my body did not stand up, all I can remember was when I checked my phone it was already 11:40pm. The first word that came out of my mouth was “SHIT!” The second time I looked at my phone, I saw 3 missed calls and 9 messages. I immediately called my friend and asked where they are. Fortunately, they were still in Greenbelt having coffee, and decided that they will go to Government afterwards. I told him to wait for me, and then rushed downstairs, took a bath, wore a white shirt and jeans and put on my dancing shoes. I was so in a hurry that I didn’t even check if I still have money in my wallet.

When I got to the coffee shop, I immediately ordered café mocha, to wake my body up. After a couple of minutes of chatting with them, we decided to go to the club. Everybody decided to go. I do not exactly know what’s with me that night, but I was so excited.

When we got to the club, I signed my name on the VIP list, and then I walked towards the entrance where here was only a black cloth covering what was going on inside, only the beat of the music could be heard.

I almost forgot how it was inside the club. It felt like people are on “E” or something. Everyone was dancing… some guys even took their shirts off, exposing their sweaty chiseled body. After a couple of minutes of letting things sink in, I went to the bar and got myself a glass of Cape Cod and went upstairs to greet my friends who are regulars of the club. After that, I found myself talking to joel bout creating a post on describing what we see, feel and hear right at that very moment. We were trying to look for the right words to use like surrendering to the music, or feeling the music flow through our veins, something like that. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t find the right words to use now, so I’m just gonna say that it was a F*CKIN great night. It feels good to dance your heart out without caring bout what the people around you would think. That’s what I did. I surrendered to the music, and hell yeah… it was fun. After hours of dancing and taking over the dancefloor, it was time to go (there were still a lot of people inside, it’s just that czar needed to go home), we went to the exit and daylight flashed before our eyes… it was 6:30am. I didn’t even notice. It was a night to remember. Too bad I didn’t get to meet anyone.

Just an Update

2006-07-24T19:08:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of things that happened to me the past month, I don’t even know where to start, but I told myself that I have to write again, so here it is.

- I have quit smoking for almost 2 months but I started smoking again because of the stress at work. I’m going to quit… again. If I was able to do it before I can easily do it the second time.

- Work has been more stressful than ever. It came to a point that I wanted to quit right at that very moment. It was also the reason why I reached the most stressful and depressing moment in my life. It’s crazy.

- My mom is starting to act really weird. She starting to be really nice when I’m around, which kinda scares me. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just not used to it. She’s telling me that she just misses me since we don’t have time to talk anymore because of my work.

- I already have internet at my station at work. How I got it is a long story. I’m just happy that I have one. It’s actually one of the reasons why I still go to work.

- I’ve been so into changing the template of my blog. I’m very proud to say that even if I didn’t study a single thing about HTML, I did the template by myself. It’s easy for others maybe, but for me, its days of trial and error.

- I’m still not satisfied with the way my blog looks which made me stop writing for quite sometime thinking that I should made the site look better first. I want a simple one; I just don’t know where to start though.

- I’ve been doing the header/title of my friends’ blog. I’ve done several for my best friend Joel and I’m doing Chai’s now (check out the links on the right side). I just love doing headers. It brings out my creative side. I’ve actually downloaded a lot of Photoshop brushes, and I find them really cool.

- I just found out that other people, aside from my friends, read my blog. It made me feel shy because I’m not that good in writing, but I’m happy that there are people, who I do not really know, finds my posts interesting. I honestly did not expect it. (Thanks for reading guys...)

- I’ve been doing zips for a couple of weeks now, and I am proud to say that I could do fire already, I just don’t want to coz I wanted my fist burn (that’s how they call it) to be perfect. So I’ll need more practice.

- I’ve had a major bonding with my team at work. I just love the guys.

That’s it for now. I have to prepare for work. It’s been raining hard and I don’t want to be late.

The Past, the Present and the Future

2006-06-13T17:53:00.000+08:00

I woke up too early today. I slept for only 3 hours, and considering the fact that I’m still taking medication for my vertigo (which doesn’t want to leave me) and my allergic rhinitis, my sleep was just like a power nap.

It was raining hard. The thunders made me open my eyes and check my laptop if it’s still connected to the phone line. Someone told me that if there’s lightning and thunder, you should unplug your computer from the phone socket just in case lighting strikes the line, your computer won’t get destroyed or something. I find it weird but, what the heck! I wouldn’t lose anything anyway if I do it. So I did what I was told. After that, I looked around the room and felt OC. I started cleaning and arranging my stuff. I found some stuff that came from my condo unit (I used to live alone in a condo near where I live now.) I found bills, cards, receipts, and all those paper. I started organizing all the important documents that I have. Browsing through them made me find out how much I’ve changed in the span of 1 year and a half. I used to run away from paying bills before, which is the reason why I still have a balance with my credit card, phone and gym. I also found letters from friends, notebooks which included the prices of the jewelry that I was making, how much I charge my client, pay slips from my previous work, pictures, etc. I was different before. I didn’t have plans; I always get into the same trouble, same sentiments, and same problems over and over again. My life’s a mess. The whole time I felt like I was bringing out skeletons in my closet. Maybe because we just came from a tragedy that time (our house was razed by fire, and everything that we have was lost. The only thing that we had left were the clothes that we’re wearing that time), but enough with that. We were all able to move on now. And I always believed that everything happens for a reason. No regrets. (I just miss my clothes and shoes!) Anyway, going back, yes, I had a tough past. (I haven’t written everything yet. It would be a very, very long story if I did. You can just ask my friends.) Even if it took me a hundred of falls before I learned, everything was worth it. I know that every trial made me stronger, those things made me who I am right now.

After finishing the chores, I told myself…

“You’ve come a long way. Don’t let things go back to the way it used to be.”

Currently, I have a stable job, not financially ok but coping (I can still pay my bills, thank God!), I can still buy most of the small things that I want, and also have my family and friends who support me, I should be ok. Although I’m working on my health now (I’m kinda sick now and I’m regularly going to the doctor for checkups), everything will fall into place… soon. All I have to remember is that today, I had a glance of what my past was… I don’t want to go back. I want a better life.

Wanting

2006-06-06T07:42:00.000+08:00

After a night in a club, one whole day of traveling with one of my best friends, Joel, I found myself sitting in a bar with him, his boyfriend, Third, and another close friend Ron. One and a half bottles of beer and I could already feel the alcohol flowing through my veins … making me feel tipsy. It’s been a long time since I had a drinking session with friends. I miss it. We are talking about people we’ve dated that time. We were exchanging ideas on relationships and how one’s friends affect his choice of person to date. It should not really matter, but in some instances, it does, especially if there’s a strong urge to impress the people around you. Who wouldn’t want a perfect guy?

After a couple of minutes, the focus was on me. We were talking about this guy that I dated before and why I always talk about him. We dated for a month. Unfortunately we had to part ways. No regrets though. We are still in good terms, even chat once in a while in yahoo. At that time, I was thinking of the feeling of almost having the perfect guy. You find excitement and happiness with that person, and when it’s already gone, you start search for the same feeling again. The problem is that you start to compare. You meet a new guy. You find out that he’s completely the opposite. You look for another, and after finding one, again, you find differences. It would have been fine if it didn’t matter. You make yourself believe that it doesn’t matter, but at the end of the day, you realize that it does. If I’d be talking to someone who’s in this situation, I’d tell him: “It’s easy. Accept the fact that no one’s gonna be exactly like him, try to find the good things with the new guy and embrace his flaws.” I used to tell myself this. I was ok for a while. Single, had a couple of dates, but still single. It didn’t bother me until last night. Last night I faced the fact that it’s still him that I want.

Break Stuff

2006-05-25T10:58:00.000+08:00

I just woke up an hour ago, ate breakfast, had coffee, and talked to my mom for a while about this coffee she’s selling. It’s an herbal coffee. She wanted me to help her sell it, and I will. Anyway, I work in an office where almost everyone drinks coffee, so might as well take advantage of it.

Yesterday, I went to PUP for the enrollment and as usual, Jason and I was not able to finish the process since there were a lot of students trying to get their stuff done and there’s only one girl trying to accommodate everyone. So after a couple of trips to the photocopying machine, we left our stuff with the girl and asked her if we could just come back tomorrow. She said yes, with a huge smile on her face. I guess it made her feel better since it’s almost lunch time. After that, we went straight to SM Sta. Mesa to watch X-Men 3. I don’t usually go there because it’s not accessible from where I live and/or I haven’t heard of any good stuff to look at in that mall. Since it’s the nearest movie house from where we were at that time, we decided to watch the movie there. We arrived at around 11:30am, bought tickets for the 12:40pm showing and ate lunch while waiting for the movie to start. While eating my lunch, I just realized that I’ve been awake for almost 20 hours already. I was thinking, after the movie, how in the world will I get enough rest for me to have the energy to go to work at 7:30pm? While walking, I was already trying to figure out an excuse of not going to work, or at least work half day. After a couple of minutes, I told myself I’m gonna deal with it later.

We’re done with lunch and also done smoking a cig at the Bingo area, so we walked our way to the movie house. It was enormous! Biggest I’ve seen so far. I think it can accommodate a thousand people. We bought the premiere seats thinking that we would get a better view, but when we got in, we sat on the front row thinking that it wouldn’t be that far but realized that it was still too distant. It felt like we were just watching the movie in front of huge television. So we went downstairs, and took the deluxe seats.

The movie was so nice! I love it! It made want to be a mutant; it would’ve been cool… The way you’ll use your powers and how people would admire you for the way you look… If I was a mutant, I’d definitely want to look weird. That’s why I love Halloween. It’s the only time you could wear anything you want and not look silly. It brings out the child in me. Anyway, enough with daydreaming, going back, I like the way the movie was made. The special effects were just awesome. The fight scenes were great and Iceman was so cute. :)

After the movie, we drove home talking about what the next marvel movie would be. We were saying something about how they should combine all the Marvel characters into one super-movie. Something like “MARVEL: The Movie”. I’d love to see the characters that I used to like when I was young; Banshee, Gambit, Silver Surfer, etc. with a superior director, good budget and fine actors and actresses, I bet it’s gonna be excellent.

Anyway, when I got home, I felt so tired. I’ve been up for almost 23 hours already, and I realized that if I go to work, I won’t be productive and I’ll just be abusing my body. On the other hand, if I don’t, what’s gonna happen to my campaign? So I decided to go to work at around 12mn, lunch time. I sent my boss a message that I was not feeling well, and that I’ll just try to go to work in the middle of the shift. I woke up at 11pm, just looked at my phone and saw that there were 4 missed calls and 5 new messages. One massage came from my boss, which kinda struck me:

“Gerds… I know you, you’re just feeling burnt out I’m sure… Do you know how important you are to the whole campaign… specially now? Gerds, this not the right time for your whatever, please?! Just think of what’s gonna happen to the whole campaign if you’re not there. I’ll see you later. Stay positive, no matter what happens. Take Care… Luvyah! –shuts”

I love my boss, not in a romantic way, but as a friend and as a good boss. She understands me. Unfortunately, I just feel like I’ve been working too hard. I need a break. When I come back, I’ll do better. I never failed her anyways. I don’t wanna sound boastful, but all the campaigns that are not earning were given to me. I picked them up from the dirt. When I work, I really work. I take things seriously. There’s a time for fun. When there’s improvement, we can have some fun, but I have to remind my people that we’re not yet there, so hold your horses; But when we reach the top, that’s the time to have fun. I work hard, but I party harder.

But then, there are some things at work that I find unfair. Instead of getting recognition for the good thing that you’ve done, you are asked to push for more. I mean, give me a break! It’s like I performed magic to revive a dying campaign and you want me to make it fly, now that it’s flying, you want me to make everything perfect, no time to relax. No time to enjoy your accomplishments. You’re given 7 monitoring sessions to finish everyday (the QAs only accomplish 4 everyday. That’s the average. And they don’t have to worry about any stats or agents, only the quality side, and the supervisors are required to accomplish at least 7 in a day, at the same time manage you 16 agents in one team and also the 20 agents in 1 campaign.), and you should continue to perk your people, update the stats, coach your people on a consistent manner, no cell phones on the floor, no eating, no slouching, sit up straight, NO ONE’S ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN ON THE FLOOR!!! Aaarrgh!!! Did you see any recognition there? NONE! And yes I am complaining. Why not quit? Don’t worry, I’m almost there.

So going back, I decided to bring out the devil in me and went back to sleep. I woke up after 14 hours of deep sleep. I guess it’s enough for now.

Something new

2006-05-24T15:25:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, I went to a team building with my agents in Century Imperial Hotel in Q.C. It’s something different from the other teams’ location for their trips. It’s usually a resort outside the city where they could drink and swim. I just thought that instead of traveling far, why not rent a cozy place in the city. We could also drink and swim there, and if we like, we could go out at night and check out the clubs near the area. It was pretty convenient, especially for me, since I live only a couple of blocks away from the building. If the team needs something for the house, I could just go home and get it. We had a great time.

I just realized that it has been quite a long time since I wrote here. A lot of stuff happened already. First thing that I’ll be talking about would be my fetish for Aussies. I’ve been chatting with a lot of cute Australians, and hoping that I could visit their country soon. I heard a lot about gay Aussies who like Asians, especially Filipinos, and it kinda made me wish that someday, I’d meet one. I like their accent and their features.

Two Sundays ago, I was chatting with this gorgeous Aussie. He had a handsome face and a perfect body. I was actually drooling over his pics. He told me that he’s a model there and sometimes visits the Philippines. He told me the places that he already visited here, which kinda convinced me that he’s not a fake. We had several sessions of chatting after that. I just hope that we could meet one of these days.

Last Sunday, I met up with my best friends. We were able to chat and catch up on things. I miss those times when we would usually meet up every weekend, have coffee, and go to a club at night and party. It was more of a routine that we had before. It felt like a sin if I won’t go out with them on weekends, but now, I can say that we’ve changed. We are more mature now. We don’t need to meet up every weekend, or talk on the phone everyday to assure ourselves that we have a strong bond. I know that our friendship will stand the test of time. We’ve been friends for 15 years now. It’s feels nice to know that the communication is still there, and nothing changes.

And now, I’m in a university in Manila, waiting for the enrollment to start. I took the exam for Bachelor of Science, Major in Broadcast Communication in the Open University, and I passed it. I just thought that I might need a degree. I am excited since I’ll be attending classes again and have classmates. My only wish is that my body would not fail me. Right now I’m so stressed at work already with all the pressure from my boss and all the monitoring forms that I have to accomplish everyday, even if it is not that effective. I have a lot of complaints at work, I try to voice it out, but I just feel like they don’t listen to my solution.

The rainy season's back

2006-05-14T10:42:00.000+08:00

It has been a week of stress at work. After a week of relaxation, I should have known that I’ll be subject to pressure and challenges again. I gathered all the strength inside me and did my best to perform well at work. My plan was running smoothly when two guys at work made a perfect storm and ruined my week. The story’s too complicated for me to write it here but the point is what happened brought out the devil in me. Words have been said and it made a huge impact, I tried to resolve it, but it didn’t work. I have a silent relationship with one, and the other, I treat as an acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. The girl used to be my closest friend at work, but now, it’s as if she turned into one of the computers. I approach it when I have to, but I can leave it alone and just use the other stations at work. It thinks that I’m ok now, but after hearing what it has to say, I realized that its mind can store a lot of information but cannot really think the way humans do. It’s selfish. It won’t think of the emotion of humans, it would only consider what it thinks is right. I don’t have to explain things to it because it would not understand, what it thinks will always be the only thing that’s right. Humans have proven the flaws of the computer, but for the computer, it only does the things programmed to do, the only things that are right. It’s intelligent, but it’s still only a machine. It’s just a SIMPLE, BORING MACHINE.

The other one’s just stupid. I don’t have to say anything. Just plain STUPID.

The Island

2006-05-06T08:57:00.000+08:00

I’m back to my normal routine. I’m in the office right now. Just finished my 1^st day at work after the long vacation. It’s been a long day. None of my agents are dialing, so we all stayed at the auditorium doing nothing… well, I conducted training for the upcoming campaign, but it only took around 1 and half hour, so the rest of the day was used for doing nothing. Somehow, I still have the hangover of my Boracay vacation. I remember the sand, the water, the sun, everything. All of that stuff sunk in me so bad that I wanted to go back and stay there for months, or even years. But then, I would have to save lots of money first before I could do that. The experience was never really enough, but I would settle for that for now. All I have to do is look at the pictures, listen to the music and remember.

We had a scary flight on our way to the island. The door was not properly shut so it made this deafening noise that scared the hell out of all the passengers. The good thing was nothing bad happened.

The first step on the soft white sand was unforgettable. It almost felt like the first time. I was welcomed by the island with open arms. I felt the wind blow softly on my skin, the waves sung in chorus and the sun was shining on me as if saying that it missed me. It was an unexplainable feeling. We walked towards the place where we are about to stay, and after sometime, realized that it was too far, my shirt was soaked wet with perspiration, so I took my shirt off. You could never do that in the city, especially with the ordinance that men cannot walk on the street without at least a shirt, you learn to endure the heat and the feeling that you want to take a shower right then and there. But in Boracay, It’s different. People are walking wearing only a pair of Speedos, bikinis or board shorts, which makes those people with good body an attraction.

We took a trike to D’Mall, where we met up with my best friend’s boyfriend. After that, we went straight to our place and relaxed for a while. After that moment, I knew that I could enjoy my stay in the island again. I changed clothes, put tanning lotion, went to the beach and praised the sun. It was perfect. The water was not that cold not hot. I remember writing about this; it was my comfort zone.

There were lots of people that time. It kinda made irritated and excited at the same time; irritated of the people who are too noisy that you can’t sleep while enjoying your sun bathing, excited because there are too many gorgeous people walking in front of you. It was scenic. Makes you think that you are really in a paradise.

Aside from all those stuff, the food was also luscious. We spent most of our budget eating in good restaurants. I remember us thinking of where we are going to eat dinner while we’re eating lunch. All the Pork Belly and Hawaiian Rice in Hawaiian Barbecue, the Pa-a and Bangus in Chicken Inasal, the Pasta and the Pork Chop in Fridays, the eat all you can in Mongolian Grill, the breakfast in True home, the Binagoongan and Paksiw in McSandro’s, everything was perfect. I think I gained weight after the vacation. My colleagues actually noticed.

At night, the beach was filled with the beat from the bars. After a couple of Rhum-Cokes, I tend to let go and just dance like there’s no tomorrow, or I enjoy the sound of the waves while walking along the shore on our way home. We never really met any cute guys, which sucks, but at least we had a great time enjoying everything else.

The whole stay was not enough, I guess the reason why most people decide to live there is because there’s never enough time there, but I have to stop. I wanted to write every detail of my days in the island, but I just decided to keep some to myself. A friend even told me that the Beach will always be there waiting for me, but for now I have to go back to this Urban Jungle. The next time I read this entry, I know that I would still remember. The stolen moments in my pictures and the music will always be there to help me remember.

Unwinding

2006-04-28T17:10:00.000+08:00

Exactly 3pm when I started writing this. I’m lying down on a hammock beside my friend. And guess where we are… by the beach in Agno, Pangasinan. We’re not actually on the shore, but under a shed on a cliff. I’m facing Vietnam now. I can see the vast body of water, the waves created by the wind, and at the same time, feeling it blow through my skin while listening to music. It’s a perfect retreat. Everything is calm. There are no noisy kids, no other people except for us. It’s actually a private beach. And I’m not talking of a couple of meters long, but probably 30 kilometers of white, sun kissed sand. There’s a house in the middle, in front is a cliff where the shed (we call it tower because it has two levels) is built. Anyway, I told myself that this is my time to relax and forget about all the stress that I have been having for the past weeks. I deserve this.

We went swimming a while ago. I took pictures of the scenery. It was breathtaking. On the shore, it wasn’t actually pure sand. There were small pools of water formed by volcanic rocks. They were like Jacuzzis because the water was warm. Under the water were plants and a lot of black starfishes which were hiding inside the small holes. In the afternoon, we stayed on the formation were the waves meet the edge of the rocks. There was even this hole that shoots water when the big waves reach the edge. It was an exhilarating feeling. I was feeling a little nervous though because one big wave might pull me to the deep water ahead of us, and it’s kinda slippery because of the algae under my slippers. If that happens, I won’t really die of drowning because I know to swim, and I love swimming, but then, the strong waves could slam me to the sides of the rocks.

We continued walking further to the area where there’s place to really swim and not worry about any rock formation under us. The sun was scorching our backs, but it didn’t matter. When we reach the sandy area, we dropped our things on the sand and went to the water and started dipping our whole body under the warm water. The sand was not that fine compared to the ones in Boracay, but the color was nice. My friends started picking up shells for their aquariums at home while I just let my body float.

Eyes closed, moving my arms and legs slowly, I started to feel like nothing else matter. I forgot about all the stuff I have to do at work, my problems at home and my frustrations in life. Everything was so perfect at that moment. It took me a couple of minutes before I realize that the sun was burning my face already, so when I realized that I have to go back, I stood up, went to where my friends are lounging around, sat beside them and lit a cigarette. After one stick we started walking back to the cottage where we will be eating dinner.

It’s almost midnight. I stopped writing a while ago because we had to eat dinner. Yeah it took me a while to write a couple of paragraphs. I just couldn’t continue writing. The view was distracting me. Now I’m on the second floor of the tower. The full moon is shining above me. I could hear the loud splash of water below. The tide is high and the wind is blowing strong making the splash of water sound like thunder. I’m gonna rest for now tomorrow we’ll be goin back to the city. It’s a nice rest for me. I just wish I could stay longer.

The next day, we decided to go straight to Baguio instead, so we drove up to the cold city. The temperature was pretty low. We were wearing summer outfits when we went there, but then we realized we need jackets. It was so cold. We went shopping in ukayukays, then slept at my friends resthouse there. The next day, we went to Minesview park just to see the view. I didn't have enough money to buy stuff so I just took pictures.

Back to reality for now. I'm goin back to work.

Pictures were taken by me during the trip.

Weekend at Last

2006-04-10T19:08:00.000+08:00

This is a late entry. My original plan was to write before the weekend starts. I just felt lazy that time, and I also went out with Jason and Malou after the shift. We were in Glorietta til 6pm. Well I was left with Joel because Malou went home early.

We watched Basic Instinct 2. I was so inspired by how Sharon Stone manipulated her victim. It was her power of seduction, play of words and stunning beauty that made it possible for her to pull her tricks and destroy several people’s lives. Call me evil, but admired her for that. Only a few people would be able to do that.

After that, we saw a ramp in the middle of Glorietta and found out that it was Fashion Week. There’ll be a fashion show at 6:00pm. It made me remember the days when I would spend several thousands of pesos just for me to look fashionable at work. There was a time in my previous work that I never wore the same outfit twice for 3 months. I had a lot of shoes, jeans, shirts, jackets, etc. Name it, I have it. Those were the days when I was always seen as the most fashionable employee. I miss those days. Thinking about it makes me want to buy clothes again. But then reality bites. I wasn’t able to get commission for March and I have to save money for my Boracay trip. It sucks when I think about it, but at least I’ll be spending 1 whole week in Boracay. I can’t wait.

Sunday. I spent the afternoon in Greenhills with some friends. Again, I saw stuff that I liked, but didn’t really buy because of some financial issues. But it was ok. Well, I kinda spent much on this game in Timezone which was introduced to me by this guy I dated before. It was a game where there’s a bar moving from left to right, and you have to press a button to stop it from moving. The objective of the game is to stack up the bars to reach the top. The bars move faster and become shorter as the pile goes up. If you reach the top, you win a mobile phone or MP3 player. You can actually choose from 4 major prizes. I just can’t remember the four. It was easy at first. I actually reached the last block several times, but then I never stopped it at the right spot. It was really addictive because my friend even gave me money so that he could watch me play again and again. Too bad we didn’t win.

After that, I met up with my best friends in Seattle’s Best. We were finally able to meet, after several weeks of busy schedules. We were just chillin there, talking about Boracay, high school, stuff that didn’t really mean anything. We were teasing each other, making fun of the people around us, looking at each others’ phones, talking about the people that we usually see in the places where we used to go. That’s was our normal routine when we meet. We’ve known each other since grade school, and that’s something I’m proud of. We still see each other and talk over the phone as often as possible. We’ve seen each other grow and turn into who we are right now. We made each other stronger. We been together through ups and downs and I know that this won’t change.

I’m back in my room now. It’s actually 2:13pm. I’ll be going to work early to print out some certificates and do some reports. The weekend’s over, and I’m back to my normal, busy, stressful life.

Move on

2006-04-07T11:38:00.000+08:00

I wasn’t able to write yesterday because I was so tired. I was planning to write though. After the shift, I went to Gateway with a friend and paid my phone bill. After that, we ate at Pancake house, and went home. It was a weird shift for me, because for some unknown reason, I kinda felt better. No extreme dizziness. I was even back to my normal routine of perking people. But then I heard some news. I didn’t actually believe it at first, No one believes the news, but then after analyzing it, I found out that this could be true.

My boss is going to resign from work. According to her, she’s gonna submit her resignation letter later. No one actually took her seriously. Maybe because she’s the type of person who would pull tricks on people for fun. She even made us believe that Manny Pacquiao was going to the office one time. She’s fun to work with though. When she’s around, work feels lighter (if she’s not in a bad mood). She would walk around the floor and crack jokes at people. When you see her the first time, you wouldn’t think that she’s a shift manager, but then when you start to know her, you’ll see that her decisions, the way she handles the campaigns, the way she deals with people and her way of working is astonishing. And she’s known for that.

She’s also a close friend of mine as well. During my first few months at work, she was my co-supervisor. We used to hangout at work with some of the other supervisors. When she was promoted as a shift manager, she’s took me as one of the supervisors in her campaign. Some people think she’s a bitch. Maybe because she always talks about what’s in and what’s out in the society. She’d usually talk about clothes, music, clubs, cars, etc. But then she’s just like that. She has a good sense of fashion and people skills which make others envy her. I, on the other hand, admire her way of dealing with people. Her humor makes everybody want to listen to her. It’s something that’s hard to learn; probably something that you cannot learn. It’s either you’re born with it or without it. And she’s one of those who have it. All in all, she’s a wonderful person inside out. And no one at work would want to see her go.

This happened to me before. My boss who I really like leaves work. I cried so hard yesterday when I heard the news. I still don’t know if this will push through or not. Hopefully it was just a joke. Or if she’s getting burned out, I hope that the management just gives her time to rest.

By the way, I wasn’t able to get my commission for the month of February. Someone was not able to send an email about it to the report writer. Yeah, it happened again. I’m just pushing for a check, like before. Also, I won’t be able to get commission for March. They did not approve my proposal. It hurts.

I can’t do anything about it anyway. Might as well move on…

Stress

2006-04-05T16:32:00.000+08:00

Woke up early again today for some unknown reason. Maybe it’s because it’s so hot, and yeah, we do not have an air conditioning unit right now. I guess summer’s really here.

I’ve been having a hard time getting enough rest the past few days. Every time I’m at work, I feel so tired that I want to just lie down and sleep and forget about everything that’s happening around me, but when I get home, I only sleep for a couple of hours. I guess my body clock’s fucked up already. A friend told me yesterday that what I’m feeling is caused by over fatigue. I’ve been working too hard and not getting enough rest anymore. I believed him. I’ve been working too hard and my body’s giving up already. And the worst thing is I feel like I’m not getting anything in return. I feel like just writing here everything that’s in my head right now; stuff that stress me out.

Yesterday, I just found out that the benchmark for the commission grid of my agents was increased. I don’t know why they did this. That benchmark was given to us because that’s the number that you have to hit in order for the company to earn money. My team worked hard for them to hit the benchmark, and now, when they realized that my people are doing well, they increase the benchmark for what!?! Lesser commission for the agents, more money for the company? That’s fucked up! In the first place, why do they give out benchmarks on the start of dialing if they’re going to change on the last day of the cut off? There giving false hope to people, and I know that they’re gonna get something in return. I believe in Karma.

Second. I was talking about the available leads that we have left for the campaign that I handle. I was telling my boss that we don’t have enough leads to last for the 8 days that we still have to end the campaign. I was trying to tell her that we need to do something about it before we get to the point where we don’t hit our goal, and people blame me for not doing my job properly. But then, I did not feel the sense of urgency in this matter. I think she is trying to tell me that we worry about it when it’s happening already. I’ve seen it happen before in other campaigns, and I thought I could do some thing to prevent it fro happening to me, but I was wrong. I just don’t have enough power to make decisions on my own. All I can say is that, I did my part. I’m prepared. I’m just waiting for the disaster to happen.

Third. One of the campaigns ended yesterday. All the supervisors had a meeting about the staffing. FYI: I have the most number of agents dialing in one campaign that is having problem with the leads. 2 agents were transferred to my campaign. Then, after a few minutes, I just realized that they still added 2 more agents, which gives me 4. I actually don’t have problems if these people are performing or not, I can do something about their skills, but when you add more people to a campaign that’s having trouble with the leads, that’s something else. Don’t think I didn’t complain about it, I did. Maybe they just didn’t listen.

Fourth. I was waiting for my boss to give me updates on my commission, if she talked to her boss about the stats. But then NOTHING HAPPENED. That was the only thing that I was waiting for but I was kept hanging.

Fifth. One of my co-supervisor kept bugging me about putting songs to his iPod. He did not stop bugging me. I was in the middle of a monitoring session; he interrupted me to ask me to do it for him. He was asking me to bring his iPod with me at home and add the songs there. I am honestly willing to do I for him, but then his timing and the way he asked me was fucked up. I have his Nano and Shuffle with me right now, and I’m still thinking if I’m gonna do it o not.

Six. One of my cousins sent me a message that she needed money. She didn’t even ask for money, it was more like a command o give her money. I guess I don’t need to elaborate.

I'm back

2006-04-05T06:33:00.000+08:00

I just woke up from a short sleep. I set my alarm at 5pm but I woke up at 3pm. So I only slept for 4 hours today. I just felt like writing so I turned my computer on and started typing.It’s been a while since I wrote something about myself. I’ve been so busy at work that I don’t even have the energy to go somewhere else after work. I normally work for 11 – 14 hours everyday. So you could just imagine how stressed my body is right now. Why am doing it? Maybe because it keeps me away from thinking about my personal problems, or maybe because I trying to make the best out of my career. I’ve been doing the reports of my boss for a couple of weeks now, and sometimes I just end up asking myself why the fuck am I doing this? Then I start to realize that this is a good training ground, or I just want to experience the life of someone who is almost at the top of the corporate ladder. I’m giving my best here. I’m doing my best to reach the top. I’ve been in the top 3 supervisors in the campaign for 3 months now, and I guess, it’s paying off, somehow. I get to make decisions for myself, my boss, who’s a really nice gal, listens to me when I say something about the way our campaign goes, and I get to be recognized by the people at work, I get some special treatment when it comes to some small things (which kinda make things a little fun.J), and I get to earn more money because of overtime and commission. Talking about commission, yesterday, after finishing all the monthly reports for the campaign, my world suddenly fell apart. I was hoping, well actually, expecting that I will be getting commission for the month of March. Well, I do deserve it. I’m the top supervisor for the month, I’m doing more stuff than a normal supervisor, and I’ve been damn serious with my work! But then, with a sudden twist of fate, my team quality scores did not meet the requirement for the commission. So all my plans for the month shattered into thin glass as I was staring at my monitor. I usually take everything that comes my way, but this one? Damn! I felt like all my efforts were wasted. Let’s face it everybody works for the money. And I’m not talking about a couple of hundreds; it’s 116% of my basic salary! I wanted to shout at that moment, but I realized it wouldn’t make any difference. So I went downstairs and lit a cigarette while thinking of how much I lost. I thought of all the stuff that I could do to get the commission. There’s no other way than go to my boss and talk to her about it.So after my cig, I went to my boss’ station then talked to her about it. She told me that she’s gonna talk to her boss about it. Fair enough. But then, after a couple of minutes of sitting in front of her, maybe she felt how devastated I am about what happened. Then she stopped what she was doing, and faced my ay and told me that she’s gonna fight for it. It kinda brought back some hope, but majority of what I was feeling was depression. I didn’t know what else to do. I guess I just have to wait till she talks to her boss.It’s gonna happen later. My shift starts at 8pm, and it’s already 4:25pm. Since we do have a management meeting at 7:30PM, I’m going to freshen up early. My friend will pick me up in a while.It felt great writing again. I missed doing this. It’s like telling a person everything, and all that person does is listen to you and feel for you. I’m gonna do this more often. It’s nice to be back.

Solo

2005-07-18T01:10:00.000+08:00

I'm not a huge fan of change. And right now I’m experiencing it. I'm not complaining though. Sometimes, you just have to have the courage to face the things that are coming your way. Last night, I went out... alone. I went to this club where they are celebrating single's night. It felt so weird because I didn't feel like dancing. Usually, when I enter the club and I see wasted people, different lights flashing, hear house music and feel the beat pounding my chest, I couldn't help but go to the dance floor and dance like there's no tomorrow. I call it "dancing my fears and troubles away". But last night was different. I don't know if it is because I was alone (but I always dance alone, my friends just stand at one corner and talk), or because at the back of my mind I’m thinking that I am single and I don't really want to be one.

I remember seeing this couple. They really look good together, and they were hugging and kissing while dancing. I just can't help but wish that I had a partner too. It's not that I’m desperate. I know that there are a lot of advantages of being single. Maybe it's just that I’m missing the feeling of having someone to take care of you and worry for you. Someone who would be there to listen to your problems or complaints. Someone whom you could count on no matter what happens. Someone who's not just a friend. Someone who loves you for who you are, no "but" and no "if".

All these things make me think. Do I really have to search for the right person? Or should I just wait? Which is the cliché? Because I’ve tried both and I’m still single... for five years now. I've dated a couple of guys along the way, but none of them worked out. I don't know if it's me, if it's the timing, if it's them? There are just too many factors that would determine what makes all the attempts fail.

The last guy that I dated said it was the wrong timing. But then everything was perfect at first. That’s the reason why we decided to try it out, to date each other. But the, after a couple of days, it was gone. So I guess it wasn't the timing after all. It should've been perfect if not for the things that I guess that scared the spark away.

Let's say it was the guy. Am I looking for the wrong guys? Do I have very high standards? One friend told me that I should stop dreaming. That I should face reality. But what about what I want? Should I just settle for something less? What should I look for then? If that's the case, then I wouldn't be happy with the one I’m with. I would just be pushing myself to do something that I don't want. Making yourself believe that you like someone. Then I would just be fooling myself and the other person as well.

I guess it all boils down to myself. I had been the person who felt that love plays an integral part in one's life, and I’m not being dramatic. That's just the way I feel. Maybe that's the reason why I’m coming up with these ideas, because I think about it too much. I feel that this is going to change soon. I feel the need to focus on something else. I'm not saying that it's not important; it's just that there are other things that need my attention too. Maybe it's time for me to focus on my career, or my family or something else. This change is going to be good. As I have said, I am not a big fan of change, but if it’s for the better, then I’ll accept it with open arms.
I feel that I’m growing emotionally. I'm slowly seeing a bigger picture. Life isn't always about love. Love's going to say goodbye to me for a while. I know that someday it will come back to me. Anyway, change will always be there. But then the faith will always be there. The faith that someday, I will look back and say... "This is worth the long wait."

Boss

2005-07-03T22:45:00.000+08:00

It’s always hard to say goodbye to the people who touched your life in one way or another. I’ve always been the person who feels really bad when these things happen. For the past few days, even though I don’t want to, I had to say goodbye to some people who I’ve worked with. I know that I’ve established this connection with these people, but i have no choice. I'm just following orders. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but they felt the same way when I told them the news.

For the past month, I've worked with 9 great people. I became their confidant, their boss, and their consultant. It’s not just the work that made our bond strong, but also the friendship that we’ve established since the day that I introduced myself to them. I worked with them everyday. Step by step, I was able to bring out their full potential. And from being the team with the lowest stats, I was able to make the best out of them. We became the best team for the month of June.

Unfortunately, the next month, the Center Manager transferred me and Chai (supervisor) to a different account which according to them, needs our help. In other words, we have to leave our team and we can't do anything about it. This is the same thing that happened weeks ago, when our Operations Manager was transferred to a different account. I knew how my agents felt because I was in that same position when our boss told us that he'll be leaving the campaign. I consider him the best boss i ever had. He was able to bring out the best in us, not only regarding work but also in terms of how we interact and communicate with other people. He gave us responsibilities that helped us grow. He was the one responsible for the improvement that the campaign is experiencing now. He organized everything, increased the morale of all the people working for the campaign, and he earned the respect that he deserves from all of the people working under him. He is a great person. He treated each person as his friend and never let anyone down. I know for a fact that the people he's working with now, feels the same way we did, and i know that he will continue to touch lives wherever he may go. And these are some of the things that i will never forget.

The Power of Goodbye

2005-06-12T00:50:00.000+08:00

I miss these moments. Sitting in front of the computer, listening to music, trying to think of what happened to me the past few days, weeks, months, or years even. For me, it's an unexplainable state. I feel like i'm bringing out some part of me that's been hidden for the longest time. I'm venting out emotions, and it feels damn good.

Tonight, i'm listening to Madonna's "Power of Goodbye", i just had the urge to play it while writing this blog, don't ask me why, im not sure. Maybe it's the solemn, intense beat, or maybe it's the lyrics... "learn to say goodbye", or who knows... maybe it's just Madonna.

Anyway, last week, I met this guy. I was talking to his close friend who just broke up with a long time boyfriend. He just appaered out of nowhere. He suddenly extended his hand and introduced himself. I was so wasted that night, but i still remember how he looked like, everything was so clear.We started this conversation. He was talkin about how he wanted to have a guy, and i was asking him what he wanted, i'm trying to get picture of the guy that he liked thinking that maybe, i could help him find one. After all the guessing, i kinda gave up. It seems that this guy didn't care about the physical side. Everything's fine with him long as he's nice. After that, I started teasing him, then all I remember is that his head is on my shoulder and one of my arms is around him...

To make the long story short, we have this wierd constant communication. i wanna see him again though, maybe one of these weekends...

I told myself this will be different. i'm saying goodbye to my old ways. I'm gonna enjoy every moment, i'll not think about it. I will go with the flow. No more sudden moves, no more surprises...

we'll see what will happen...

renaissance

2005-05-16T02:23:00.000+08:00

it has been a long time since the last entry. i guess i was just waiting for a significant event to inspire me to start a new entry. here i am now, in front of my own computer in the office. yes, i do have a new job, and it's far more promising than the other ones that i have gone through in the past years... that is if everything goes well. i know that life is full of suprises, but i have faith in this path that i'm taking right now.

in a couple of weeks, i'll be staying in Clark, Pampanga. i was hired as a team leader for a campaign that will be transferred there. and i have no problem with that. i think i need to get away from the city. that's what i've been doing in the past few months... i went to Boracay, Baguio, Bataan, Puerto Galera thinking that i just need a break. but everytime i go back to Manila, problems start appearing everywhere... problems with money, family, friends, love, relationships, etc. i told myself this has to stop. fortunately, one of my best friends, Chai called me up. she told me that a company needed a team leader as soon as possible. i went to the office and after 3 days, i was already on the floor. i thank the heavens for letting me have a friend like her. we've known each other for the longest time, we've been in the same company a lot of times, (if she leaves a campaign, most of the time, i would leave too and apply with her in a different company, that's how close we are.), we share the same sentiments, we enjoy the company of each other... in other words, if we're together, we're a perfect fit.

i told myself before that i can't live in a place where there's no night life, but then, i realized i have to be practical. not that i'm having a hard time digesting the fact that i'll be leaving Manila, it's just that i never thoguht that i would accept an offer like this. i know for a fact that i'll be missing government, bed, cbtl, my friends, my family, etc... but then i felt that it will be better this way. in Clark, there won't be temptations to spend money (except for the casino and duty free, but i doubt that i'll be hooked. i don't find them really interesting), and at the same time, i would be able to take care of myself. 8 hours of sleep, 8 glasses of water everyday, constant exercise (i heard they had a swimming pool and a basketball court), etc. if i go back to manila, i should look better. :)

right now, i'm under the transition phase, i'm getting myself ready for the big changes that are coming. unlike the past changes, this one will be a good one.

irony

2005-04-21T22:36:00.000+08:00

i don't know why, but i think my life's is like a complicated maze... if i don't get to the right exit, i have to go back and start all over again... and true enough, i'm back to where i started. some things happened that changed my life in an instant. i found myself back to where i was months ago. i thought i was on the right track. but apparently, i wasn't able to handle the irony. the wrong move was not to have a back up plan. now, it's too late... i have to start all over again.

my mind's messed up right now. things didn't go the way i wanted them to. i feel like i have no one to talk to, i feel so alone. after a close friend told me he needed space, i had no choice but to go back to my best friends, who i know that will always be there. i told them everything. what happened to my job, my friend, the people i used to hang out with a lot. they're somewhere behind the shadows, they're still there, but i just won't be able to see them for now. i feel so depressed.

it's a good thing i never lose hope. something tells me that again, for the nth time, i'll be able to stand up and move on.

this is enough. don't want to elaborate. i just have to stop and analyze everything before it's too late.

mistakes

2005-04-19T13:26:00.000+08:00

after the trip to Baguio, i found myself in a state where everything is a mess. suddenly, i am not comfortable with how i'm living my life. i haven't paid my rent, haven't done the laundry, don't know where i'll be stayin next month... i'm back to complaining. there is a mistake made somewhere and i told myself i won't look back. i have to face what's ahead of me and not think about the past. i learned my lesson. no regrets...

on the other hand, since i was still able to make a solution to this mess, i'm taking things one step at a time. i know myself, i'll be able to get out of this. i've been through a lot of things in my life and i won't let these stuff pull me down.

i believe that it's the dreams that we have that makes us feel strong. believing that somehow, somewhere we will be able to reach the stars and say to the world that we've made it. it's having the courage to stand up everytime you fall, it's the passion of doing what you love to do, it's the desire to get what you've always wanted. life will never, ever, be perfect. you just have to live with that. no more complains from now on. accept things the way they are, do not expect anyone to help you, work things out, and move on. you just have to be strong. fuck what everyone says... it's your life.

just don't forget

never give up...

reading between the lines...

2005-04-16T02:35:00.000+08:00

i was supposed to be on a bus to Baguio right now, but i ended up sitting in front of a computer reading the blog of a friend due to unexpected frustrating incidents. the one who invited me, my friend JP, is now sleeping in my pad waiting for the clock to strike 6am because that's the time the only available bus leaves.

anyway,

i gained a lot friends within the past month, and one of them is JP. i've been with him for almost 14 days now because of business, and we're even spending this weekend in Baguio. i consider him as one of my close friends because we've shared a lot of experiences together. i am thankful that he's there when i needed a shoulder to cry on and would always be glad to lend my shoulder to him, but then i feel that his best friend needs him more than i do now. while reading the blogs, i was touched by how a friend Wanggo misses his best friend JP. somehow i feel guilty because i was always hanging out with JP lately, but then i realize that it's just that i have the luxury of time and no one to spend it with other than him. i think that communictaion is important in any form of relationship and i know that they are not spending much time together than before, but like what i commented on Wanggo's blog, what they shared together is something that will stand the test of time. the friendship will always be there, no matter what happens. i believe that it's not the bad times with friends that people should remember, it should be the happy moments they shared together, it's not the absence but the times that they were there for each other, it's not the misunderstandings but the harmony they have everytime they're together.

i do respect their friendship and i wouldn't want to see it fall apart.

all of a sudden, i remembered my best friends, i haven't been seeing them that often now, but i know that through the years (almost 16 years) that we've known each other, absence won't be a factor that could change the way we feel for each other. we've been through thick and thin, and our bond will always be strong, strong enough to surpass any trials that will come our way. words would never be enough to explain how thankful i am that i have friends like them.

my friends are very important to me, they have been a part of who i am right now, and every lesson i learned, every tear i shed, every meaningful moment i shared with them will always be remembered.

remembering

2005-04-12T02:19:00.000+08:00

i've been missing a lot in my life lately. i started to send text messages to my old friends and call some of them. apparently, nothing much changed. everything's pretty normal.

i tried to look at the things that are left in my pad today, (after my roommates left) and i found my journal.the last entry was when i spent my lunch talking to this person. it was a flashback. the feelings came back, i was able to imagine the exact setting. i was in the training room talking to him. he had a bad night. i was trying to make him feel better. i had butterflies in my stomach. i miss those moments. but then, things are different now. i'm doing great. i just don't know why things like these suddenly appear from nowhere, i know that i'm on the right path but there's just these moments where i can't help but go back and remember.. songs played on the radio, things that reminded me of the sad experiences i had in the past, all these stuff makes me feel vulnerable. but then i told myself i will not hurt, i am strong, i can do this.

i almost forgot... a funny thing happened this afternoon, i realized i didn't have money at all. but then after a couple of hours trying to figure out where i will be able to get dough for tomorrow, a friend told me that he was able to sell some of the accessories that we made. i was so surprised that i immediately left what i was doing and went straight to his work. i waited for an hour. i was just smoking outside when i remembered myself a year ago. i was like this. living for the moment. i don't wanna go back to that state. i have to save money. so what i did was keep half of what i earned.

tomorrow will be a brand new day. i'll be making some more accessories. i'll be going to the gym, i'll be thinking of what's ahead of me. no more looking back. i've learned a lot from the past but there's no time to dwell on them. move on gerard... move on...

coping

2005-04-10T22:35:00.000+08:00

for the past few days, i've been working wih a friend for this business we're trying to put up. it's fun because i've been meeting a lot of people and aside from that i've been doing great in my design job. i've been busy, but i still have time for myself. i've been exercising, which is good... i'll be trying out different sports, which is better and i finally had the time that i wanted for myself... the wierd thing is, i never had problems with money. its not that i can buy whatever i want, but let's just say i have enough money to have fun, and pay my debts (slowly). i've decided that i should start saving money, and that's what i'm trying to do right now. i've been focusing on my craft and at the same time spend more time with friends.

i remember what i said to myself when i went to Boracay. i'll be a changed man, when i get back to Manila. after all the things that happened to me the past few days, somehow, i was able to find more reasons to do so. everything's fine so far. i know that i'm on the right track.

i'm still coping though. i know that after what happened, everything will be harder for me, but with the help of a friend, i was able to look at things differently. i'm more optimistic.

i'll be moving out of my pad soon. maybe tomorrow. the plan is i'll be living with my mom for a couple of days until i find a place to rent. i don't really want to stay there but i have no choice. i have to be practical. i just hope that i won't have any problems with them while i'm there.

it's been a long month for me. i still miss some of the moments but everything happens for a reason. maybe there's something better coming. a lot of changes happened, and i don't regret any of them.

i'm generally happy... i've had my share of sad moments but i'm moving on...

conclusion

2005-04-05T03:13:00.000+08:00

almost a month of investing emotions, almost a month of believing, almost a month of trying to be perfect for this person and now the conclusion.

i've tried everything to make this work, but i can't control destiny... it was just not meant to be.

i saw this coming... not recieveing a text from him for a couple of days; when we're together, he won't talk to me the way he used to; all the signs were telling me that it won't end the way i wanted it to. but i have to hear it from him.

it was raining that night. just finished a drinking session with friends. i told myself that i have to do this. this would be a good time to hear it from him, or at least get updates.

we entered the cab. the conversation started. then there it was. hitting me hard. "it's gone". it's over. but then i wanted to tell him everything. we talked for a few more minutes outside his building. after letting out some of the emotions, i felt that i'm about to cry. i want him. i don't wanna lose him.i made a desperate request, i wanna spend the night with him. one last time. tomorrow, i'll accept that we could only be friends but that night i wanted us to stay that way.

after entering his room, i asked him to play a sorta fairytale by Tori Amos. i was just staring at the floor. listening. then i asked for his hand, he hugged me. that was it... the lowest state. loving someone you can never have. and he was there hugging me. it felt like he was saying sorry. i can't do anything but accept. its over.

when he took a shower, i started crying really hard. all the memories came back. and each one made me cry more. why can't i have him? why am i not worth it? i could have done anything for him, but it was still not enough. it will never be enough. it would have been perfect, but it was just not meant to be.

after taking a shower, i saw him sitting on the bed. listening to music. i wanted to cherish that moment. our last night. i sat beside him and hugged him. then he started crying. he was telling me things about his past relationships, how promises were broken. he told me that he's not going to do that to me. we'll be friends.

i told myself that i'm going to remember that moment. and i still feel it. now i'm trying to mend this part of me that keeps on breaking. i'm good at this. i've done this a lot of times, and i know i can make it.

i gave it my best shot... but i just can't have him.

Finding myself

2005-03-28T12:04:00.000+08:00

I decided to take a break and try to find myself. I was telling one close friend that the first step on the sands of Boracay will be memorable. The water was clear, the sand was soft, I felt the coldness of water fill my feet. It was hard to walk carrying my bags on the shallow water of the beach, but I know it's worth it. I told myself I'll be finding myself here... In this beautiful island. And my first step was the beginning.

I stared into the sun and the beauty of it all. Only the sound of the waves, the wind and the children playing filled my ears. It was serene that time.

After finding a place, we went to the beach. I was walking under the heat of the sun. It was a bit painful to the skin because it was almost noon. I know I'm going to be used to this. Somehow it felt like that experience was preparing me for the changes that I have to go through. It will be a tough one. But I'll be able to cope with it.

After eating lunch, we went swimming. The water near the shore was warm because of the algae. One of my friends there told me that it was cleansing the sands; that was the reason why Boracay sand was white. I wished that it would also be that easy for me to be cleansed from all the things that have been doing in Manila. But then if it weren't for those things, I won't be the person I am today. I learned a lot from those experience. I didn't regret any of those.

The water was gradually getting colder as we swam away from the shore. But then then the sun was still burning my skin. It was a nice experience. Your in the middle of two extreme things. Trying to find your comfort zone. True enough, after a couple of minutes, I was enjoying every moment of it. I was there... Floating on cold water under the heat of the sun... My comfort zone.

I was sitting watching the people enjoy the beach when I realized it was almost sunset. I watched the orange sun hide under the horizon, it felt like it was saying goodbye to me... Like it will stay there under the horizon, giving way for the moon and the stars to shine, and tomorrow, I'll see it again. It was slowly getting darker. Only the moon and the lights from the bars made it possible for us to see the sand where we were walking. After a few more minutes, I heard the beat of the drums... It was the start of nightlife in Bora.

We went home to change clothes. After dinner, we ended at Paraw. They had bean bags, floor pillows and a low table. We were just sitting there, enjoying the music. After a couple of hours, we decided to go to a different state of consciousness. A place where everything was beautiful. The lights were colorful and the sound will fill your body... I was happy. My friend told me to let go. I accepted everything in my life. I was so happy I cried. It was a bit embarrassing but I can't help it. I just felt this cold air in my eyes then tears suddenly appeared. It was a part of the whole experience for me. I felt all the pain, the problems, the fears go away. I used my shirt to wipe them off. Everything around me was full of color and lights. I found the beauty of the things around me. I was dancing the whole night. Every time a drop of sweat came out from my skin, every time a tear fell, I felt better. I was letting go.

After that night, the shirt I used to wipe the sweat and tears was gone. We never found it. Probably someone thought it was his shirt, but I guess he will never know that it had some part of me that I let go that night.

I found a part of me of the first day. It was hidden under the things I think about everyday. buried under problems about love, money, family, friends. These things that gave me pain and happiness. And I learned a lot from them. But that night let go of them... What was left was me.